Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Kitchen Rules, Courtesy of Edna (thanks Edna!)

It has come to my attention there are those of you who are UNEASY about KITCHENS, who are suspicious of what 'goes on in there', of what might HAPPEN in there.
This is silly. You should NOT give into your paranoia.

On the other hand I recognized that just because you THINK the kitchen is out to get you doesn't mean that it is NOT out to get you.

Therefore, I have compiled a list of Rules, named "Rest Easy Rules" for those who feel this way about kitchens. These rules will help you navigate the hazards of a kitchen.
Who knows? You might even come to view a kitchen as a pleasant place to be -- so long as you guard your back.

REST EASY RULES
* Carry a Big Stick and Walk Soft
Walking Soft means you won't startle the appliances into attacking
Carry a Big Stick means you can (hopefully) beat off any of the appliances which do attack

* Smile/Smiling
The Smile is there to show YOU are harmless and intend no injury to the appliances huddled in the kitchen. We also approach strange dogs and children this way, so you can see the value of a Smile

* Trust/Trusting
I wouldn't, but each to his own. SOME people figure if you trust, you will be trusted. Tsk. Appliances have 'temperament' and it is well known that on 'those days' they will act like any menopausal homicidal woman will, and attack for no reason you can figure out ahead of time

* Exits
I cannot state how important it is to keep the path to the exit from the kitchen clear of obstacles. Sooner or later you will need to take that path at your highest possible speed, for whatever cause.
Causes can be the oven gas exploding, the faucet falling off the sink (and water fountaining all OVER the kitchen), the dish washer overflowing, the garbage disposal fracturing, spontaneous combustion of the skillet, and so forth. It is amazing what a kitchen can do in order to startle you into running out of there as if all the demons of Hell were after you. Kitchens enjoy doing this.

* Hot Pots
Take my word for it, if it has been on the burner (whether gas or electric) it is HOT, or if it is merely sitting there, and you don't KNOW when the burner was turned off .... use pads to manipulate the pot. DON'T TRUST THE POT TO BE COOL.
The Stove is under no obligation to warn you the pot is hot.
There is no friendly warden around to remind you.
Hot is hot. It burns your little pinkies.

* Belly Up
Please do not belly-up to the stove, lean on it while you are (allegedly) cooking. A belly-move can turn on a burner as easily as Five Finger Fred is known to do. The stove won't warn you that a burner has been turned on.
And check, before you leave the kitchen, after Dinner is Done, that the burners and oven are OFF. The stove won't warn you that a burner is still on.

* Freezers
Don't trust them. No matter how carefully you stack the food in the freezer, it is no guarantee that when you next open the door, that the freezer won't throw something at your knee or foot in an effort to cripple you. Nothing delights a freezer more than to hear that delightful sound of a bonk and hear those explicative deleteds rolling in round sounds from your mouth.
Upon occasion freezers will freeze so thoroughly you cannot get the freezer door open. This requires the use of a hair dryer painstakingly applied along the edge of the door, or hot-water soaked towels laid along the edges, in order to get the (maliciously) frozen door open again.

* Refrigerator Shelves.
I guarantee that at some point the Refrigerator -- with malice aforethought -- will permit a shelf to collapse, splattering and spreading whatever foods were on it, around and about the insides of the refrigerator.
And if not a shelf collapsing, it will throw some bottle or other container at you when you open the door.
Refrigerators have the same odd humors as the freezer.

* Toasters
Dangerous in the best of times, they do turdy things (in the spirit of pranksters) such as refuse to eject your toast (which then resembles the charcoal briquettes one uses for the barbecue) or will pop the toast out TOO soon, so that it is still a soft slice of bread.
They also have a tendency toward pranks such as dropping the crumb tray off the bottom of the toaster, just as you wipe the last inch of counter, which is under the toaster. They will do this at the worst possible time for you, when you are pressed for time. They enjoy hearing those rolling curses dropping from your lips.

* Julia Childs
I would suggest a number of posters tacked or taped up in the kitchen of Julia Childs. She is known to have tamed nastier kitchens than yours, and has a Reputation due to this. It may help in your relations with your kitchen, possibly intimidating your kitchen into some degree of cooperation. And then again, perhaps not.

* Garlic
Garlic is useful in cooking, adds that certain something to the food we eat. But the primary use of Garlic is that you WILL wear a necklace of it at all times you are in the Kitchen. A number of survivors have said that they Devoutly believe it saved their arse from being fried.

From this brief list (2nd list is under construction, and continues these Rules), I'm sure you can see, that with PROPER precautions and with moment-by-moment caution, you and your kitchen can establish a working relationship, if not a really friendly one.

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Heather is the Administrator of the IBS Message Boards. She is the author of Eating for IBS and The First Year: IBS, and the CEO of Heather's Tummy Care. Join her IBS Newsletter. Meet Heather on Facebook!

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