Question about private messaging
#231545 - 12/14/05 12:12 PM
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Sand
Reged: 12/13/04
Posts: 4490
Loc: West Orange, NJ (IBS-D)
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I may be being awfully dense, but either I don't understand what private messaging does or I don't understand how it would help with controversial posts. Can someone bring me up to speed?
Thanks.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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me either. How does it work?
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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it's like sending an e-mail, but through the site. That way you can have a private message that is still on this site, but only you can see it. I'ts in your "my home" page.
Hope that helps!
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How do I know who to message who won't be offended - and why couldn't I just email them?
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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Well...
#231559 - 12/14/05 12:49 PM
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atomic rose
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)
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Not everyone lists their email addresses in their profiles, so you can't always email. Or in the case of people like me who work from different computers, or people who log in from both work and home, you might not have someone's email addy handy.
As for knowing who to message, that's hard to say. Generally speaking, most people who have been here for a while have at least a few people that they "know", who they can trust to message with a question that might be too sensitive for the board at large. I, for one, am hardly ever offended by anything, so I'd be a good one to ask - haha.
I think the problem we're having isn't the topics themselves, but the tangents they break off into when you get a LOT of people expressing their opinions all at once. Private messaging narrows the field a little, so to speak. At the very least, the person you message can say, hey, I think you should post this and get other people's opinions... or, fergodsakes, you'll start a war, don't post that! 
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Re: Well...
#231563 - 12/14/05 12:57 PM
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Sand
Reged: 12/13/04
Posts: 4490
Loc: West Orange, NJ (IBS-D)
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Thanks. I gather this is primarily for Living Room type topics. The danger I can see with it is that once I figure out who my "go-to" people are, I would end up just Private Messaging that same subset and cut myself off from the Board as a whole. I don't have any sense of whether that would be a problem on the Living Room, but it does seem like it could undercut the other Boards.
Or am I just not getting it?
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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Like little cliques of people who all share the same belief going off into subgroups. I would surely miss posts from the people who would choose not to PM me.
I think bad feelings may result...hurt feeling of being left out, or private conversations going on, like secrets. Or worrying that someone is PMing about me!  Wondering what was going on that I wasn't trusted to hear.Why can't we just post for everyone. It is so nice to get different perspectives and hear about different beliefs. Differences are wonderful, as are finding people who share your own views.
Okay, a little of my insecurities are influencing me here...but I can't help it!
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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One of the things I'm struggling with in my grief is people saying things that they don't realize hurt me. Like some of my friends saying "aw well, just try again." Or "at least you know you can get pregnant," I want to scream getting pregnant doesn't mean anything if you can't carry the baby. Or the one I was forever getting while trying to get pregnant, the old just relax and it'll happen thing. Grr! 
I think the key is, is to try and see how the comment, or topic in this case, was met. Another example is that even though I'm not religious, I still celebrate the commercial christmas and like saying Merry Christmas to people. The dr I work for is Jewish and we have a LOT of jewish patients but 99.9% of them aren't upset when I wish them merry christmas even though they don't "do" christmas, because they know that I met the comment in a good spirited way. People are not always politically correct but that doesn't mean that they mean offense. I can understand why some poeple are upset by the whole porn discussion but Lyndsey was upset and looking for help. A friend in need is still a freind in need, weather the topic is upsetting or not. I'm sure there were several people who would have rather not heard about my fertility issues but I would also think that even the majority of those people where happy when I got pregnant.
I agree, I think the pm'ing would take away from the boards. Maybe I'm too liberal in thinking but we are all friends and would you stop being someones friend if they admitted they looked at porn, or didn't believe in God or had an abortion, did drugs or whatever the sensative issue may be. Some of us pray, some of us light candels, some of us have ceramonies, some of us believe in carma, some of us medicate in the garden, some of us don't know what we believe. As long as we are not purposefully hurting people, we should accept the diversity here and take comfort in each others friendships. I was TRUELY touched by the out pouring of support I recieved. And weather you said a prayer for me, lit a candel or called and made me laugh at all the indignities of it, all of the support was equally cherished. As should the friendships be here. No group of "public" people will ever agree on everything so lets all try to be a bit more tolerant. Just my hormonal, emotional 2cents!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Well said Michele. Nothing to add to that.
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S.
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~nelly~
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GREAT post Michele!! {{hugs}}
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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I third that! It's amazing how some people can put feelings down so freely and they sound so good. I struggle at it.
Your post Michelle was so well said and obviously a lot feel like you do. You are an amazing person Michelle!
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~~~Lisa~~~
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Microscopic Colitis, IBS-A, GERD, Hiatal Hernia
Bethany, Ontario, Canada
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I would like there to be private messaging, as there are people I miss talking to, and when I see a post by them I would like to be able to respond to just them.
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...I totally agree with everything you said.
Still... I think my vote has to go to reinstating PMing. I think that we could still support the kind of open and honest environment you are describing here while allowing people to form more personal/individual relationships with one another - without it getting cliquely (as if this was *real life*, we would still allow people to form separate relationships outside the group... In reality, people already do that quite a bit by emailing one another outside of the boards.)
I don't think that should mean, though, that any potentially "controversial" topics (like the ones you mentioned) should be "off limits" to the private messages only. I think THAT would really start to form cliques, i.e. liberals vs. conservatives vs. whatevers... The goal, as I see it, for the LR should be to promote meeting one another and engaging in conversation on a variety of topics... I don't think we should totally rule out PMing as a way of people meeting each other, but having PMing doesn't mean either that we should cut back on the 'conversation' part. After all, one of the benefits of an online community is that you can be part of it sitting all alone at home in your PJ's (a la moi, right now  )... so you have the very tangible option of just not participating in some conversations, even just not reading them, if you find them offensive. That doesn't mean "anything goes," but it does allow, I think, for a little more openness and acceptance.
Just my two cents! Again, fabulous post though Michele. 
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And I'd just like to point out here that the reason Heather removd the PM function in the first place is to keep all the IBS posts on the board available for all to read.
If we can learn to live and let live, then that would be better IMHO, but maybe PMing would give us the chance to respond to controversial posts without flaming fires?
Either way, anyone can contact me about anything! I'm pretty much unshockable (unless someone's a secret serial killer!   ).
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After my research (see my post "Thanks, Michele. I did what..."), here's what I now think about my original questions. (Questions in black, what I now think in red.)
The following people are on the Boards: Angel, Buffy, Spike, Willow, and Xander. Buffy wants to post about last night's hunt. She wants:
1. Willow and Xander to definitely see the post and be able to reply.
Buffy would PM Willow and Xander. Willow and Xander could PM Buffy back. They would NOT get a roundtable going, just a series of what are essentially emails.
2. Angel to absolutely not know the post exists.
Buffy would just not PM Angel. He's be clueless, poor baby.
3. Spike to definitely see the post but not be able to reply.
Hmm, don't know about this. Buffy could PM Spike. I don't know if she could refuse PMs from Spike while still being able to send to him.
Buffy doesn't care whether the other on the Board see her post or not.
Buffy would just not PM the other Board members.
Can Buffy do any or all of this with Private Messaging or am I still not getting it? From Chinagrl's post, it sounds like Private Messaging has to do with replying to posts, not to making new ones - help? I think I've got it now. PM is not a private post, it's just internal email.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
Edited by Sand (12/15/05 10:09 AM)
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Well, I figure people talking about me behind my back is already possible via email, so there's no point in worrying about that.
The Living Room is not my natural environment, so I'm not going to speak to any problems that have arisen or might arise there.
For me the real concern would be whether Private Messaging would pull questions, answers, expertise, interaction away from the subject Boards. It would be a shame if it did.
At this point, I still don't understand Private Messaging well enough to have a definite opinion.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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Thanks. I'm glad it was ok, I paused several times before actully posted it as I didn't want to upset anyone. I think that my expierences over the last couple of years has really helped me be more in tune with my feelings and has allowed me to express myself much better than I ever could in the past. I've found that through grieving my 5 losses and dealing with other hardships in my life, that the more I accept things, the more at peace I am. The more I accept different people and cultures and different ways of thinking, the more I find I accept myself. I'm learning whats really important, friends and the comfort of others, life in general as I've found it so hard to reproduce life. Thats not to say that certain types of people still don't bug me, like an annoying rich person, driving a mercedes, dripping in diamonds, trying to bicker and barter with me on the price of a cheap pair of glasses to begin with! LOL!!! Maybe I just need to believe in the goodness of people, maybe I'm just naive but whatever the reason, the more I accept, the happier I am. I'm really trying to believe everyone is good unless they are purposefully hurting someone, or are mean at heart. To me, just because someone is gay, or watches porn (don't think I didn't get through two years of sex on demand without a little help! ) or is Jewish or Catholic or Athesis (sp?) it doesn't matter, what matters is if they are good at heart and mean well. Wether you agree with me or not, doesn't really matter as long as you don't think less of me for my views, I won't think less of you! When these "controversial" threads pop up, lets keep in mind what the original intent was and if it offends you, than don't read anymore and leave it at that. As linz said, if anyone is unsure if something should be posted but would like opinions or help, you can email her or myself. Like Linz, I'm not easily shocked in less your a serial murder I think was how she put it!LOL!!! Ok, enough of my prechy stuff, I think I'm still hormonal and just need to see the good in life right now! 
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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As far as I understand it, its basically just like emailing someone without needing their email address. If you were to send a private message to someone, ONLY the person you send it to will be able to read it and/or repsond to it. No one else on the baords would be able to even know the message has been sent. Instead of going to Outlook or whereever you have your email at, you would check the private messages through your profile here on the boards. Moderators, please correct me if I'm wrong but thats how I understand it.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Well...
#231775 - 12/15/05 09:22 AM
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epa_ginger
Reged: 02/23/05
Posts: 1158
Loc: Chicago, IL
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I've never done PM here (or anywhere really), but I'd be open to it. There are occasionally times where I wish I could say something privately to someone, but I'd still be really into reading everyone else's posts too.
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I find myself getting stressed this time of year, buying gifts, deciding what my husband should get, because everyone who knows/is related to him asks ME...I find it hard to actually enjoy the season. Not just the religious implications, but the sense of togetherness and peace that we all strive for. I can too easily come up with a snappy, witty yet catty remark these days, and too easily see the negative in what other people say or do. I told myself just last night I'm going to consciously try to be easy going to other people, more understanding than I usually am, more patient (help me!), and give everyone around me the benefit of the doubt. I'm hoping that after purposefully doing this for a while, it will become second nature.
I'm pretty open to everyone's ideas on anything, even stuff that might not be ok for ME (referencing other posts), and if we all didn't have different ideas on things, what would we learn from each other?
Ginger
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And yup that's how I put it! It's the only thing that I think I would not be able to try to understand.
You have such a beautiful soul Michelle. Pain and sorrow and loss are awful, but they truly can make us into better people. I know for sure that I'm alot more accepting of people and into seeing the good things of any situation now than before I got sick.
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Googled "private messaging". This is a clear description of it:
Private Messaging
and it sounds like what you're explaining Michele, so I assume it's accurate as well.
The main advantage seems to be that you can essentially "email" someone without knowing their email address. I argued that people who were willing to PM could just put their email address in their profiles instead and achieve the same effect, but my DH pointed out that doing so opened up their email addresses to the whole world, whereas Private Messaging is (should be) available only to registered Board users.
There are some systemic issues, but I figure Heather has considered those.
The main problems with regard to Board viability and users appear to be:
1) People directing "technical" questions to individual Board members. It annoyed the members and detracted from the Board. The individual members who got the PM technical questions sometimes said they just told the questioner (nicely!) to post in the forum so everyone could see the info. That made sure information was shared and I would imagine it also tended to reduce the incidence of that type of PMing.
2) A type of spamming where a user sends Private Messages to multiple individual Board members with the same technical question rather than posting the question on the forum.
I can imagine that the posters who are considered experts might be heavily PMed with technical questions, but they could cope with this by refusing Private Messages; refusing Private Messages from certain users (if that feature is available on this Board); and by declining to deal with the technical questions privately and asking the questioners to post on the Board.
For me, it's irrelevant whether PM is available or not. If it is available, I would decline to use it - my email address is in my profile and I'm fine with hearing from anyone who wants to email me.
So, no more questions for me. Thanks, guys, for trying to explain this to me.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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Honestly, the love and support from this board had truly helped me to see the good in humans! I've only met a very few of you and yet you all cried with me and comforted me in my time(s) of need. In my trying to find acceptance in everything, I often wonder if I have been forced to suffer these challenges and losses to make me a better, more patient, more tolerant person. I always wondered, as I supposed a lot of people probably do, if I have the patience for children and would be I able to raise a child well. After everything I've gone through, I know now that should I ever be blessed with a child in some way, I know that I could raise that child better now than I could have a couple of years ago. That certainly doesn't ease the pain of my losses but its a small step in the process of finding the good in things.
I can also be very quick with a snotty comment or comeback to someone who is less than kind but I'm really trying to just smile and walk away when I feel that urge to be unpleasant. When I feel myself getting too upset or too stressed, I really try to take a moment and think of something good. Whether its the new puppy I'm getting, or the fact that I have a loving husband or that I have so many people who love and care about me.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I have a question too and I guess this one would be for Heather....
Will PM'ing increase the cost of running these boards for YOU? Will it use more bandwidth, storage.... etc?
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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I voted "No" on whether to reinstitute PM. I said in an earlier post I was indifferent to whether PM was available, but after a lot of thought I've changed my mind.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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Wow, Michele!
#232235 - 12/17/05 08:23 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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This is beautiful stuff! I'm impressed. Yeah, you done good!
I was all for PM until I read your post. While I haven't totally changed my mind, this is definitely food for thought.
Well said. You done GOOD, Girl!
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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BINGO!
#232237 - 12/17/05 08:34 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Quote:
In my trying to find acceptance in everything, I often wonder if I have been forced to suffer these challenges and losses to make me a better, more patient, more tolerant person. I always wondered, as I supposed a lot of people probably do, if I have the patience for children and would be I able to raise a child well. After everything I've gone through, I know now that should I ever be blessed with a child in some way, I know that I could raise that child better now than I could have a couple of years ago.
Michele, so many MANY times I've asked myself why God chose to make me sterile -- me, who adores children and would have made an excellent mother. I had a horrible mother who obviously did not want me, which made me want to do so much better when I became a mom. Unfortunately, God had other plans for me. I still don't know what those plans are, but I know that my pain over my sterility has made me a much stronger person than I ever thought I could be. It's something I have had to accept without question. I mean, you hear all the time of mothers who drown their children, throw them off bridges or leave them in trash bags in airplane bathrooms. Why them? Why not give ME a chance? I'll never know the answer, of course, but it's made me much more patient and tolerant -- YOUR very words. Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head, Girlfriend!
You're doing wonderfully, Michele, an inspiration to us all.
{{{{Hugs}}}}
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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I voted yes initially, but now I wish I would have voted no. I think Heather was right in the first place to disable it.
I am also very unhappy about the whole porn discussion -- because it triggered posts mentioning we have "very young posters". Maybe we do -- but these boards are not designed to be boards for kids. The majority of us are adults with IBS, and adults with IBS are bound to have problems that might not be the best viewing material for children. The living room was designed to be off-topic-land and a LOT of us use it for a place to get advice when our usual resources aren't satisfactory. A lot of us are intensely isolated because of our IBS and, sad and pathetic as it may seem, may not have any friends we know well enough to ask some of the questions that many of us ask on the boards.
Teenagers are old enough that they have seen and heard stuff FAR worse than you'll ever find on these boards. Kids who are younger -- well -- their parents had better be supervising their Internet activity, and it is up to the parents to decide if the site has appropriate content.
I am struggling with endometriosis, a gynecological condition, and I've posted a lot of "embarrassing female stuff" that might be argued as inappropriate viewing for a 9-year-old. Well, I'm sorry, but these boards do not cater to 9-year-olds. If you are 9, your parents should be screening what you look at, and your parents should decide whether or not they are comfortable with their kids reading the kind of posts that get generated here. It's not like any of us are posting sexually explicit descriptions of what we did last night!!! (But maybe because most of us spent last night on the couch in sweatpants watching "Desperate Housewives.")
I LOVE the living room. It keeps me sane. I have no friends right now. Yes, this makes me sad and pathetic, but being so sick has kept me completely isolated -- I don't have the time/energy to join a club or anything to make new friends, and I've lost the few friends I did have because they haven't cared enough to stick around through the bad times. I don't want to get to the point where I can't post about my problems because someone might get offended. And I don't want to do the PM thing, because I am totally insecure and thinks that no one really likes me and I would not impose upon anyone by PM'ing them with a question. With posts you know that someone is responding because (s)he genuinely WANTS to.
Anyway, I like the LR just the way it is, and I don't want it changed. I want to hear what EVERYONE has to say, even if I may ultimately disagree with it. I skip over stuff I don't want to read, and if I start finding myself irritated with something, I back off and go to another thread. Years of being a liberal in my husband's ultra-conservative family has taught me to try to keep my mouth shut when possible.
OK, anyway, that's what I think. If it matters. Which probably it doesn't. But I wish I had voted no. So if you haven't voted, vote no for me to cancel out my yes!!
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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I agree 100% with you Jen, however, I voted yes and I'm a little confused as to why you changed your mind now? We still have the option of posting like we normally do on the living room site or we have the option of doing it privately. What's it matter at this point? I'm looking at it as someone else had said, the people that will be PMing are more than likely the ones who spend time with each other outside of the IBS board via email or whatever. I don't intend on getting many PM's. There have been one or two that I've gotten to know a tiny bit so far outside of the IBS boards. I just think that it's a option for whoever wants to talk "outside of the box". If they want to do that then let them. Of course they could email each other too if both emails are available. I don't list my email, however, I've given it out 1 or 2 times. That's it. Why? Who knows. Paranoid? Maybe but I'd just like to keep it how it is for me now and I really don't think the PM will affect me.
Maybe I'm missing something? 
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~~~Lisa~~~
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Jen...
#232312 - 12/17/05 07:30 PM
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Augie
Reged: 10/27/04
Posts: 5807
Loc: Illinois
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maybe you could email Heather and ask her to change your vote. I'm sure she could do it for you.
You can email her at Help@HelpForIBS.com
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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If Private Messaging IS enabled, I'd very much like to see some stats on the number of posts per Board before and after. I think that's the only way we're really going to know if PMing is pulling interactions off the Boards. Otherwise, we're just going to have people "feeling" like it is or it isn't. I'm awfully fond of facts myself and would rather squabble about what the facts mean than about what the facts are. (Sorry, Heather, I know this is just one more thing, but I'm hoping that info is already being tracked somewhere.)
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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Lisa
#232354 - 12/18/05 08:27 AM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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I just worry that PMs WILL take away from the boards. As will the fuss and muss -- i.e. now if Heather does enable PMs people will worry about posting stuff and if they should really just do PMs instead. Or people will think, oh, no one else is interested in this, I should just send a PM to a couple people, when it's something that others WILL be interested in. Or if it's an "iffy" topic and you feel like you are obligated to do PMs instead of posting, only (like me) you feel like you shouldn't be imposing upon others that way, so you never end up getting the advice you wanted.
Quite possible enabling private messaging will do nothing to the Boards. And on occasion there have been times when I would have liked to say something but didn't want to post it. But, if I REALLY wanted to say it, I can always just post asking someone to email me (if she doesn't have an address in her profile). So I am not really sure there is ultimately anything to gain by it.
Guess we could always try it out and then it can get disabled again if there do end up being problems.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Hosting sites is not cheap. And, being a professional computer geek, I know that adding any kind of functionality on a server is bound to increase CPU, memory, and disk usage. Sometimes it's negligible, sometimes it's a lot. Not sure about private messaging.
If anyone remembers -- for a Christmas gift to HEATHER, who has helped us out so much, go to the shopping section of the site and buy one or more quantity of the "support this site". I haven't done it yet, but I intend to. It is only $10. Most of us can come up with $10 by cutting out a couple non-essential grocery items (a pound of extra-lean ground turkey is $5, soy ice cream is usually around $3.50 -- come on, guys, you can do it). I don't know about everyone else, but I would have been so lost without all of the support I've gotten here, even back when I was a non-participating lurker.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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I guess I'm just looking at it as if you want to say something to someone privately just do it via email. I think most people are willing to give it then delete it so it's not up all the time. For instance, Michelle and I somehow got to talking about real estate appraising one time in a thread about who knows what so we deciding to exchange emails cause it was getting lenthly and probably no one wanted to read about it since it was taking up so much room on whatever topic it started out as.
I feel the same way you do though. I don't mind ANY topic that is posted. Controversial(politics, religion, whatever). If I feel strongly about something I'm reading, I'll post about it. If it doesn't pertain to me or I don't know enough about it, I just read and keep out. I'm not sure why other people can't just do that but, whatever, everyone's different.
I can pretty much guarantee that the PMing will mostly be about someone else talking about someone else on the boards. Don't ya think? Why else would someone use it? If you have nothing to hide then post it where everyone can read it.
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~~~Lisa~~~
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IBS-D. Hiatal Hernia, GERD
Unstable
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Quote:
I can pretty much guarantee that the PMing will mostly be about someone else talking about someone else on the boards. Don't ya think? Why else would someone use it? If you have nothing to hide then post it where everyone can read it.
I understand this concern Lisa, however I don't think it's entirely fair.
I've been debating writing this or not, but in my case I posted for several years before growing increasingly uncomfortable with the overall attitude and environment here. Although I don't feel I could participate in the larger community ever again, and I don't flatter myself that the larger community is really missing my presence, I would like to be able to respond to particular topics, ask questions on the diet board, etc.
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Re: PMs
#232628 - 12/19/05 01:45 PM
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I've been debating writing this or not, but in my case I posted for several years before growing increasingly uncomfortable with the overall attitude and environment here. Although I don't feel I could participate in the larger community ever again, and I don't flatter myself that the larger community is really missing my presence, I would like to be able to respond to particular topics, ask questions on the diet board, etc.
I know exactly how you feel, Jenny. Well said.
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- Jennifer
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that would change this?
- H
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Heather is the Administrator of the IBS Message Boards. She is the author of Eating for IBS and The First Year: IBS, and the CEO of Heather's Tummy Care. Join her IBS Newsletter. Meet Heather on Facebook!
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I had no idea people felt this way - why? And what can I do that would change this?
- H
I sure wish I knew how to answer this Heather... You've got a BIG group of people... But I AM glad that everyone is letting everyone know how they feel...that is great this is getting out in the open.
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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I am sorry you feel this way  Again, it's just my thought or opinion. I could be totally wrong. To be honest with you, I've been posting over a year too and I DO notice when people who had posted when I first started STOP posting. However, the newer ones I can't keep track of who started and who stopped. It's very hard since there are so many users. So to say that you weren't missed is also unfair. But yes, there are several "clicks" that do only answer to certain posts but there's really nothing you can do about it cause it's inevitable that it happens pretty much everywhere in life. I'm not bothered by it but I can see maybe some people are.
I can tell you that whenever you answered a post I remember admiring your answers because they sounded very educated and I was always interested in what you had to say. I also did notice at one time that you hadn't posted in the LR in quite a while but sometimes people disappear for months and then return for whatever reason. That could have been you for all I/we knew. Also some people tell us when they've had enough and are leaving. Not sure if you did.
I just wanted to say that basically having PMing or not having PMing would really make no difference to me. I could take it or leave it. I think if someone really wants to get in touch with someone else privately, get their email that's all.
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~~~Lisa~~~
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Chinagrl
#232666 - 12/19/05 05:43 PM
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Sand
Reged: 12/13/04
Posts: 4490
Loc: West Orange, NJ (IBS-D)
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Quote:
Although I don't feel I could participate in the larger community ever again, and I don't flatter myself that the larger community is really missing my presence, I would like to be able to respond to particular topics, ask questions on the diet board, etc.
I'm just a little confused - an apparently recurrent state with me these days. Are you saying that PM would make it easier for you to start participating in the Boards again? If so, could you explain why or how? (I'm getting the feeling I may not actually understand PM after all.) If you'd rather do this "off-Board", my email is in my profile.
Thanks.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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I've left the boards twice, but like a bad penny I keep coming back. It feels like home here. For me, I'm grateful to you, Heather, to have this vehicle to freely discuss anything and everything. I believe most of us feel that way, at least I'd like to think so.
I got so much from the Boards when I was initially diagnosed. You, Heather, the Boards and Michael did so much for me, I feel I need to do whatever I can to help others in return. I'm here to stay. (Well, okay, I may not post as much as I used to, 'cause I was spending WAAAY too much time here, but nevertheless, I'm here for the long haul.)
I'm hoping this is just a passing thing, 'cause we all need each other. I found that out the hard way.
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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To answer your question Sand- private messaging would allow me to participate but fly under the radar. Like, if I wanted to answer your question but not have everyone see it, or me, or that I'm even here, I could do it through a private message. I actually have your email, so I could just email you, but sometimes that seems strange and a bit more personal (especially when you don't know people's real names. ). With private messaging I could tell Michele how happy I am that she got a puppy in stealth mode- and not worry about getting caught up in living room drama again.
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Hey Lisa and Shelby-
Thanks guys. I wasn't fishing for people to tell me they missed me though, I swear. I think any time there's a large group of people, and it's the internet where you can't see people smiling, or you don't take the time to think before you post, there's bound to be a lot of drama. I was really bothered by some of the drama in the past. Like I was telling Sand, sometimes people don't want to post their emails in a public location (and I don't blame them), and it gets confusing when you're emailing and you have to explain who you are and what you're referring to. I honestly don't think private messaging would change anything for those of you who like to participate in the Living Room. It would just make it possible for some of us, like the other Jennifer and I to have a central hub and way of talking to people about IBS and IBS related issues without people even knowing we're here.
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Back to Chinagrl
#232716 - 12/19/05 08:17 PM
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Sand
Reged: 12/13/04
Posts: 4490
Loc: West Orange, NJ (IBS-D)
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Your thinking on this sort of makes sense to me for The Living Room stuff, although I think Jen1013's points about how vital the Living Room can be with full participation are good ones. For the other more "technical" Boards, though, I worry that people PMing will take information away from the Boards. For example, if you have something to say about a question on the Diet Board, that would be of value to everyone there and it would be (is) a shame to lose that.
I guess everyone's different. I would feel more comfortable emailing someone on the Boards than PMing her or him. I figure if someone puts his or her email in his or her profile (English is a pain to use sometimes), it means s/he is willing to be emailed out of the blue.
As for real names versus Board names, a rose by any other name...
BTW, the idea of using PM - or email - to talk about other people on the Board doesn't bother me. Gossip is inevitable and I choose to assume that anyone who is talking about me is only saying good things. Naive, perhaps, but I sleep better with that attitude.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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of stuff that bothers me, irritates me, or annoys me about the Boards, but none of it is anything you could do anything about. And my list today is different from my list 3 months ago. And I'm pretty sure everyone who has such a list would mention different stuff than I do. I think it's inevitable when you have a large heterogeneous group that there are going to be frictions, hurt feelings, what Chinagrl has called "drama", and so on.
I could also give you a list of stuff about the Boards that pleases me, amuses me, comforts me, and helps me. When the bad list seems to outweigh the good list, I just back off for a while until I more clearly remember all the good stuff.
As far as I'm concerned, Heather, you do an excellent job of giving the Boards enough rein to run a little, but pulling up hard on the bit when things go too far. (I've never been on a horse in my life so I have no idea why I'm suddenly off and running with this metaphor.) I think that's really all you can do and beyond that the flavor of the Boards results from the people who are posting on them.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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Exactly Sand
#232736 - 12/20/05 01:51 AM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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The boards have changed alot since I first posted but that's inevitable as the people change.
The only thing I can think of is to maybe send warning emails to people who are getting stroppy telling them to back off? And maybe send emails (or PMs) to people who bring up contentious topics asking them to be careful with their wording in future??? But I really don't think there's alot that can be done. Whilst people are intolerant, there are always going to be issues on an open board.
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I noticed in your post where you asked us to vote that you said you had seen PM horribly abused on other boards. What do you mean by that? Can you explain?
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I too have been here for a long time and have seen people come and go for various reasons. I may not post a lot in the Diet section anymore but I feel like I have grown close to a lot of people here. There will always be topics that someone isn't going to like in a public forum like this but I would be devastated if the Living Room was limited more. I voted no for the pm'ing but really I guess if it makes some people happy its not going to bother me but I also post my email address and I'm happy to receive emails from people here. I just know that without all of you, I would have had a much harder time coping with things the last couple of years and I would hate to lose such support. Maybe I'm being selfish, I don't know. Maybe I'm too liberal, I don't know. We do have to power to not read threads that get to far out of our comfort zones. I think that some people don't post things out of modesty or embarrassment or whatever but they often find comfort and answers in other peoples post.
If it will help, I will volunteer to be a spring board for people who aren't sure if something is suitable for the boards. As I said, there's not much that I'm offended by or embarrassed by.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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It's funny - I have my own list of what I love and hate about the boards, too!
It seems as if most of the troublesome posts come up in the Living Room, and that's the board where I spend the least amount of time. I figure that since the subject matter is not IBS, and is pretty much open to anything else, people will conduct themselves honorably and if they don't, someone will report it to me. Where things sometimes go wrong is that problems don't get reported, and I can't follow all the threads on this board closely enough to pick up problems on my own.
So - if anyone does have a problem with posts, please let me know at Help@HelpForIBS.com and I'll look into it as fast as possible.
- H
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Heather is the Administrator of the IBS Message Boards. She is the author of Eating for IBS and The First Year: IBS, and the CEO of Heather's Tummy Care. Join her IBS Newsletter. Meet Heather on Facebook!
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Heather and my Living Room family,
I have been a moderator for these boards since it began!
And I love all of the people here.
And I love being a part of this family.
Because of the people here I have been able to take my medication for bipolar. Because of the people here I am learning to be assertive. Because of the pepole here I am growing and learning all the time!
You each have something unique and special to offer the group. Perhaps you do not even know how much you've helped someone. I know many of you have inspired me in ways I've never told you before. For ex. if I need to work on exercising...I think of Shell and Ginger and Amy and yes you too Jenny!!!
If I ever want to work on any aspect of myself...there is someone on these boards I can go to for strength! (And I HAVE gone to many of you...that's how I know.)
If I ever need a man's opinion I have Tommy, Dan, and Avidan just to name a few.
If I feel depressed and lonely there is always someone to cheer me up.
If I need my fibro gang I have at least a handful of ladies to give me a "gentle hug"
If I get a new diagnosis...there is someone here who can relate and teach me what I need to know to begin doing research so I can help myself get better!!
Whatever I am dealing with or working on growing in...there is SOMEONE on these boards there by my side.
How many families can say that?!?!?! 
I just love you ALL!!!!
We're a team!
Every team has it's bad days. Sometimes we make mistakes or say/do/post things we regret
Seriously...I think what we have is VERY special. We're a family. That's why folks like Bev and Shelby say they can't stay away (love you Bev! *hugs love you Shelby! *hugs*)
Have you ever noticed that if someone posts for a while and then leaves...many times we ask where they are? We look out for each other!! (And jenny...I noticed you were gone...but you came back right around the time I was gonna post about ya )
Mags whose username is now *Melissa* once called me the IBS cheerleader (striped socks days...remember??)
So let me cheer y'all on now.
The Living Room is great
And we're gonna show ya why
We're some special people
Not your average guys
We've got IBS
And that makes us cool
So we're hanging out together
In our Living Room
GOOOOOOOO LIVING ROOM! ! ! ! !
Ok, so I'm corny!
Seriously. Take what you like and leave the rest. I love this place.
You're my family. And I love ya!
MWAH!!!!! *hugs*
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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actually, i've seen it as a secret way to lend support to someone who's suffering, in my Mom's bard for example. We've secretly sent flowers etc. to moms when they've had a loss through PMS. And yeah, gossip is inevitable, and that is life, but taht would happen through email anyhow. Pms help me actually feel MORE connected to the boards. i would not be as willing to email someone as I would to PM them. maybe the anonymity is nice for me, even though i use my actual picture and hometown....
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Keep on keepin' on...
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how everyone is being so open and honest here.
This is what makes the LR so great!
No one is being insulting or accusatory. Just loving and downright honest.
*hugs*
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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and yes, it Is great, and very cathartic.
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Keep on keepin' on...
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Aww, you're such a suck!;) And in my family's offbeat, dysfunctional way, that means, you are so sweet and you need to be recognized for it!
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Keep on keepin' on...
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I am a Christian, so the only thing that would really offend me is someone trying to convince me that God doesn't exist, or trying to push their religion on me.I don't push Christianity on anyone, I don't believe that's how it's supposed to work anyhow.
I would also not tolerate anyone being racist or bigoted.(anti-human rights-we're ALL human, you know.)
But anything else is fair game to me.it's just conversation or opinion. I doubt anyone is EVER out to "get" anyone else on this board with their discussions. So maybe I am warped but yes, i'll talk about anything....almost anything!(ok, don't tell me you kill or abuse anyone, i won't be too sympathetic.)
And I'm not too worried about hurting feelings because these are my opinions, and everyone has them...It's up to us to choose not to be freaked out about them.
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Keep on keepin' on...
Edited by SoreTummyMommyAgain! (12/20/05 04:27 PM)
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HEYYY! That must be a Canuck thing! Tina uses that term all the time!!!
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Quote:
actually, i've seen it[PMing] as a secret way to lend support to someone who's suffering, in my Mom's bard for example. We've secretly sent flowers etc. to moms when they've had a loss through PMS. And yeah, gossip is inevitable, and that is life, but taht would happen through email anyhow. Pms help me actually feel MORE connected to the boards. i would not be as willing to email someone as I would to PM them. maybe the anonymity is nice for me, even though i use my actual picture and hometown....
Since you're actually using PMs on another Board, maybe you can help me understand them better. When y'all got together on your Mom's Board to send flowers, how did you know who to PM to go in on it? Or is there just a sort of "broadcast" PM so everyone hears about it?
If your Mom's Board is more technical (like the Diet Board here), do you find that people are using PMs to ask and get information that could be helpful on the Board or does that just pretty much not happen? If your Mom's Board is more like The Living Room here, is there a problem with people talking to each other via PM and leaving the Board less active than it might be? (I'm afraid I'm sounding accusatory and I don't mean to, but these are the problems I worry about with PM.)
Just out of sheer curiousity, how do y'all collect the money and find the address to send flowers?
I was struck by your comment that you would be more comfortable with PMing than with emailing because anonymity is important to you. I can understand that. I use a "fake" email in my profile just to weed out any wackos. If I'm going to send an email cold to someone from the Board, though, or if I get into an extended email exchange with someone from the Board, I switch over to my "real" email with my real name - it's seems not quite right to keep hiding under those circumstances. So, to me, my "fake" email is just like PM - it preserves my anonymity until I'm ready to let it go. I guess it's just a matter of different people drawing the anonymity line in slightly different places.
Thanks for your help in sorting this out.
--------------------
[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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--------------------
Heather is the Administrator of the IBS Message Boards. She is the author of Eating for IBS and The First Year: IBS, and the CEO of Heather's Tummy Care. Join her IBS Newsletter. Meet Heather on Facebook!
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Ruchie, this is such a sweet post. I think a lot of us feel as you do and have been helped and inspired by you as well. -dan (sitting here reading while having a random and hopefully mild ibs attack!)
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Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
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I hope your mild attack goes away pronto!!
I hope we see in the LR more often!! You're voice is more than welcome here Let us know how you're feeling...and if we can do anything to help with that attack
Have a super day!
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Well a nice nap took care of it - my wife was nice and let me keep napping after our daughter woke up from her nap. Thanks for the kind words- for the last year I've read almost every post here and in the eating and hypnosis boards too. I'm just a quieter member of the boards ! Anyway I feel fine now, thanks for your concern... Dan
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Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
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I'm glad you're feeling better! Sounds like your wife is terrfic! It's ok to be quiet Just as long as you know that when you do speak up...you're voice is much appreciated here!
Take care,
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Hi sweetie. Here are my answers...
AS far as my moms board goes, it's become much more of a friendship than anything technical, and what the PM gets used for in that respect is lending a deeper amount of support to a specific mom, offering a phone number to call, or discussing how to help someone in need or help them see their behaviour is not OK. We exchange Christmas presents so we have addresses for everyone, and we've been together for three years now. That being said, the gift we put together once was a scrapbook, and the one person just had stuff sent to her address and compiled it and sent it on. Then again, we've had pie-in-the-sky ideas that never came to fruition too.
My mom's board is pretty slow as is, but PMs do not detract from the action on the boards. I prefer to click a PM for a person to doing all the work of emailing them, so it's more convenient for me.And if we need to do a surprise for a mom, we just PM the people we know would be most interested, and don't worry about the rest. PMing everyone on here would take FOREVER!!!
You said:
I was struck by your comment that you would be more comfortable with PMing than with emailing because anonymity is important to you. I can understand that. I use a "fake" email in my profile just to weed out any wackos. If I'm going to send an email cold to someone from the Board, though, or if I get into an extended email exchange with someone from the Board, I switch over to my "real" email with my real name - it's seems not quite right to keep hiding under those circumstances. So, to me, my "fake" email is just like PM - it preserves my anonymity until I'm ready to let it go. I guess it's just a matter of different people drawing the anonymity line in slightly different places.
My response is that yeah, I guess I don't mean anonymity as much as I mean....this is sort of a less real world for me, not as tangible, and I've met people I met on the Internet before and have had some very bizarre visits, so I guess I feel safer in the realm of PM, soryt of like there's still that safe distance. I don't care that anyone knows I'm Shannon Webb, but coming to actually meeting anyone still makes me nervous. I have attachment issues.....lots of therapy going on for that. I have had a hard time trusting, so PMing is like getting personal but still having the safety of the Internet to protect me. Stupid? I don't know. I've had stalkers before though.
I hope I was of some assistance. You guys are all very important to me, even though I like to keep it on this plane of existence.
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Keep on keepin' on...
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We canucks are mouthy little brats.
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Keep on keepin' on...
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Thanks for the info on how PMing works on your Mom's Board - I think I have a better feel for it now. I have to say that, always having been the "geek" in life and never the "clique", the possibility of that aspect still makes me nervous. On the other hand, a lot of what you're talking about doing sounds very kind, generous, and helpful. Lots to think about - I'm finding your posts are doing that to me lately. Hmmm.
Speaking of thinking, I thought this:
Quote:
My response is that yeah, I guess I don't mean anonymity as much as I mean....this is sort of a less real world for me, not as tangible, and I've met people I met on the Internet before and have had some very bizarre visits, so I guess I feel safer in the realm of PM, soryt of like there's still that safe distance. I don't care that anyone knows I'm Shannon Webb, but coming to actually meeting anyone still makes me nervous. I have attachment issues.....lots of therapy going on for that. I have had a hard time trusting, so PMing is like getting personal but still having the safety of the Internet to protect me. Stupid? I don't know. I've had stalkers before though.
I hope I was of some assistance. You guys are all very important to me, even though I like to keep it on this plane of existence.
was perfectly put. My Internet-specific email address still works for me in terms of connection combined with safety, but I can see how PMing would tie in better to that other plane for some people. Like I said, you're giving me stuff to think about.
Thanks again.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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So...
#233277 - 12/22/05 08:48 AM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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what's wrong with people "knowing" you're there? I mean, this is the place to talk about IBS and IBS-related issues. Unless you just don't feel comfortable talking about it, I guess. I do know that I've been helped by a LOT of posts that were initiated and replied to by other people. I was only reading, not participating, but I did benefit. And that's the kind of thing that I would worry about missing out on with PMs. But, of course, if you don't want your issues to become public, that's totally your call. I think a lot of us here are paranoid about being "found out" by people we know. If I knew that someone I knew was reading my posts (besides people like my husband or family), I would probably die of embarrassment and then go back and delete most of my posts.
Anyway, I missed the last bout of posts where you had ended up leaving (Heather had deleted everything by the time I read the boards) but was told by someone else later on. I did and do miss your posts. And, seeing as how you probably have NO idea who I am, I'm one of those "anonymous" faces that would miss out on people like you choosing to participate in the boards via PMs instead of the public boards. Obviously that would be MY problem, not yours, but I would really hate to have that become widespread for a lot of people.
In short -- I am selfish!!!
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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I think when people have issues with the "feel" of the board, what they really have issues with are certain people -- or maybe not even certain people as much as those certain people's viewpoints. There are a lot of us here, and we aren't required to like each other, so I will freely admit there are some people here I don't care for. I just basically skip over the majority of their posts. Also, if you (a generic "you", not a specific "you") didn't read any of the "inflammatory" threads that come up every now and then, would you feel the same way? I mean, think about it, when you post about how you feel horrible because you've just had a bad attack, everyone who replies is always very supportive. I've never seen anyone reply by saying, "You probably brought it on yourself by eating too many Christmas cookies. Suck it up and go to work."
When you get a bunch of people together like this, there are bound to be personality conflicts. But that's a part of life, and I guess everyone has to decide for himself when it reaches a point where the people on your "ugh" list seem to be overwhelming the place. There's an awful lot of people who "leave" and then end up coming back, though, so we can't be too awful.
(I "left", too, when I decided I should take a break from the boards after my GI basically said my symptoms were psychosomatic. I think I actually stopped reading the boards for maybe two days, and then started doing a quick skim, and then went into mostly-lurking-mode. I don't know exactly why I can't stay away. Because I have no life, I guess.)
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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I don't know if you remember me, I used to go by "Maria!Maria!", but I just wanted to say "hi" and let you know that I've missed your presence on the boards. (I haven't been around much lately, mostly reading the posts, and then doing other things. Busy, you know. ) I hope you're doing well.
I don't hang out in the LR too much, so I can't really speak for the dynamics of the community.
Anyway, forgive me, but I'm going to switch subjects for a moment. I remember you said once that you enjoyed reading Bitch Magazine, so I thought you'd like to know that the independent distributor of magazines like Bitch and Punk Planet recently admitted to having $ problems. I don't know how this will affect those magazines. It would be crappy if we were to lose these great, independent resources. 
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I have a life, but I can't stay away from the boards either!! And I WISH someone would tell me to STOP eating so many cookies!
But I agree overall with your posts. I think some people who aren't happy with the boards, are really just not happy with certain posters. It would be great if everyone could just kind of avoid those posts and stay on the boards to communicate with everyone. heck, their posts may be helping people they aren't even aware of (lurkers).
I, for one, firmly decided on getting a labradoodle, after reading about them here. Kind of unexpected result from the boards, but so helpful!
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Oh no that's terrible! I had noticed an increase in letters from them asking for more money, but haven't had it to send there lately (frankly my charity dollars have gone to various schools, medical organizations, and those poor animals caught in Katrina before a magazine. Even though I love it). Huh. Maybe I'll have to divert some of the birthday money I have coming soon to support them.
Thanks for the heads up!
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Thank you for saying this, and I will have to mull it over.
Honestly, I understand what you all were saying about avoiding posts by certain people or certain topics or whatever. But... well, after writing this a thousand different ways, I can't figure out how to say how I feel without starting anything stupid up again (not my intention.) All I can say is, I was raised to believe that if you ignore hatred or intolerance of those different than you, then you are condoning it. I refuse to stay silent and condone it, but I know that's the easiest way to peace. So I know the easiest way to peace is no chinagrl! I hope that makes sense.
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~~~Lisa~~~
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Re: So...
#233479 - 12/22/05 09:08 PM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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Hmmm. I guess I'm at a disadvantage here because I didn't read the last spate of posts that made you leave the boards, so I have no idea what you mean. (I don't want any explanations on this -- it sounds like all of that is better off left deleted the way Heather left it.) I have seen a lot of posts that conflict with my own personal code, but I can't think of anything that has struck me as complete flat-out wrong. And that's why we're supposed to stay away from debates, I guess, so that we don't reveal our evil dark sides and we can all be happy.
Anyway, I respect where you're coming from, but I do wish you would end up deciding to stick around. Weren't you and Ginger and I all going to be the "future financially responsible moms" or whatever when we all started to TTC in 2006??
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Ah, future financially responsible moms! Yep... how's that coming for you? We're going to start trying for our baby on January 15th when my last packet of pills is done. We even have names. I'm excited, when I'm not totally and completely freaked out.
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Re: So...
#233570 - 12/23/05 12:56 PM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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Lucky you! So you're trying right away after you finish off the pill? No adjust time or anything? What names are you thinking of?
My story is kind of long and complicated. Basically we won't be starting TTC until March/April. I was recently diagnosed w/ endometriosis. I had a surgery a couple weeks ago and will need another one around February timeframe to repair a hole that is either in or near my uterus (I was still pretty doped up when the gyno told me this so I'm not sure about this one). After I've recovered from that then I should be allowed to start trying! Endo carries a high risk of infertility, but I'm pretty optimistic. I guess if it takes me three years to conceive that's all the more financially secure my family will be, right??
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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My gyno says that the stuff about needing time off of the pill to get pregnant is a myth, and that you can get pregnant the day after you finish your packet, so I guess we'll see. We're not going to be all hard core about it and ummm... try an unnatural amount? We'll just go about our lives normally. For one thing, I'm going to be away on business all summer, so if it hasn't happened by then it won't until the fall. And I'm weirdly superstitious about the names... so maybe I'll email you when there actually is something to be named.
And I'm sorry about the endometriosis! I hope your surgery wasn't too painful, or that you at least got good drugs. And that's a good attitude about the whole conception thing... if it takes a while you can promise your baby an awesome college education!
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believe it or not, I DID manage to curb my spending, and we've set up a nice savings plan for the next year. So I think I actually MAY BE financiallly secure!!
Good luck to you both with TTC! I've been working on it---this week actually!!
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Good for you Ginger. Glad to see the club members are following the directives, if not actively clubbing. Good luck!
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