Help! I Feel Like I'm Drowning
#16301 - 08/05/03 10:06 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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Every Tuesday I get together with a bunch of friends at someone's house. It started out as coffee and muffins (maybe bagels), and now everyone has started preparing heavy lunches. Today, the hostess served a Mexican menu---chicken enchiladas smothered in a thick white sauce (sour cream and cheese), a cornbread salad (with celery, tomatoes, nuts, and regular mayo), a brown rice casserole (with half and half in it), and a coconut cake (with cream of coconut, one things that's very high in fat). There was a fruit plate (strawberries, grapes, and pineapple), but I knew I couldn't eat that on an empty stomach. I asked her if she had any bread or crackers. She offered me wheat bread and Ritz crackers, and I hated to decline that too. I drank my Citrucel and tasted one bite of the cornbread salad, and my stomach started cramping! Then the group started in on me---"We don't think you're eating enough. No wonder you've been losing weight. You've got to eat something!" It was all I could do to not cry. I tried explaining to them, but no one seems to understand. Next week it's my turn to have it at my house. I have no idea what I will serve.
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So sorry that you have to go through that. I hate getting comments related to my body and food. It's so annoying and no one's business. I usually deflect any comments and forget about it. If they don't understand and/or empathize, then they can't be true friends.
Now, onto your game plan for being hostess. Start planning your menu from Heather's book. All of those recipes taste exceptionally well, and no one will notice that they are modified to fit your diet. You will be able to eat and probably not have to deal with comments from people.
Don't let them get you down. You are the one who has to deal with the aftereffects of eating something you're not supposed to. They may not understand, but they should accept.
Good luck!
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~jules
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Hi - This is one of those situations where it's easier in the long run if you just tell your friends flat-out that you have IBS, and that you have some specific dietary needs. You can even print pages from the websites here and hand out the info so they can just read it. You might have to just bring your own snacks or lunch to the gatherings if you can't count on others preparing safe foods for you. I know it can be hard to tell people what's wrong, but it will relieve a lot of mental stress if you know that your friends will understand why you can and can't eat things they make for you, and that their comments about your weight are not appropriate or helpful even if they meant things kindly. Remember - your friends can't help you if they don't know what's wrong, and they can't make you safe foods if you don't tell them what that means. They'll probably be happy to try and make you comfortable, but you have to let them.
Jules is right - you can make a fabulous lunch for everyone at your own place that is IBS safe for you. This might also give your friends some idea of how to cook for you when they're hosting as well.
Not sure what kind of food you like, but here are some ideas:
Make the shrimp fajitas with the smoky black bean dip, roasted tomato and mango salsa, guacamole, and serve with rice, flour tortillas, baked chips, and people can roll their own burritos. Make horchatas to drink.
Make the Thai rice noodle salad with shrimp and mango - looks beautiful for a luncheon. Make the chicken satays with it. Serve with green tea. Angel food cake with a little fresh fruit for dessert, or make any one of the sorbets. The lime mint leaf one is lovely with Asian food.
Make a barbecue. There's barbecue catfish sandwiches (could also use chicken or even tofu) with coleslaw, serve with canned vegetarian baked beans, baked Lays potato chips, the candied sweet potatoes, buy or make soy/rice ice cream for dessert or bake the double decker pecan pie.
For something simple, there are tons of great sandwiches - smoked chicken with fig chutney, sesame chutney with Asian slaw, grilled Portobello sandwiches, smoked white fish and cucumber sandwiches. Serve with the tuna basil pasta salad, have herbal ice tea to drink, angel food cake or sorbet for dessert.
All the recipe are in Eating for IBS, and some of them are online here web page
Best,
Heather
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Heather is the Administrator of the IBS Message Boards. She is the author of Eating for IBS and The First Year: IBS, and the CEO of Heather's Tummy Care. Join her IBS Newsletter. Meet Heather on Facebook!
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Horchatas?
#16328 - 08/05/03 11:12 AM
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Lorna
Reged: 01/29/03
Posts: 129
Loc: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
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Heather - What fabulous ideas for lunch! You can invite me over anytime  Just one question though - what is horchatas???
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Lorna 
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Yeah, I love doing the fancy-schmancy luncheon thing! Horchatas are Mexican drinks made from either rice, seeds, or nuts. You soak the cooked rice (or almonds in the recipe I really like), then blend up with a little cinnamon and lime zest. It's sort of like a homemade rice milk or almond milk. You can make it with pumpkin seeds but I've never tried that. The almond version is to die for - I make a big pitcher and with Mexican food it's heaven.
- H
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Heather is the Administrator of the IBS Message Boards. She is the author of Eating for IBS and The First Year: IBS, and the CEO of Heather's Tummy Care. Join her IBS Newsletter. Meet Heather on Facebook!
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Lorna
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Thanks, guys for the suggestions as to what I can serve next week. The recipes sound delicious. I just had a fajita for lunch and it was great.
Now, as to trying to explain this to your friends, I have TRIED and TRIED. It doesn't help at all that 2 members of the group supposedly have IBS (I am doubtful) and they eat whatever they want and just take their anti-spasmodic medicine. I saw one of them at a restaurant downing a huge club sandwich with regular mayo, cheese, bacon, etc., then finish it off a rich dessert and coffee. So as a result, they tell me, "Oh, I know what you're going through and it's not fun. I've dealt with this for years. Just ask the doctor to give you some medicine and you will be fine. You can't go through life not eating." They both supposedly have IBS-D and I have IBS-C. When one of them gave me the name of the medicine she takes, I looked it up online and it said it causes constipation!!!! I tried to explain to them that I don't have diarrhea, but the opposite problem and that I can't take that medicine. They just shake their heads and act like I'm being stubborn! Of course, the subject always comes up when we are sitting down to eat. I try not to go into much detail at that point because no one wants to hear about bowel problems while they are eating. Besides calling each one of them separately to discuss this with them, I am beginning to wonder if I should just stay home on Tuesdays from now on. I used to enjoy this group, but they don't know how to serve anything unless it's high, fat and greasy (which doesn't even appeal to me).
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I worked with a woman once who also claimed she had IBS...and as she's telling me this she's drinking a large coffee and eating a fried doughnut at 8 am in the morning (this was her daily breakfast). I was starting to spasm just watching her. We had office lunch meetings at this place once a week and she'd always sigh when I placed my special sandwich and herbal iced tea order. I wanted to strangle her.
I never did figure out how to deal with her aside from just ignoring her as best I could, and simply telling her that obviously IBS varied a lot from person to person and I had more severe symptoms than she did, and those symptoms were triggered by foods she could apparently tolerate.
But I still wanted to strangle her...
- H
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Heather is the Administrator of the IBS Message Boards. She is the author of Eating for IBS and The First Year: IBS, and the CEO of Heather's Tummy Care. Join her IBS Newsletter. Meet Heather on Facebook!
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Heather, this is exactly what I feel like----strangling them---- when I watch them eat all this high fat, greasy food and then they just smile and tell me that I all I need to do is take some medicine. I wish it were that easy! I took one bite of a rice salad at a grocery store Sunday (on an empty stomach, a big mistake, I know) and my stomach started cramping! My husband couldn't believe that one bite would do that to me.
Don't people know how hard it is for us IBS-er's (is that a word?) to refrain from eating something we want? It's hard enough not being able to enjoy some of these pleasures. Then people make it worse by reminding us of what we are missing.
I don't think that emotionally I'm dealing with this very well. Every social event now is depressing to me. I come home so upset because I spend the evening watching my friends enjoy the foods and drinks I used to. I am mourning the loss of my life-before-IBS. Should I have a funeral and bury the past?
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Boy, I can relate to this problem! I find it so difficult to eat at friends' houses--restaurants are sometimes easier. My diet issues are so complicated and people just don't get it. Plus, I hate to ask people to fix a meal based on my diet limitations! The latest issue seems to be the many friends I have who are on Atkins or other low-carb diets and they think I'm crazy to eat white rice, potatoes, etc. I have gotten a couple of people to understand by explaining to them that I am NOT dieting for weight loss-I'm doing this so I can feel healthy. But it sure is a struggle.
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I've tried to reply to you 3 times and keep stopping because the words aren't coming out right. Here's the gist: you with your friends is me with my family (MY family as in "back home", MY family not my OWN family meaning husband and kids). I know how you feel. I've tried to explain and it does little good. I've had to #1) limit time with them (seriously!!) because just being around them, my mother especially, was putting my colon into a full out charlie horse, but #2) learn to see the positive things when I AM with her and somehow let the eating comments roll of my back. It is a conscious effort and very hard! Hugs to you and hope you find that right balance for you! And I'm sure you'll have a lovely spread when you hostess. 
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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Hi
I've had the same problem before with friends and didn't want to tell them the symptoms that I had or would get from eating their food.
I finally just started to say that I had food allergies or a sensitivity and if they didn't want me to lose anymore weight that they would not try to force me to try to eat the food that would cause me to become even more ill. I know it's hard especially when you're being pressured by your friends!!! So start to bring some of your own food with you. If they are your friends they will understand and if not you eventually have to learn to tell them to back off. It's hard when you're stressed already but it will make a difference in the end.
For your house try to make some of Heather's recepies. I borrowed a copy from the public libaray before I purchased a copy for myself. My favourite is the apple sauce chocolate cake. It's a soluable fibre and it's very easy on the tummy. It's incredible and when your friends see you eating that they wont be questioning you anymore thinking that you have turned anorexic.
Feel free to e-mail me anytime because i've been through it. 
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I'm really sorry you had to go through that - it's very frustrating trying to explain to people. When I began telling some of my friends recently that I'd been in pain almost daily for 20 years they were stunned. I find most of them have been helpful once I explained the problem to them.
Maybe the luncheon at your house would be a good opportunity to educate them a bit. Give them a brief overview of what you CAN eat - there's actually quite a lot once you think about it - and the things you can't eat. Then explain a bit about the problems - pain, bloating etc. without getting into the nitty gritty that we all know so well
If you explain that you need to eat a certain way or you'll be in extreme discomfort, hopefully they will all be glad to assist you!! Also, if you show them all how to eat low fat - you'll be helping them!!
Keep us posted - and good luck!
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Leah
"Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul"
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A big problem I have being in my early twenties is drinking. I used to be able to drink, and now none of my friends can understand that I can't drink anymore. I can't even have a sip. I get the constant "why aren't you drinking?" "Can't you have just one?" They think it's going to change the very next day and my magical fairy godmother is going to poof and make me able to drink. Drives me nuts!
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- Jennifer
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Am so sorry you felt so bad. I so know what you mean tho,i had a friend sit me down,tell me she thought i had an eating problem,like yeah,i have iBS,i can't eat certain foods,she was meaning anorexia,because like many you loose some weight eating healthy.She had even spoken to my other friends about it,i was the last to know it seemed.Was so upset about it all,of course that then triggers an attack!What people cant change,they have to accept,and eventually am sure they will.Have a happy hostess day!
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Morven
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I'm so sorry but I can relate. I get gripped at all the time that no wonder I am so little I don't eat. But somedays, especially feeling bloated and C your body can't handle it, plus I usually get full after a few bites, I think this is a symptom of IBS as well. So I just eat here and there to keep myself stable. Some days are worse than others. But I know how you feel and I'm sorry. Think about this for your lunch menu, I have noticed a lot of the Asian dishes are IBS safe, so maybe go with that theme. Lots of cooked veggies with the Lo Mein noodles and the rice. I think you might be able to disguise an IBS safe meal under that theme. Good Luck, chin up.
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Screen Name: Nan275
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My absolute most difficult thing to give up has been hot buttered popcorn. I love it. No, I LOOOOOOOOVE it! My daughter made it the other night and just the smell of it almost brought me to tears. Sigh, yes THAT is what I miss most. I believe potato chips and onion dip are a close second. artist
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Have you tried the hulless popcorn? Then you can spray it with the butter spray, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter (0 fat) Spray.
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Hey BL! Sorry you're having such a tough time with your friends. Are these the same ones that took you out for your b-day?
Well, next week, I think you should make a kick-butt lunch and really show them you can eat good food. And then, don't tell them not only is it good, but it's good for you too until they've eaten! LOL I wonder if they'll even notice....
Maybe you can get them to change it to a potluck type of thing, and then you can always bring yourself something safe to eat? Of course, you could always bring your own food anyway even now. If that seems like you'll be rude, I say so what. They don't seem to have been all that polite to you, IMO. 
Good luck! Let us know how you make out.
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I had to laugh at the thought of a fairy godmother waving a magic wand and making it all disappear!!! I think that's what a lot of my family and friends think. We know you couldn't eat that last week, but what about this week? they will say to me. Aren't you better now? (Yes, the reason I'm better is that I'm watching what I eat!!!!) But they just don't understand this. I'm glad to know someone else can relate.
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For Mags
#16384 - 08/05/03 04:05 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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I like the idea of a "kick butt" lunch. Yes, these are the same friends that took me out for my birthday. They are very nice women (two of them are making slipcovers for my dining room chairs and not charging me a penny!), but when it comes to food, they are what I call "food pushers." (you know what I mean----they want everyone to eat what they eat.)
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RLU
#16385 - 08/05/03 04:07 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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I love Lo Mein noodles, but have never prepared them at home. How could I do this and make it IBS safe? Doesn't it need some type of oil?
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For Morven
#16387 - 08/05/03 04:10 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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Thanks for the reply. It's nice to know others understand. I can't believe your friends thought you had an eating disorder! Unfortunately, when others get us upset about our eating, then we get more upset and it does trigger another attack. (that's what I was afraid would happen today). Hopefully, soon my friends will understand. I'm waiting for the day.
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For Ashley
#16388 - 08/05/03 04:12 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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Yes, this group could use some re-educating when it comes to food. Most of them have been on Atkins lately and have eaten the most disgusting high fat, greasy foods. They won't touch a potato, rice, or a piece of bread though. That just cracks me up!!!
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For Robyn
#16389 - 08/05/03 04:14 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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I am going to get Heather's book tonight that has all the recipes in it. I will definitely try the chocolate applesauce cake. They will be shocked that I can eat that! Thanks for the suggestion.
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For Judith
#16390 - 08/05/03 04:17 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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This is exactly what cracks me up! Most of these friends have been on Atkins lately and won't eat a potato, rice or piece of bread for anything. But they will eat the most fattening, greasy foods. This cannot be good for their health.
Today I tried explaining how much pain I am in when I do eat the wrong foods, and one of them laughed and said, "You are so dramatic." That's when I thought I needed to leave, before I had it out with them. You think PMS is bad. A women with IBS and bipolar can get really nasty! It's not a pretty picture!
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For ecmmbm
#16391 - 08/05/03 04:25 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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Although I hate that that is the way it is with your family, I'm glad to know someone understands what I am going through. I knew today was going to be hard. I had accepted that I probably wouldn't be able to eat anything they prepared, so I just went with the attitude that I would visit with them and not concentrate on the food. But it was hard when everyone kept calling it to my attention. "You're not eating!!!" (like I had forgotten to fix myself a plate. Ha!) Boy, and it was my favorite---Mexican food, which I would die for. I made a joke that I could enjoy it by just smelling the good aromas, but I'm still surprised that they wouldn't lay off the comments and let me be. It's going to be a slow process of educating them, I know. Please pray for me that God will give me patience. This is not one of my strengths! I really need to get out of the house and socialize, and Tuesday mornings is something I've always looked forward to. I don't want to dread the occasion. I want to go with a good attitude. Next week should be better because it will be at my house---and that puts me in control of the menu.
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Also..
#16394 - 08/05/03 05:03 PM
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Maybe not next week, but sometime you may want to try the Apple Spice Walnut Bread from The First Year. I posted it here for Angela a long time ago if you need the recipe.
I made this for the office last Christmas and only told 2 people it was low fat & healthy. They didn't believe it! I also made it for my mom and my stepdad tried some & liked it. My mom usually has to smuggle low-fat, FF, etc. things to him, or he thinks they don't taste good. Weird, eh?
Anyway, if I could fool these guys, I figured you may be able to fool your friends!
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Re: RLU
#16405 - 08/05/03 06:03 PM
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Heather
Reged: 12/09/02
Posts: 7799
Loc: Seattle, WA
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Hi - check the garden veggie lo mein recipe in Eating for IBS. You'll use a small amount of oil for stir-frying, but the overall fat content of the recipe is very low, and the soluble fiber basis is high.
- H
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Heather is the Administrator of the IBS Message Boards. She is the author of Eating for IBS and The First Year: IBS, and the CEO of Heather's Tummy Care. Join her IBS Newsletter. Meet Heather on Facebook!
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I will pray for you on this. I understand. Don't give up - keep at it! Hugs!
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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I actually TRIED something like the Atkins diet before I knew about IBS triggers--I thought I would die from the pain. After reading Heather's book and this website, I realized why that happened. So I've tried telling my Atkinized friends this story and they STILL don't get it. Now I usually just tell people I'm on a "special diet, ordered by my doctor," or that I have severe food allergies.
One thing I've found: When people have not experienced chronic pain, food sensitivities, etc., they are just not very sympathetic. That's why it's so helpful to chat with people who've been there!!
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Re: Also..
#16409 - 08/05/03 07:18 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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Thanks! Can I substitute rice milk for the soy milk? Are they interchangeable in recipes? (If so, would it need to be plain rice milk or would the vanilla flavored work? I just bought some of that.)
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Hi Beaglelover,
I'm sorry your friends refuse to accept you have IBS and can't eat what they eat. It's very frustrating when friends disregard your feelings.
I am on Bentyl, and I have IBS C. I am able sometimes to eat trigger foods only if I take bentyl 2o minutes before eating. But it is not a cure all, and all your friends who use anti-spasmodics all the time are abusing their digestive systems. And they difinately sound like they are in denile about IBS.
I hope you are feeling better, and be strong and stick to what you know is best for you.
Cloudygirl 
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Hi Beaglelover,
I am sorry if I'm out of line, but why bother hanging out with people who are so ignorant and unsympathetic to your digestive disorder?
Maybe if you stopped going for a few weeks or months even, they may realize how insensitive they are being.
Good luck
Cloudygirl 
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Yup, you can use rice milk. And the vanilla would work also since you're making something sweet.
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Wow, I have never heard of this! Where can I find it? How on earth do they remove the hulls? This sounds like a great compromise, thank you! artist
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Re: RLU
#16432 - 08/06/03 06:27 AM
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RLU
Reged: 02/04/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Jackson, Mississippi
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I think Heather has some sharp IBS safe Asian style recipes in her book, I will look when I get home. But I think it would be a hoot to have an entire IBS safe meal and your friends none-the-wiser until after they enjoy the meal and the realize that is the way you have to eat. Maybe they will understand it better once they experience it. I get crap all the time about the bread and other carbs Heather recommends and I am athletic so people are always trying to push the protein down my throat and take away my carbs. I'm like please I would die if I didn't my colon would come to a screeching halt altogether. I'll browse through tonight and see, but I think your safest bet is to go Asian theme. Lots of cooked veggies too.
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Screen Name: Nan275
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I have thought about that, but it's not that easy. These are my neighbors. Our kids are all friends. We celebrate everyone's birthdays together. Even the husbands go on golfing outings together and then the couples get together for dinner. I am in a Bonco group with them, in addition to a neighborhood book club. Our lives are very intertwined, as you can see. After moving into this community new and not knowing anyone, I gladly welcomed their company and the social activities that they have invited me to.
Hopefully, I will be getting a new job soon and that will take up a large portion of my time.
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I can totally relate to the friend problem! I am relieved to know that I am not the only one! I had a huge issue last year when I lived in my sorority house. My so-called "best" friend at school was convinced I was anorexic because I lost so much weight and I read labels all the time and I watched everything I ate. We all know why did that, but she was sure I was anorexic. Instead of learning about IBS which she knew I had, she proceeded to talk to all of my sorority sisters asking them if they thought I was anorexic. Pretty soon the entire house was believing I was anorexic because of this "friend."
Then she decided that the best thing for me was to confront me and tell me everyone thought I was anorexic. When she confronted me she TOLD me I was anorexic. When I tried to explain everything to her she said I was in denial and that I used IBS as an excuse not to eat. She said another friend of ours had IBS and she could eat whatever she wanted. I told her that everyones IBS was different, and that this friend had just been diagnosed so her habits may change (and I question if this girl even has IBS).
Needless to say, I couldn't convince her and we got in a huge fight. I decided to put a stop to the rumors and I called a house meeting and I stood up in front of 32 girls and explained EVERYTHING! YIKES! I told them if they really were concerned about me to come and talk to me and I would GLADLY explain IBS to them to help them understand my condition.
Luckily, I was able to convince most of the people (the girls I consider my REAL friends). The OLD "best" friend and about 3 other girls and I will never resolve this issue, but what can you do? Obviously they were not true friends. It was a difficult realization to come to!
Just hang in there, it sounds like your friends really care about you and if they are true friends they'll accept your condition and want to learn more about it!
Kristen
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Kristen,
Good for you for standing up and speaking to all 32 girls about this! I may have to do that at my next luncheon. It is hard when people don't understand. Everyone I talk to insists I must have a problem with my gallbladder. When I tell them the doctor checked for that and it wasn't that, they still instist it is. Everyone thinks they're a doctor!!!! One thing this has taught me is to emphasize with others that have a medical problem and to not judge them.
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Hi
So sorry they said that too you. That so wasn't kind. Tell them to understand that you have serious digestive problems and tell them some safe foods you like so you can eat a good lunch. Make sure to only have IBS friendly foods so you don't get horrible cramps. It's just not worth it to get cramps because you ate food that isn't safe. Here's some food suggestions that you can serve rice cakes, rice crakers, fat free pitas, garlic pea dip, salsa, baked potato chips, pretzels, corn chips, soy cream cheese, tofu, soy sour cream, sourdough bread, french bread, fruit salad, saltines.
Best of luck.
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I've been reading through all these posts and I can't relate. My friends and family are so supportive. Before I go over to any of their homes they ask me what I can eat.
A year ago my family gave me a very hard time for losing a lot of weight. My brother called me up and chewed me out for having an eating disorder again(something I took control of 14-15 years ago). My brother and sister changed their attitudes once they understood IBS, but not right away. Now when I visit my sister she makes IBS safe meals and I really apperciate she did her own research to know what to feed me.
Sometimes it takes longer for people to understand. Sometimes I think people don't know how to handle situations, so they avoid dealing with the issues. Give your friends some time and hopefully you can educate them on your turf.
Good luck!
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Hi,
I sooooo understand what your going through as they say been there and have the T-shirt.
Years ago I had a doctor that blamed me said I must be anerexic and must be taking laxatives!
That sure shot down my spirit but thanks to my Mom saying she believed in me, helped me see how wrong he was and I fired Him! But alas friends, I just keep repeating and re-educating them or just ignoring what they say (depends on how I feel at the time).
I try to bring my own food to get-to-gethers. friends rave about Heather's Pumpkin bread and Tuscan Tomato Bread Salad
If I can't bring something, I eat safe food before going and have a pretzel stash in the car at all times.
A friend told me about a wine cooler recipe (think she made it up)
1 glass of water & splash of any wine (1 teaspoon) and ice if can handle.
I love the way it changes the flavor of the water but not enough wine in it to trigger my IBS, and I nibble on bread or pretzels along with the wine cooler.
Remember we here know what your going through and we're on your side.
paintlady
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I have a friend who claims to have IBS, yet when we go out, she has a few drinks, fried tortilla chips and artichoke and cheese dip, red meat and dairy desserts! She doesn't understand why I cannot eat what I want teven though I have IBS. She claims she can eat whatever and at times have problems. I told her that I am into preventing any problems so I am careful about what I eat. It can be so frustrating and yes I'd like to strangle her at times too!
leah
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Kristen, you are incredibly poised and brave. We are proud of you! You did exactly the right thing. I was finally able to adopt this strategy since getting Heather's book and finding this message board. I don't feel all alone and "weird" anymore, so just tell it like it is. I feel like I am continually educating everyone I know, and am no longer embarrassed by the situation. Go for it, beaglelover! Just tell the luncheon group the way it is, explain, explain, explain, and then serve safe food--maybe as a teaching experience to show them what you can eat so they'll know what they can prepare for you next time you come.
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