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I lost a grandparent without resolving issues that kept us from speaking for 20 years. In the end I tried a bit and confirmed that he was someone I could not find any way to be close to.

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This made me profoundly think about my own father's end. It will be the same scenario if I go for it.

Right now I hold the cards. The hand I've played in the past was always to go for it. I would always feel taken like a chump afterward. If I hold out, no doubt I'd mourn, but I don't think I'd feel like something had been ripped away from my heart. I'd hate him to have one last victory because I let my guard down.

I think I've made my own decision. I'm here for BF now. Maybe I can learn about my decision from his victory/mistake. Now, who is going to die first? Sorry, I must sound unkind. I'm bracing myself for "any day now" scenarios.

Thanks again for your on pointe advice, as always!

~nelly~

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