Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards

Did you try talking to your mum? How'd it go?. Although I love her dearly, my mum often gets like this and there is NO talking to her! Any comment, however kind, would be taken very badly as a personal insult and lead to lots of upset.

Basically, what your mum says and does isn't about you at all - it's about her - her feelings, her insecurities, her mindset, etc. If a stranger was rude or critical of you for no good reason, you might feel upset, but you'd generally assume the whole thing was about him/her - they were in a bad mood that day, had a difficult day, were generally a negative person, whatever, and you'd get over it. ie 'What's her problem?!'

With parents, it's more complicated. Your mother has (probably subconsciously) her hopes and fears, an ideal in her mind of what/who she (and you) is or wants to be; and, of course, so do you. If you're lucky, you'll grow up with a mother who has a slightly more open, positive and lighthearted mind. If not, you're mum will lean to the closed, negative and serious. Because your mum isn't a stranger (and you've grown up dealing with her), 'her' problem automatically becomes 'your' problem and you start instinctively behaving towards each other in a very familiar pattern: 'Why does she always do this?' and 'Why do I always let it get to me?' ring any bells???

We all do it with someone and often several people in our lives and it's not easy. There isn't an easy answer. But it does help me to:
1) remember that whatever anyone else ever says or does is (almost always) about them and NOT us. (That person is the centre of her universe, just as we are the centre of ours).
2) try to break the pattern. If you always react in a certain way, do something, anything, different. See what happens. You might not get the response you wanted, but you can't control that - what you can control is your own reactions and you just did that by behaving differently. Keep doing this until something changes and eventually... it will.

Phew, lecture over! I hope there is something helpful in there and not just too nutty or patronisingly idealist!
Shellsbells

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