For those keeping up with my therapy progress. I'm going twice a week now, and just about every session is really hard emotionally.
I'm sitting here feeling very sick, 12 hours after a particularly hard session. Its definitely related. I've decided i can't share all the specifics, even as anonymous as this is, its too much. But I feel okay to share that I had very traumatic experiences as a child based around ibs, which I went through very much alone. And I realized today that the feeling I have when I'm phobic about throwing up, its the same feeling of no control and of danger I had in those childhood experiences. It wasn't an easy revelation and I feel as though I'm suffering the after shock of it now. Each time I peel away some layer of this phobia I feel like I'm in terrible danger. Its got to be the hardest thing I've ever gone through.
My therapist also talks about how I don't know how to access any calming voice within myself. That no part of me is saying "its going to be okay" "you'll get through this" etc. That's true. Cassandra that's what your comforting-song is for with you I guess. It doesn't allow the panic to be the only voice. I don't know how to find that within myself. I just beat myself up for how pathetic I am that I have this phobia. This obviously doesn't help.
I feel I need some medication, my stomach hurts so much and I feel poised on the edge of a panic attack over it, I'm not sure whether to take hyosciamine or xanax! This is so much emotional as much as physical that maybe xanax would help my stomach too. Thanks for listening, sharing on this board with you all helps me so much.
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Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
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