Well, its been a while since I posted. For those of you who remember, I have been struggling with illness for several years and infertility and miscarriages before that. I don't feel the need to rehash all the old stuff but suffice it to say, the last three years or so have been hell for me.
Just over a month ago, I tried to off myself. Yes, it was a serious attempt, swallowed close to three hundred pills before I passes out. Was found several hours later by waking hubby, who called 911. I didn't regain conscious until three days later, in the ICU. I woke up alone and in the dark because my eyes were swollen shut from exposure keratitis. Needless to say, I was afraid. My chest and throat hurt like heck from being intubated.
The next two days or so are also a bit fuzzy, I was highly medicated. In total, I stayed in the ICU for 5 days than was moved to cardiac care for another 5 days. Apparently, if I had not tried to commit suicide, I would have been dead in a few days anyway because they discovered that I have two pulmonary embolisms (PE's) and three deep vein thrombosis (dvts). The PE are blood clots in the lungs and the dvts are blood clots in the calves or legs. They also discovered that I have a heart condition called prolonged QT. It has to do with the electrical system of the heart. It can be life threatening.
However, the dr's do not necessarily believe any of these other conditions are causing me all my issues. So, they are just bonus medical condition to add to my ever growing list. 
I did see a whole parade of different dr's, most of which I do not even remember. They are changing my RA dx to UCTD, which is undifferentiated connective tissue disease. This means that they believe I have an autoimmune disease of unknown origin, meaning they are not smart enough to figure it out! 
Oh, on top of all of this, I was wondering why my hubby was not visiting me very much. I think it was day 6 or 7, when he asked me, via a typed letter, where I would like my car and stuff delivered to because he wanted a separation. Hey, the wife is in the hospital for some serious crap, lets deliver her a dear john letter! 
He does decide out of the kindness of his heart to pick me up fro hospital. I agree to a two week partial patient psych program. Now, he says he wants to try and make the marriage work. Not sure how I feel about it all. I am not in any condition to be making life altering decisions, hell, I can't even decide what to wear in the morning right now!
He is going to his own shrink as I am. My plan is to wait until after the holidays and the make a decision. I am not strong enough mentally or physically to do it now.
So, its now been 4.5 weeks, I am just back to work and trying to figure my life out. I have to give myself shots twice a day in the stomach to keep new blood clots from forming and its likely that since I have so many blood clots now, that it was likely the cause of my 5 miscarriages. The heart thing will be monitored. A pace maker is the only real fix and at 37, not an option as far as I am concerned.
The one good thing is that I detoxed, oh so fun, NOT, from the many drugs I was on. I am currently on a host of new meds, mostly psych meds, high blood pressure meds and blood thinners.
I will try to catch up o posts tomorrow, its time for me to head home!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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