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Sorry it's been a couple of days guys, I was having problems logging on up at my parents. Problem fixed now!

So, let's see, what's new.... I went down for my things yesterday afternoon with my pops and a big van. J was at work, but he'd asked for his sister to be there, to make him 'feel more comfortable'. What did he think I was gonna do, burn is house down or something?!!

Silly little boy.

His sister was lovely, and SO embarrassed that he'd asked her to be there, absolutely mortified. She just sat on the sofa reading while me and dad sorted through everything, helping us when she could with the carrying, etc.

She was cool - I was finding it hard with some things, where yes they were mine, as in I'd bought them, but taking them seemed excessive - silly things like coasters & vases. But she said if they were mine I should take them, and not to be silly, he'd just have to be ok about it.

So I did, with most of it, I just left the breadbin, tea coffee & sugar jars, bedclothes, curtains and cushions. The house would've been stripped bare if I'd taken all that was mine!! I remember he once said that without all my things and ornaments and little touches everywhere, the house had always felt empty and cold, and now it felt like a home. Oops, it wasn't looking very home-like when I left...

We moved the vast bulk of it - it is now filling my parents dining room, on two layers - but I have to go back down for a few things, such as paperwork (didn't want to go through his stuff to find mine, since he was being such a baby), my Playstation2 (knowing my luck I'd break the tv trying to remove it!) and some books, because I ran out of boxes.

I texted him to let him know I'd done, and emailed him the details of what I had to go back for. I also tried to explain that I was trying SO hard to make this as easy as possible for both of us, and that if we made an effort to be adult about it I was sure in the future we could be on friendly terms. I didn't get much back in terms of sentiments, he just thanked me for being cool about it and trying to make it easy.

We'll arrange a date for me to go down soon, but it'll be next week at the earliest. He said 'I know this is hard, but it's better now than later', which was weird, 'cause I didn't actually find it very hard at the time. (I only lost it when his sister wanted to give me a hug when we were leaving - I just jumped in my car before I started sobbing!!)

Two things would make this easier for me - firstly to know how he's feeling, how he feels about going through all this, and secondly to know for ABSOLUTE sure there was no-one else involved - as yesterday one of his good friends implied he had met someone else, and this morning someone in our trade implied the same thing.

Now I won't say anything until I've asked him, but if it's true my heart will break all over again. We always swore we'd never do anything like that - that if we met someone else we'd end it there and then, before we cheated and hurt the other person. I will be so disappointed in him if it's true, 100 times more than I am already. For now I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, but let's just say based on prior behaviour patterns that's not easy..............

Anyway, I'll reserve judgement on that one. He transferred the money of mine that he had into my account, which is great, and I genuinely believed he would do, and he's promised to get me a copy of all the car finance paperwork, so I know what's what and can plan for taking it over come October.

I would LOVE to take it over before then, but I really do need to get my (very expensive!) debt sorted out first. (Since Jan I've already reduced it by 35%)

I have so much in my head - how do you deal with it girls? So many thoughts and memories and feelings just swirling round. Even though I feel ok I'm finding it so hard to concentrate on work, as my mind just keeps drifting off.

I genuinely don't know how I feel about him, what's happened, the old 'us', the loss, any of it. I feel like I can't have loved him if I'm dealing so well, but I'm sure i loved him completely!!

I actually sit and force myself to think back to all the sweet things he's said, all the plans we made for the future, and all the little things like cuddles and kisses and looks, and whilst it makes my heart ache, it doesn't feel like the end of the world.

The hardest part is that just a few days before it happened I'd had this great moment, feeling like everything was about to change, and feeling great that in the past 12 months my life has changed beyond belief, and that now I'd hit my 6 month probation period at work I could relax a bit, and focus more on me, Jamie and us going out together in the evenings and at weekends. My IBS was still there, but I knew how to manage it, and I was SO looking forward to everything being on the up!

So the hard bit is that I feel like if I'd managed to have that moment a few weeks earlier, this might not even be happening, we'd both be a lot happier, and we would have re-found that excitement and passion and closeness that had faded slightly through the IBS-imposed restrictions. It might even have meant we'd be together forever, like we planned - but even if it didn't, it would've ended with me knowing I gave it everything.

As it is, I feel like it was snatched away before I could even try to fight for it, I wasn't given the chance to make it better. And that, definitely, makes me cry.

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