Sending hugs and love your way. Our Mr. Pumpkin a big orange stray that appeared two years ago October also insists on going out despite our efforts to keep him in. We even got him his very own girl kitty (who does not go outside) but he moped so inside we finally relented. I hold my breath when he crosses the street.
Losing a cherished pet is never easy. I hope that soon fond memories will ease the heartbreak you now feel.