Well, I'm beginning to feel a little bit of light at the end of this tunnel of despair, starting today especially.
I have had an interesting day! At first, I got up, took K to school, cleaned the heck out of the house as I haven't had the strength to do in weeks, mowed the lawn and tidied the yard.
Then I went to an interview for a summer job and got it without even finishing my application. I had had a summer job lined up, but this one pays me $2.00 more per hour. The guy was interested in me to say the least.
I went off to see my pastor after this, and he gives me great guidance and is telling me how proud he is of how healthily I am managing this breakup...then he suggests counselling and guess what? It's $125 an hour, and the CHURCH is paying for it for me!! How wonderful is that??
THEN he asks me if I've applied at the Christian school my church is affiliated with, and I said, no, well sort of but no leads thus far...and he offered HIS name as a reference! I've only met the pastor twice in person so I'm just touched by his generosity.
I found out about two affordable housing co-ops in my community today that are cheaper in rent and much nicer (not to mention NEWER) than this...who knows if I can get into one, but still I'm feeling that it's not all destitute after all. Thanks be to God!
I also found out why I fell for my STBX, and why he fell for me in the first place. I know for certain that it's NOT the reason I'd be with him anymore, and that's a big part of why our relationship has failed. I needed him to rescue me; he needed to feel like a hero. He doesn't have that need to feel heroic for me anymore, as he's found another lost sheep to pick up.
I have found inner strength in this lonely relationship, and don't need him to rescue me from myself anymore. I like who I'm becoming. I like that I've stopped demoralizing myself and allowing everyone to make my choices for me. I love that I've become a good Christian like I always said I would be someday. So he can't fill the role of rescuing me from my awful life(read: choices), because God really did that, deep down.
I guess that means, I've found acceptance in a way. Counselling will help a lot in this but so far, I'm so pleased with how it's going.
If anything, this is giving me the strength to survive, and the will to beat this whole mess. I'm not feeling vindictive towards STBX(soon to be ex) but rather so at peace with the fact that God's taking care of one of His kids. I feel safe. It's going to be hard, it's going to be scary, but I KNOW I will be OK now. I know this church, this community, this everything surrounding me is here for a reason now.
Take care!
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Keep on keepin' on...
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feeling blessed....
