Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | You just wouldn't believe what's happened over the past few days... (VERY long post)

Where to start...

Well, about 3 weeks ago Jamie's mum and her husband came to visit after church, as they often do on a Sunday evening. However, they came with bad news - Jamie's sister (referred to as 'C' in this post) lives a few hours north of us (in Whitby, North Yorkshire) with her fiance Adrian, and they are due to get married 1st September this year. They have been together 8 years. Unfortunately we were told that night that he had found a lump in one of his testicles and had been to see his doctor - who, because of the other symptoms he had also been suffering, said it was 99% likely to be cancer. He was going for an MRI scan a few days later, on the Wednesday.

Well of course we all just fell apart - they have been having a LOT of bad luck, including becoming homeless after a house they were due to move into was taken away from them just hours before they were due to move in 'because they had a dog', apparently the owner had changed his mind. After this they had to live in a caravan. Up until a couple of months ago Adrian had also been unemployed for over 2 years, and had suffered with depression.

My gorgeous Jamie was absolutely wrecked, thinking of yet more trauma his little sister was going to have go to through, and devastated that the wedding now probably wouldn't happen - Adrian would only just have finished chemo, and would be too weak. They decided that even if they couldn't have the massive wedding planned, they would still get married on that day, with just family. The whole thing was utterly heartbreaking, and we all almost went into a form of mourning, because the doctor had given such a bleak diagnosis.

Well, on the Tuesday evening we get a call from Jamie's mum - his sister is sat in her car on a layby somewhere, crying and screaming because not only has Adrian cancelled her appointment with the doctor to find out about the whole cancer diagnosis and treatment thing, but had cancelled his MRI scan for the following day, because he was "too scared". He said he was so terrified of dying, and of leaving Claire, and of leaving her with the masses of their shared debt, which is all in her name. Of course it was horrible, and we barely slept that night.
He went to the doctor the next day, who said he could sedate him both for the MRI and for the 2 days beforehand to help him cope with the stress. The doctor also arranged counselling for him. The MRI was rearranged for a Thursday - yesterday in fact.

We actually saw them on Monday, as they were at Jamie's mums near here as it was his sister's birthday. As you can imagine it wasn't much of a celebration, because we all knew of what was happening, but he had asked us not to talk about it - particularly because his (even more devastated) parents were there, as well as his two grandads who hadn't been told because of their health. There was a horrendous moment at one point when his mum just started sobbing in front of all of us, obviously terrified at the thought of what her son was going to have to go through.

I imagine many people on here have been through exactly the same thing, when a friend or family member is going through cancer tests and diagnosis, and you'll know how horrific it is for everyone involved. Both myself and Jamie had been struggling with it for the time we'd known - it was hard to concentrate on anything, and I didn't post it on here because I felt until we got a proper diagnosis it was inappropriate. But if it hit us that hard, you can imagine how much harder it hit everyone else.

Well, Tuesday night this week Jamie was away with work in Wales all night, and I was home alone. About 10.30pm I get a phone call from him, that went like this:
"Hi. I've got something to tell you, and I don't quite know how to put it." (His voice was so serious, I was terrified, what could've happened?

) "Adrian's been lying."

WHAT???!!!

Yep, he's lied about the whole thing - he hasn't found a lump, he hasn't been to the doctors, all his other 'symptoms' were fictious, he was perfectly healthy. Well, at least physically...

I was nearly sick - after seeing people go through cancer treatment and in one case dying, I just can not understand how ANYONE could possibly do this. Jamie asked me to call his mum, because she was understandably hysterical. She had been up in Whitby with Adrian and C - Adrian had told C earlier in the day (but only because he had to - she, off her own bat, re-booked her doctors appt to find out about the whole cancer treatment process - and the doc took pity on her, told her Adrian hadn't been to the doctors for months

), and she told him to confess to Jamie's mum and her husband. He couldn't do it, and C had to tell them. Of course she was fuming, calling him all the names under the sun. At that point they were in Adrian's sisters house, who had offered them somewhere to stay for a while. Jamie's mum and her husband left, because (a) they were fuming, and (b) tension had started to develop between her and C, who was still sort of trying to defend Adrian at this point. They came home, even though it was a several hours drive, and it was while they were in the car that I spoke to her. She was just devastated that this moron had done this to her daughter (particularly as he has hurt her many times before).

Can you believe it??!!! He very obviously has deep psychological problems, and as I've said he has been depressed before. But still??!!

But it gets worse - not only has he not yet apologised, to anyone, but he doesn't even appear to think he's done anything wrong. He said it was all 'just getting too much for him', even though C does all the work. Also he refuses to talk to C about it, which is just so cruel - he's even laughed a couple of times about it. He's always been a feeble kind of guy, weak, but this is beyond the pale. It makes me sick to my stomach.

All the people who love C, wanted her to get away from him - but she said "I'm not going anywhere, we're still getting married". It's crazy, but we understood that after 8 years together, etc etc, and she was also still in shock.

Finally, yesterday afternoon (I spent the whole day/evening at Jamie's mums at her request, because she was in pieces) after several tearful, sobbing and hysterical calls (it was so awful to witness), she finally got hold of C's childhood friend who lives close to C, and this friend managed to persuade C to come away from Adrian for at least a few days and come stay with her.

Since C has been in her friends house she has also found out Adrian has lied about many other things - it looks like the house that was 'theirs' until the last moment never even existed. Also, Adrian spent months persuading C to let them buy a dog - eventually she caved in, they bought an expensive boxer (even though they are in debt and were living in rented accommodation in a holiday destination in which it was already nearly impossible to find rented homes), which of course was paid for out of C's savings. Once they had her (she's utterly adorable, but it was the worst time for them to buy her), unbeknownst to C, Adrian went around telling everyone it was C's idea and that she had spent months 'working on him', persuading him to get the dog.

All kinds of other stuff has come out too, other lies he's told, stories he's invented, horrible things he's said. C's at her friends house until at least the weekend, but at the moment hasn't decided what she's going to do. She went with Adrian to the doctors yesterday who advised counselling for his 'depression and mental issues', but can that be enough? How could she ever trust him again?

The whole situation is just terrible, and there are heaps of things I've not even mentioned - both because this is already way too long, but also so much as happened I've just forgot.

Could REALLY do with some words of advice or encouragement on this one. We're aren't overreacting are we - this is truly beyond belief right???

Nobody that loves C wants her to stay with him / go back to him, and would rather she was heartbroken for the next year, than spend the rest of her life married to someone who would keep breaking her heart every day of his life. He has also created other stories in the past, and it seems they have increased in 'dramatic-ness' (my brain's fried, you know what I mean) every time - so we're so worried about what he'd do next time, to 'top' this??!!

But if they do, somehow, stay together, how can any of us ever look at him again, or trust him to look after C??! Jamie was supposed to be giving her away at the wedding because their dad died years ago - he couldn't possibly give her away to him now. The wedding is supposed to be 12 weeks from yesterday! Even if they decide together, how can they sort this out enough in 12 weeks to go ahead and get married?!

Sorry, so many questions, but my mind's in a whirl. That's why I had to disappear last night - after so long with J's mum, and also only having just over an hours sleep the night before, I was just shattered. But hey, it was only the second time all year I have gone to bed at the same time as Jamie and not sat down here wasting time, so some good came of it I guess!

It's all just so surreal...

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