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I think you explained your feelings very well and if I'm understanding you correctly, I think what you're feeling is pretty common. People with serious or debilitating illnesses often seem to feel they have failed in some way, either by getting sick in the first place or by being unable to carry on as normal once they are sick. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I apologized for not taking better care of myself. Insane in retrospect, but I've since read that such an apology is not uncommon. I wasn't aware that you had breast cancer. I'm not sure how much you are comfortable talking about it, but I hope you're doing well now. I understand that need to apologize, take responsibility for being sick, and you're right - it is a strange reaction and I wonder why we do that?

I imagine the problem would be exacerbated by not having a diagnosis. Yep. This past week, just letting myself think that I might have fibro, I've felt a lot better, more at peace with myself. Again, this is something else I don't understand, except that it gives me some control back. Instead of saying, "I don't know," I might actually be able to give an answer when asked why I'm tired/sore/stiff, etc.

Beyond my wrong actions, of course, there were always my wrong thoughts and feelings. When I was undergoing treatment, there was still some reference in alternative treatment approaches to negative thoughts or repressed feelings causing cancer, but the main emphasis was on thinking and feeling correctly to get better. Reading about this approach caused me a fair amount of guilt and anguish even with a firm diagnosis; an array of great doctors; and a clear understanding of the disease process, the standard treatment, and the probable prognosis. With none of those, I imagine the suggestion that illness is a result of bad thinking and worse feeling would have even more power to induce guilt. I'm constantly told to think positively. I don't feel guilty when I have negative thoughts, but I feel disappointed and foolish when I'm being positive and upbeat and still feel bad. I believe placing so much importance on such things is mostly superstition and is mostly done so people around you don't feel bad/guilty.

I'm not sure why this happens for other people, but for me it was a control issue. If I had somehow done something to make myself sick, then I was still in control of my life. On the other hand, if my illness "just happened", then I wasn't at fault, but I also wasn't in control. Oh, control is definitely an issue for me too! Lol. I always want to find an answer/cause and solve the problem. I always want evidence, logical conclusions, etc, which is pretty obvious when you see some of my replies on the IBS Diet board.

Realizing the importance of the control issue was helpful in learning not to beat myself up. Another helpful realization was that if my experiences had happened to someone else, to a friend, I would never have thought she was a failure. And if she told me that's how she was thinking about herself, I'd tell her she was way off base. Sand, you're brilliant! Thank you for your answer and for reminding me that I need to be treating myself as I would a friend. I do need to relax when it comes to issues of control, expectations, and acceptance. I really appreciate having you on the boards and respect what you have to say. "With all the rubbish people keep sticking in my head, it's a wonder that there's room for my brain." (Spike, Lies My Parents Told Me)

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