Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards

I think you explained your feelings very well and if I'm understanding you correctly, I think what you're feeling is pretty common. People with serious or debilitating illnesses often seem to feel they have failed in some way, either by getting sick in the first place or by being unable to carry on as normal once they are sick. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I apologized for not taking better care of myself. Insane in retrospect, but I've since read that such an apology is not uncommon.

I imagine the problem would be exacerbated by not having a diagnosis. The list of "wrong" things I could feel badly about was finite: not enough exercise, too much fat in my diet, drinking alcohol. With no diagnosis, the list of "wrong" things you can feel badly about is endless and sometimes contradictory: too little exercise, too much; too much fat, not enough; too few vitamins, too many; working in a sick office; living in a sick home (asbestos in the basement? radon in the ground? mold?); microwaves; margarine; computer screens; power lines. And, of course, there's always that eternal classic: Why didn't I [fill in the blank] sooner? See a doctor, insist on a test, do more research, read that book? I spent a lot of time with that one.

Beyond my wrong actions, of course, there were always my wrong thoughts and feelings. When I was undergoing treatment, there was still some reference in alternative treatment approaches to negative thoughts or repressed feelings causing cancer, but the main emphasis was on thinking and feeling correctly to get better. Reading about this approach caused me a fair amount of guilt and anguish even with a firm diagnosis; an array of great doctors; and a clear understanding of the disease process, the standard treatment, and the probable prognosis. With none of those, I imagine the suggestion that illness is a result of bad thinking and worse feeling would have even more power to induce guilt.

I'm not sure why this happens for other people, but for me it was a control issue. If I had somehow done something to make myself sick, then I was still in control of my life. On the other hand, if my illness "just happened", then I wasn't at fault, but I also wasn't in control.

Realizing the importance of the control issue was helpful in learning not to beat myself up. Another helpful realization was that if my experiences had happened to someone else, to a friend, I would never have thought she was a failure. And if she told me that's how she was thinking about herself, I'd tell her she was way off base.

--------------------
[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]

Print Remind Me Notify Moderator