So, tomorrow I go back to see the perintologist (high risk obgyn) for a follow up to my surgery when I lost the twins. I imagine that they will probably have the autopsy results back on my little babies. I don't know if I should find out what sex they were. In a way I want to know and I'm afraid if I don't find out, I'll always wonder but just the thought of it is making me cry. I don't suspect that they will have found anything wrong with them as they know two of my other losses were healthy or chromosomally normal girls. The first one I lost wasn't tested because it was very early and they typically won't do that kind of testing on a first miscarriage. Just the thought of having to go sit in the office with all those pregnant women and knowing that I should be big as a house now and feeling my little ones moving around inside me has got me really upset. I guess I'm just having a really bad day today and I guess that still expected. I know what I should be thinking and I know how I should be dealing with the grief but sometimes I just get too tired to be positive and think my "acceptance" thoughts, sometimes I just want to scream "screw it all, I'm hurting, my babies are dead and I don't want to get over it. Life's not ok, I'm not ok and this REALLY sucks!" Wow, I guess I'm still a little angrier than I thought. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Sometimes, I play with Harley and feel that life is ok and things will be ok but than other times, I feel SO terrible, so sad and miserable and weak and lonely and angry at the world,at my body and the dr's. I try to stay "even" but I feel so up and down. I feel so overwhelmed with all the decisions and dr's appts and aches and pains.
I see my mom, how miserable she is and how bad she hurts after years of incurable Lymes disease, fibro and IBS along with a list of other things and I think to myself, is that what I'm going to be like in 10 years or 20 years? Is that what I have to look forward to?
Its all too much sometimes. It all seems too unfair sometimes. I try to be happy, I try to be a good person, I try to do the right things, see the right dr's, take care of myself. I get tired of trying so hard and never getting "rewarded" with feeling good or having a baby or being happy for more than a few hours at a time. Am I expecting too much out of life? Am I being selfish? Did I do something to deserve this misery.
Wow, I guess when I let it out, it all comes out, huh?    I don't really expect any of you to have the answers but a few hugs might be nice! I don't really feel like I can vent like this to anyone else, except for my shrink and of course when I'm lying on the couch, I can't form the right words to express my feelings sometimes. For some reason, when I get typing here, it just comes out. I don't know what I'd do without all of you! Thanks, once again, for listening to my emotions. Sometimes, just typing in a furry like this and letting it all and then going back hours or days later and reading it, helps me to understand myself and understand the things I still need to work on and deal with. Not always sure HOW to work on things or deal with things but I guess knowing is half the battle, right?
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Dreading dr's appt tomorrow
