I woke up this morning as forced myself out of bed and into the shower. I tried to forgo the xanax so I wouldn't be so drugged and tired at work. Once I got out of the shower, I made it to my dressing room and had a major meltdown. I cried and cried and cried. Will was in the basement and didn't know and I didn't want to upset him further. After I cried for a while, I tried to pull myslef together enough to dry my hair and find something to wear other than pj's. I realized it was just about exactly the same time one week ago I found out and saw my dead little babies inside of me. I took the xanax. luckily, my jeep knows the way to my office as I just kind of weeped all the way here. I've had a few meltdowns but I'm trying. I feel so very sad. I miss my babies so much and I want them back. The pain just seems so unberable right now. I have to go back to the dr's office tomorrow and just the thought of seeing all those pregnant women is more than I can take. Will has said he will go with me and I will ask the nurse to take me right back to a room so I don't have to sit and look at all the big belly's but I know its going to be hard. I would call and see if I can go in next week but I'm still bleeding a lot and having a lot of physical pain so I think I need them to take a look and be sure something isn't wrong. I sure hope my shrink can tell me something to help me get through the days to come. We have that trip to Tahoe scheduled for the 22nd and I know it'll probably be good to get away but it is with Wills family and I've had some problems with them over the last year or so. The couldn't understand the pain I was going through nor did they understand the fetility treatments and everything else. They are VERY religious and well, I'm not and we butt heads sometimes there. I know they mean well and love me but I feel that they expect me to put on a happy face and I'm just not sure I can do that. I know Will needs this trip and he also needs me to buck up a little and I will try but the added pressure isn't good right now. And, I have absolutely nothing to wear! My maternity stuff is too big and my pre maternity stuff is too small. I have two pairs od knit pants that I'm wearing to work but I don't have a signle other pair of pants that fit. Do you think people will stare if I wear my pj;s on the plane???? I hate to go out and spend money on some clothes as I just spent $400 on maternity stuff that I washed so its not returnable. My hubby offered me a pair of his jeans but he is a shorty and I need a 34 inseam. I hate the fact that I have to deal with such stupid stuff right now!
Anyways, I want you to all know that I have read every post to me and all my emails but I just don't have the heart to respond to everyone directly right now. You have all touched me so much and have given me the streagnth to go on. It had made a big difference knowing all of you care so much. Thank you
-------------------- Taking it one day at a time.....
Posts
Tuesday seems a little harder
I hate to go out and spend money on some clothes as I just spent $400 on maternity stuff that I washed so its not returnable. My hubby offered me a pair of his jeans but he is a shorty and I need a 34 inseam. I hate the fact that I have to deal with such stupid stuff right now!
