Its almost 5pm here, I'm supposed to stay until 6 but will probably leave a little early. I feel physically and mentally weak. I've managed to not have any total meltdowns while at the office. The hardest time seems to be at night. When I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, I think all kinds of horrible things. I do not consider myself sucidial right now so please don't be too alarmed but I actually found myself thinking of what I would write to everyone in a final note. I'm not sure if thats some kind of way for my mind to remind me of all the friends I have or just what but it really creeped me out. I listen to Will breath (ok, snore  ) next to me and I feel alone and angry that he isn't suffereing with me at that exact minute. I know that has got to sound awful, I do know WIll IS suffering very much but my mind is just not rational right now. I got up last night to get a glass of milk, like I used to do when I was pregnant and I woke Will up and he asked what I was doing and I told him my babies were thirsty. Its sometimes very hard to accept that they are gone. I had to walk over to the post office to mail some stuff for work today and the line was long. In front of me was a mom with her baby, I would think the baby was about 6-7 months old. She was a bit fussy and the mom kept yelling at her and being mean and I just wanted to punch that women and take her baby and tell her that she didn't deserve to have that child and I do! How am I supposed to answer people when they come into the office and just ask generally "how are you today" you know, just polite conversation kind of thing? I just smile weakly and say I'm getting through the day when I really want to scream at them my babies are dead and I'm at work, how would you be? I don't know if some of this anger and irrationability is from my hormones or grief, I imagine probably a funky combination of the two. I just hope that I can keep it reeled in and not totally do something bonkers. To bad I don't believe in Santa Claus anymore because all I would ask for is a baby. I remember as a little kid, getting up on christmas morning and seeing all the presents and my stocking overflowing with candy and other trinkets. I remember that pure, unabashed joy and happiness and wonder if I will ever know those feelings again.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Re: Thanks Girls
