I'm home today. The surgery itself went ok yesterday. I lost it as soon as I got to the hospital. I was crying so hysterically they had to sedate me right away. I just kept crying please don't take my babies. I kept asking if they were sure, maybe they were just sleeping. I kept begging them to tell me they were wrong and my babies were ok. I just couldn't accept the fact that I've now lost 5 babies and no one can tell me why. I was so hyterical, I even had the dr's and nurses crying. I was too upset for the drugs to work real well and I was awake when they rolled me into the surgery room. I was awake when they were trying to restrain my arms on the boards and they had to pry my hands of my pregnant belly. They were finally able to completely knock me out and I woke up a while later in this recovery area. I just remember waking up screaming where are my babies. I had horrific cramps because they were giving me pictocin to try and reduce the size of my uterus and my lower back hurt so bad. The nurse there wasn't very nice and wouldn't let me sit up or even give me a pillow for under my knees because it hurt so much to lay flat. They finally got the bleeding to slow down and let me go to phase two recovery.
They kept giving me more drugs to calm me down. They made me sit there with a pianful iv in my had because they had to give me more pictocin because I was bleeding and my uterus was still very large. At this point I was so drugged and exhausted, I was numb. They made me drink some juice and made me pee before I could leave. It was about 6pm before I got home. I was given lots of drugs at the hospital and sent home with vicodin for the pain and xanax. Will was so wonderful through it all. He just kept holding me and telling me to breath when I would hyerventalate. He was so good, I couldn't have done it without him. He made me eat an egg and a piece of toast when we got home and I took all the drugs and still couldn't sleep real well. I think I finally cried myself to sleep around 10 and woke up at 2 or so and couldn't get back to sleep.
Unfortunately WIll HAD to go do a service call this morning and I'm home alone for a while, which is very hard. The one friend who would come over is at the funeral home burying her fiance. I know you are all here for me but at this moment I feel so alone. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this. My belly did go down some but I don't think I'll be able to wear non maternity pants to my friends funeral tomorrow. In fact, just last week I went through my closet and put away all my regular clothes after spending over $400 on maternity clothes that I've already washed so I can't return. I miss my babies so much. I can't stop crying. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.
I have to face the fact that its very likely I won't be able to every have a child. At least with the previous miscarriages I still had hope that they woould figure out whats wrong with me and fix it. I begged the dr yesterday to please review my file and see if there was anything else he could think of to test for or come up with a reason why my babies keep dying. I can't get the image of my perfectly formed little babies I saw on the ultrasound out of my head. I could see there noses, there hands and feet, arms and legs, they looked perfect and I wanted them so badly. I know I did everything possible but I still can't help feeling like I killed them. Its got to be a problem with my body and I feel quilty for making htem, growing them for 3 months and letting them die. I just can't stop thinking about them and how much I already loved them and how when they died a piece of me died too. How will I ever get throught his. How am I supposed to go to work Monday, sit in my office alone and pretend everything is ok when I feel like I can't go on. I feel like when they took my babies out yesterday that they also took my soul. I know my heart is still here because it hurts so bad. Its so unfair. What did I do to deserve this. Why does everything have to be so hard for me. I thought I've endured everything that has happened to me fairly well but I just don';t see how I'm going to get through this.
I know there isn't really anything anyome of you can do but typing this makes me feel less alone right now. I know you all care and many of you are crying with me but I just wish I had someone here to hold me. I feel so alone and sad. I'm using Wills computer at home so I don't have anyones phone number or acess to my email. I just feel awful sitting alone in my house looking at the room the should be my babies room. Knowing that there will probably never be a baby in there. You would think with all the drugs I'm on, I would be numb but I can't even be given that small reprive right now. I love you all and wouldn't be able to go one without everyones love and support. I'm sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense or has more typos they you can deciphher but I just needed to get it out. Thank you for listening.
-------------------- Taking it one day at a time.....
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I'm hurting so much
