SIS stands for [word that might be "saline"] [word that begins with I] [word that begins with S]. What it means is that the doctor tries to put the speculum in, and you writhe in agony, so they decided to try a smaller one, and so the nurse leaves the room WITH THE DOOR OPEN while you are imprisoned in the stirrups in an unladylike position, and you're like "Um, HELLO, I'm not an exhibitionist" and the doctor belatedly pulls the crunchy paper towel stuff down, and so the nurse finally gets back, and the second speculum is horrible too, and so they end up finding one that isn't as bad except for the fact it's ICE COLD, like maybe for whatever reason they store their speculums in the refrigerator. (I hope I'm spelling "speculum" right, as often as I've just referred to it.) And THEN they finally stick something up into your cervix and say cheerfully, "You might feel a bit cramping", and you feel a LOT cramping, like your worst cramps EVER magnified a thousand-fold plus maybe like a kick from a horse or something for good measure, and you're sniffling and gasping, and there is this really suspicious long silence from the doctor and nurse, and then they say, "Oops! It didn't take! We have to do it again." And then THIS time it hurts so much that you're lying there crying and trying hard not to squeal too much like a dying pig, and meanwhile the nurse is all "You're doing great!" and you're like if this is doing great then how would I be feeling if I was doing awful???? But then at last they're done, and they give you three or four Kleenexes to mop up the approximately 6 ounces of lubricant they used, plus a sanitary pad that feels thicker than your average mattress "just in case". Just in case what? Just in case my body forcefully expels 50% of my body's water content? Because that's about how much that this pad could absorb.
Anyway ... more in a bit. I have to go hang up my laundry before it wrinkles.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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the mystery of SIS revealed
