I spoke to my psych FINALLY Fri. afternoon (she was back Tues and never called me back!) not too long before Shabbos. I am on the lamictal daily now and she gave me clonopin for my severe anxiety.
Honestly...I am just swinging from the tree tops and crawling on the floor...sometimes at the same time!
Psychiatrists don't exaplain multiopolar, to use the term Julie Fast uses in her books. I am trying to learn about it...but it is SO overwhelming. My therapist is out of town for a week. I just don't even know what I have exactly! And trying to learn and do research when yo feel this way is pretty tough...it doesn't stop me from trying...but I'm not having great success.
And hubby can't really hear too much more about it all the time. He loves me more than anything...but he's human and has a job and such. We decided to try 15 minutes a night on Julie's book.
But I am just sooooo high and low and agitated and over-productive to underproductive to crying to laughing to sometimes both....ahhhhhhh!
Those of you with bipolar, how do you live like with this? Do I NEED to go to a hospital? How do I know when it's that bad? Often the feelings pass. I say I need to go and then
I get ready to call--I talk to hubby, look into the hospital and within a half hour or so...the feelings go away. I'm guessing this is normal? BUT how do I know when to get help? Is there a number of suicidal thought or feelings that warrant going to the hospital per day? What exactly is a psych ward for? How bad do you have to feel to need to go? I feel REALLY bad most of the time. Do I wait for the meds to kick in or will being in a safe place be more helpful somehow?
I KNOW this is not what this forum is for. I am STILL (thank you for the links Kelly!) having a hard time joining an on-line bipolar support group. Part of me feels like I need to check in to get my bearings straight. That is is just too overwhelming and an unfair burden to hubby. Not ME but the bipolar itself. I just feel lost and I know I need help! The lamictal hasn't kicked in yet...and the clonopin helps but the psych said it would make me feel calm in 30 mins or so and it's not THAT GOOD It helps...but it's not sedating.
I just want to know who I am. I don't know who I will be five minutes from now. Like Jekyll and Hyde...only without the formula!
Please send any advice. This way of life is too hard...to painful...and it does seem to be getting worse over the past few months. I def. feel dealing with the abuse issues is triggering it and making worse...but this illness DOES stand on its own as well...
I'm not suicidal at the moment. But I've felt that way tonight. Yesterday. The day before. And then it passes. I am in such a rapid cycle right now--within hours I go from being suicidal to high as a kite and full of ideas and enthusiasm only to crash and burn. And the cycle just repeats itself. Anf the highs are NOT fun! Maniacal laughter with tears mixed in one! I felt so out of control tonight. Like I needed to wake hubby. (It's 12:00am here. He ended up coming home from camping because of a severe thunderstorm...I think it was a monsoon!!!) But I told myself G-d loves me and that got me through somehow...I sang to myself and made myself do dishes...but sometimes I can't win y'know! Sometimes it is too powerful...
I just feel like I am constantly struggling and fighting to survive and to stay afloat. Will I ever LIVE?
Thanks for your support....I love you *hugs*
P.S. I should have the Urine culture results tom...I'll let you know asap
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How do you know when it's time to check yourself in?
It helps...but it's not sedating.
