Dearest Nugget,
Please take heart and know that you took a big, big step in the right direction to open up, even on the message board, about your anger.....and your fear. I'm sorry I didn't respond - I've been in the process of moving, so I haven't been on the boards for a couple of days.
I agree with the others that counseling is the next step. I believe you need to let a professional know asap about your feelings. Sounds like you're teetering towards being out of control and I'd hate to have your situation escalate to the point that you harm yourself or someone else - the sooner you allow someone to listen to you and help you, the better, I believe. Your childhood history is significant - please mention that to any counselor you talk with - it will help point them in the right direction for you as far as counseling or meds are concerned.
I've had counseling over the years, both Christian and secular - and it's made a huge difference in my life. I'd like to give you an 800 # that has a "help" line 24/7 - and, they can put you in touch with a therapist in your area. I urge you to call them: 1-800-NEW-LIFE. These are contemporary Christian counselors and they're absolutely awesome! They can talk to you no matter what your belief system is. They have a website - newlife.com - and a talk radio show called "New Life Live." It might be comforting for you to check this out.
My heart broke for you when you mentioned your dad - and your longing for his attention. In a perfect world, we'd have perfect parents - but we don't. Sometimes our parents have hurts, too - but that doesn't excuse neglect or indifference. Some people just don't have what they need to give to their children - because their own needs weren't met - perhaps. There can be a lot of reasons. But I want you to know that there IS a perfect parent - God the Father loves you more than you can ever imagine and HE longs for YOU! He promises to be near to the brokenhearted and to bind up their wounds.... He says that if we call on Him, He will answer... We were created with a place in our hearts that only He can fill. Jesus calls God "Abba" - which is translated as "Daddy" - that's how real and how personal He is. He is just waiting for you to call on Him - and I'm saying this from personal experience: reaching out to Him, calling on the name of Christ, will bring you blessings you can't imagine.
Along these lines, there's a great book called "Into Abba's Arms" by Sandy Wilson. It would be a great book for you - and there are many others. But this isn't something you can "fix" yourself..... you need help and I believe you know that -- it's no accident that you had the courage to post your needs on this board! You've taken the most difficult step already - following through with the next step will be easier, I believe, and I urge you to take that step.
I have to go right now -- movers have shown up... there's so much more I'd like to say.... Please know that I'm praying for you - keep posting here!
In Christian love and concern,
Kaybee C
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I'm concerned for you......and have some thoughts.....
