I'm going to make this as brief as I can because I don't like talking about myself, but I've shared some pretty whacked out thoughts on here in recent months and think it's only right to clear the air on all that. You all have been nothing but kind and I'd like you to know where things stand.
In the midst of feeling so bad (IBS,physically hurting) you know I started to lose a lot of weight and then started to LIKE that I was losing a lot of weight and really didn't want to stop losing weight, and began eating less and less until there was cause for concern. I've been through some "therapy" in a sense but not officially therapy, with some amazing accountability partners I started going through a Bible study called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. For any christians here Beth Moore is an amazing writer and women's speaker, speaks right to the practical issues of life. Well this particular study is on identifying strongholds in your life, things that may come from your past or your wrong perceptions of yourself or others or God, and tackling those as you strive to replace them with the truth. I've had several people helping me along this road, and I just finished the study this weekend. In the end, as you'd expect, the whole ordeal had very little to do with weight or food. It had to do with me #1) being downright depressed starting last summer with the new baby, the move, ALL the changes in our life, the physical problems I was having, Luke's ongoing "issues", and the fact that I was just quite literally exhausted, #2) my inability to express those feelings to anyone in my life, or to even accept those feelings myself, because I believed they were bad or invalid, that I should not feel that way, #3) the resulting guilt just made me feel bad about myself all around, in every way, as a mother, as a wife, even down to thinking bad about my body I guess (doesn't help when IBS makes you bloated, bloated can come to equal "fat" in your mind though it's not the same at ALL). These guilty feelings came from the way I was raised and the way "bad" things were handled in my family. Any negative emotion I do feel, I tend to supress, and keep up a strong, happy front. It's like I'm afraid of my own feelings. You can only do that so long! And it's not at all the way God intended for us to deal with things.
So... all this was a huge blessing as I've learned a lot about myself. I feel strong now, I'm not "my old self" but I think I'm better off in the long run. I'm not trying to open up a conversation around all this as, like I said, I really don't like talking about myself and would much rather share on the kids or football season or discuss... basically ANYTHING else!  But I wanted to let you know that things are better.
Thanks, and praise the Lord who is faithful to keep His promises,
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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Personal update with praises
