Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | I'm back (sort of) and want to say thanks..

Hi everyone,

I am back though I have to admit I'm a bit worse for wear.

I really want to thank each and every one of you for all your support and concern.

I say I'm "kind of" back because things are still really tough for me and although I'm trying to get on with things everything is still a bit harder at the moment. I would love to reply to each and every one of your posts so that you know how much I care but I'm still feeling a bit worn out and tired. Please know I think of you all.

Physically I'm healthy and my body has recovered well. I am back on BCP for the next three weeks in prep for another fully stimulated IVF cycle. If things go to plan I will be looking at being in hospital at the end of September for another egg pick up operation. I would really like to get more eggs this time so that we have more embryos to freeze.

Emotionally I am up and down. I start to feel better and then something happens that makes me burst into tears and cry for my babies again. The other day I had a friend visiting who has two boys, one Harrions's age and a 4 month old baby. Harrison got really hysterical and kept screaming "where's my brother?" at me. I just didn't know what to say and I ended up on the ground hugging him and crying too. He's at an age now where he has noticed that all his friends have baby brothers or sisters and he keeps asking me why he doesn't. I wish I knew, I'm constantly asking myself the same thing.

Those babies were only with me a short time but I had anticipated them for two long years and I loved them with my whole heart and soul from the moment I knew of their existance. I wanted them so much. Right now they are the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind at night. I dream about it all every night and wake up sometimes forgetting and thinking they are still there. I have had a lot of support and also some counselling and I don't think I'm cracking up, just going through the same patterns of emotions that anyone in my situation would.

People don't know what to say to you sometimes and so what they do say sometimes hurts. I can't tell you how many times I have been told to look on the bright side, or it would have been worse if it had happened later on. Or there must have been something wrong with them. The best one I've heard so far is how it's probably for the best because twins would be really hard work.

What I've also found hard is that while at first people were expecting me to cry and feel sad now if I do my ability to cope is being questioned. It's like the time limit for how long I'm allowed to grieve has expired or something.

Whilst I know that life goes on and we are moving forward with our next lot of IVF I'm not ready to stop feeling sad. Sometimes I feel guilty because it's like if I do stop feeling sad then I'm letting my babies down. I just can't tell you how much I wanted them and how I wish things could have been different.

I'm sorry this is such a depressing post but it does feel good to get it all of my chest. Thank you all so much for listening.

Kerrie

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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

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