how much your support means to me. I made it to the office this morning but had a really hard time, I guess thats to be expected. I plan on working until about 1:30 or 2. Monday morning I have to go to physical therpay for my foot than I'll go have the blood re-drawn. I won't get the results until probably Tuesday afternoon. All the info I have found though says to prepare for the worse. To be honest, deep, deep in my heart, I felt something wasn't right. I didn't want to admit it, I thought I was just being paranoid-I should know by now that I need to listen to my body. I should have tested positive several days earlier. Although I was dizzy and my boobs hurt, A LOT, I didn't feel the same as I did last time. I hate to sound negative, but I think this one was doomed from the start. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with by any means.
My husband doesn't know how to deal with this anymore, he sat with me for a couple of hours on the couch last night but didn't really want to talk about it. I'm not sure he has accepted it yet. I just cried all night and now I'm just numb. I bought a couple of books to keep my mind occupied. I can't even bring myself to go to the miscariage support board. I'm not sure if I'm in denial, I don't think thats it, I've prepared and I'm expecting the worst. I just feel it might be best if I don't dwell on it. I'm just hoping to avoid a D&C but than again, I don't want this to drag on for weeks either. I guess I just have to wait until next week and see what the dr says. I've decided I'm going to ask him what he plans on doing now since this will be the third miscarriage. For those of you unfamiliar, the medical establishment doesn't really reconize or treat repeated miscarriages until you have had three! Pretty cruel, huh?
I know that a lot of the time the dr's never really find a reason. They did do an autospy on my last baby and it would have been a healthy little girl so it doesn't seem like Will or I are passing on some weird genetic thing. I just feel like I need to be more pro-active about this. If my current OBGYN, who is supposedely a fertility specialist doesn't seem interested in doing more, I will call an RE. I know from chatting with others that most RE will make you wait MONTHS before even trying while they run tests so thats hard for me to face but so is the thought of another miscarriage.
I don't know what I would do without all of you. I have three local girlfriends but they are all signle and very busy and I guess what you call "fare weather friends." It seems like when I need them most, they are no where to be found. I understand, no one likes to be around an upset person but isn't that what friends are for? I almost feel like all this is pushing Will and I farther apart. This has just been such a horrible year for me. I know Will loves me but he isn't good at dealing with problems and its certainly been one problem after another since February.
The waiting now is going to be the hardest part. I've read that the problem with the slow rising hcg levels can go on for weeks but that it never ends well. I just want it to be over with. I feel like I just keep reliving the past. I put a call into my shrink yesterday but I think she is out of town for the New Year. She is always good about getting me turned around so I can look forward. I need to learn to do that on my own, I am getting better at it, but this is just a little too much right now. We were supposed to go to a party tonight but there is no way I can go out an be social. I told Will he could go because its a client of his but I really hope he decides to stay home also, I really don't want to be alone but I don't want to ask him not to go. I feel as if I've already been too much of a burden on him lately.
Ok, sorry, I'm rambling now. But I want to be sure that each and everyone one of you realize how much your kind words, thoughts and prayers mean to me. Really, I'm not sure I would have the streagnth to perserve without all of you. Thanks you all so much. Forgive me for not replying to each individual post. Lots of love to all and hope everyone has a happy new year!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Re:I can not tell everyone....
