There is nothing wrong with feeling that way sometimes, as long as you don't act on it (but you said you won't so I trust you) I know ALL of us have probably been on the toilet during one extrememly bad attack and wishing it would all be over, in one way or another. I was so miserable that I wouldn't live a normal life when I started Heather's diet, and now I am probably 80% or so the way there! It will happen for you. It is just horrible that you go through this like EVERYDAY since you were ten. We should ALL be allowed to have our good days. Just concentrate on getting yopurself back home to Cananda, then you can concentrate more on going to doctors, resting, and whatever you need to get healthy. Just think how proud you will be and how much your family/friends will be amazed when you finally beat this thing! Good luck, Steph, and it always breaks my heart when I hear that you are doing poorly. I do not think I could EVER be as strong as you are in your situation.