Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Feel like I am losing it now (Long post)

Hi,
I don't really know if any of this is going to make sense, as I am in a really terrible state at the moment but I feel like by keeping all this stuff to myself, I am lying or I am going to explode so... okay, here goes:
I have been feeling really awful lately, from time to time. I feel like I am just always not feeling well. Even when I had declared myself 'IBS Stable', I was still feeling ill every day. And now it's not just the IBS, but it's always something. I have not felt like a normal person for one day that I can remember. Every day is a struggle, and I have been trying so hard to keep my head above water but the last few months have just been so hard.
I'm not talking suicidal, I don't want to kill myself or anything but.. and this is a really terrible thing to say.. sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. Sometimes, when my throat goes funny and feels like it is closing up and I can't swallow and it gets harder to breathe (which happens every day), I get so frustrated and think, "Why can't you either just close right up and put me out of my misery or go away??". Or when a car drives across the cross walk too close, I sometimes get all panicked when I think for like a split second that I wish it would just hit me.
Then I want to take it all back, and I feel awful for thinking these things. I know when I am being rational that it is so ridiculous, and melodramatic and selfish. So so so so many people have it SO MUCH harder than I do and are so much more ill, and then I just feel so guilty it makes me want to throw up.
I don't feel depressed like I have in the past, where nothing in particular is wrong but I just feel down.. it's JUST this 'always being sick' thing that I just can't handle. It used to pop into my mind hardly ever, just in the middle of a _really_ bad attack. And then most attacks, then all attacks but now it is happening even in between.
Every day my stomach is cramped up, most days I still have to book it to the loo, every day I am so incredibly nauseous, every day my throat goes all funny and sends me into a panic, now more often than not I am getting these pains so badly in my upper back that I can't even move. I've recently been told it may be a pinched nerve.. so alright, I'll go get it checked out but I am willing to bet it'll be nothing. I'll get told there is nothing wrong with me. I'll have yet another doctor or specialist or parent or boyfriend or friend look at me like I am a liar, or a drama queen or that I am just plain crazy because I have had every test in the book and it always comes back perfectly fine. The last doctor I saw about my throat wouldn't even look at my throat, as she basically said I was imagining things.

Tonight we went to a movie, after I spent the day cramped up and nauseous (still, a good day for me). Half way through, the pains in my back got so bad I was crying in the movie theatre but refused to leave. Then I got home an hour ago, and just lost it. I feel so helpless and sad and angry and guilty and I don't know what to do. I have been in near hysterics for an hour now, I made my boyfriend leave because I don't want him to see me like this and I don't dare tell him how sick and tired of my life I am.
I think sometimes I should see a counsellor or take new anti-depression drugs, but I really feel like I get upset when I am sick. And I am always sick. And if I fix one thing, another one follows so it's like there is no point in even trying anymore.
I am trying to just live between attacks, be excited about moving but the time between feeling well is so short now and I can't imagine my body getting better.
When I was like.. 10, I was really sick. And I was so upset all the time. I made a big deal one time with my friend, that if I wasn't feeling better by the time I was 22, I would kill myself. Like I said, I DO NOT want to kill myself and I don't even really want to die but now I am 22 and I am even sicker than I was when I was 10. That's 12 years of all this. I just don't feel like I have the energy or the sense of humour or the sanity to get through another 12, and then another 12.
I feel terrible and selfish for putting this on you guys, but I just feel all full of so much anger and upset that I don't want to show Adrian or anyone else but I don't want to hurt them, or upset them or make them worry.
I don't like feeling this way, and it really scares me.. but bouncing from one ache or pain or whatever to the next for the rest of my life scares me just a tiny bit more.

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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.

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