Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Re: Parents don't get FIBRO/chrionic illness...I feel invalidated...help guys!

Nobody can make you crazy like your family. You can choose your friends but you are stuck with your parents and siblings!!!

It's hard when you can't get the support you need. I remember when I was first diagnosed with depression 15 years ago my mom didn't want me to tell anyone, including my dad, because "it's inappropriate to air your personal problems in public." I love my parents dearly but they have significant limitations in terms of offering me unqualified understanding and support. I have learned to accept that and to have realistic expectation of them. I don't expect them to be what they cannot. And I get my support from my husband, from my friends, from my sisters, from a counselor.

And guess what? I live 9 hours from them and I like it that way. I think the space is good for me.

There are clever ways to repel unsolicited advice and comments:

Listen first
It's natural to be defensive if you feel that someone is judging you; but chances are you are not being criticized; rather, the other person is sharing what they feel to be valuable insight. Try to listen - you may just learn something valuable.

Disregard
If you know that there is no convincing the other person to change her mind, simply smile, nod, and make a non-committal response, such as, "Interesting!" Then change the subject and go about your own business...your way. Don't engage them in an argument.

Agree
You might find one part of the advice that you agree with. If you can, provide wholehearted agreement on that topic.

Steer clear of the topic
If your mom is pressuring you to try a certain diet, but you would never do that, then don't complain to her about food. If she brings up the topic, then distraction is definitely in order, such as, "Would you like a cup of coffee?"

Educate yourself
Knowledge is power; protect yourself and your sanity by reading up on food choices. Rely on the confidence that you are doing your best for yourself.

Educate the other person
If your "teacher" is imparting information that you know to be outdated or wrong, share what you've learned on the topic. You may be able to open the other person's mind. Refer to a study, book, or report that you have read. There must be info out there designed for family members of people with IBS. Print it and have them read it.

Quote a doctor
Many people accept a point of view if a professional has validated it. If your doctor agrees with your position, say, "My doctor said I can't eat that because it would make me ill."

Be vague
You can avoid confrontation with an elusive response. For example, say "I'm working on that." Then change the subject.

Memorize a standard response
Here's a comment that can be said in response to almost any piece of advice: "This may not be the right way for you, but it's the right way for me."

Be honest
Try being honest about your feelings. Pick a time free of distractions and choose your words carefully, such as, "I know how much you love me, and I know you think you're helping me when you give me advice about this, but I'm comfortable with my own approach, and I'd really appreciate if you'd understand that."
Find a mediator
If the situation is putting a strain on your relationship with the advice-giver, you may want to ask another person to step in for you.

Search out like-minded friends
Join a support group or on-line club with people who share your approach. Talking with others who are can give you the strength to face people who don't understand your viewpoints.

BOTTOM LINE IS, NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU CRAZY WITHOUT YOUR PARTICIPATION. DON'T BUY INTO THEIR ATTEMPTS, WHETHER CONSCIOUS OR NOT, TO UPSET YOU.

--------------------

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Print Remind Me Notify Moderator