Hey mandy,
I don't know if you read my post to fishnets, it explained things better than my initial post did. I was always told that 130 lbs is the ideal weight for my height by my doctors ( I am exactly 5'7 3/4"), and I was almost up to that right before I started the IBS diet, and I was extra bloated from my period when I weighed myself, so it was not entirely accurate. I don't beleive that I would look good at 130 lbs, but if I do gain and still look right, I am not against it. I must have lead weights hidden somewhere in my bones, because I do not look my weight. When people guess my weight they usually say 100 lbs. It's kinda fun to shock people, though. Some people don't even believe me when I tell them I am 120!
but, you did finally make something sink in- I mentioned to fishnets that I used to get obsessed with the # of my weight, rather than how I looked. I am sure I could easily get sucked into being obsessed with numbers of calories!
I guess the point I am trying to make is that I don't know how much my body needs to be healthy, and after years of going through all this stuff it doesn't seem to know either. If my body needs x amount to be healthy, I don't want to eat x + y. Does that seem to make sense? Or is this one of those things it's hard to understand unless you are in someone's head?
I was recently more focusing on the food pyramid (Heather's version) and making sure I got in the required servings of those food groups, rather than counting cals. I thyink the whole calorie thing may go back to my fight with my Mom, when she said to me that if she ate everything on the food pyramid in a day she would blow up like a cow. This somehow led to our Atkin's diet fight (refer to my post to fishnets for more details on that). I pointed out to her that a serving of grain is like on piece of bread, so eating two sandwiches and two pretzel snacks is all it takes to get in the grain requirements. Portions do matter! One serving of pretzels is not half the bag, it's like five single ones (depending on style of course).
aargh. I got in the conversation at work yesterday that my biggest fear is gaining weight and becoming overweight, as shallow as that sounds. I think it's because I used to (and still do to a certain extent) have such low self-esteem. the cards were really against me since I was little to have happy life and feel good about myself. Undiagnosed panic attacks and hereditary depression also played their part. (ever hear of a third grader contemplating suicide for no reason at all?) I even had to go to a special high school because I had such bad social anxiety. I feel I have outgrown it now, but the scars are still there. Literally and figuratively.
Also, weight wise, I have an older evil sister that I no longer talk to that has added to my probelm. (she is a year older and bent on making me miserable- I moved out of my parents house and out on my own last year at the age of nineteen cause she would physically attack me and my parents would do nothing about it. They told me that I had to go to counseling or move. I chose move. She had the same conditions too. Guess who still lives there?)
When we were children, everyone would always ooohhh about how skinny and tall she was (we were both skinny, but she was all bones and had her spurt first). Which of course made me feel like the fat toad. My late great grandmother , although she meant no harm, would say she could tell which one of us was which by grabbing our arms because I had "more meat on my bones". (she was blind).
Wow. I though I locked all of this away for good, but it just came spilling out.
I really apologize if this was Too Much Info, I just want to be understood, and this board is the only place and people that I have ever felt have actually listened to me with an open mind and without judgement.
Conclusion- I will go back to following the food pyramid. I will not keep myself from eating if my tummy growls. I will stop listening to my Mom when it comes to dietary advice. I will keep excercising regularly because it is improving my self esteem and energy level. I will not freak out if something jiggles. I will keep eating my snacks, cause they help with my blood sugar. I will also try to write shorter posts. 
Thank you so much mandy and fishnets and everyone on the board!
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-Sheri
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