I've never quite written about what it is I'm going through, tonight I'm feeling pretty awful and instead of writing in my journal as I normally would Ithought I'd post my crazyness online.
I've spent so many years pursuing the physical causes of my ibs, but I'm becoming increasingly convinced that my problem is much more linked to my psychological state. I know heather sort of cautions against this conclusion in her book, but whether they are cause or effect, I've got a lot of psycho-somatic issues that are not possible to ignore.
Well its currently 2 am, and I can't quite remember the last time I felt this miserable. Recently Mags wrote about her fears/anxiety relating to ibs on the hypnotherapy board. Well I have a similar problem, I guess, I'm just about phobic about throwing up. I know some of you out there have this as a symptom of your ibs, and so may not feel so much simpathy, yet its not part of my ibs, instead its part of the anxiety connected to it. I often feel very queasy after eating a meal, though it usually passes. But feeling this way so often has led to something of a phobia of losing control over my illness. (After getting through miserable ibs attacks, I often am so relieved that I didn't turn out to have a virus, or god forbid, food poisoning.)
This has been building for years and really surfaced about a year and a half ago when I began trainign as a practitioner in the feldenkrais method. As I became more in touch with my body, I began having panic attacks. While my peers in the training were so elated over all of the changes they found in their bodies due to the trainign, I found myself getting very depressed and scared about what I'd tapped into.
I'm currently on anti-anxiety meds and am working with a therapist. I've done some seriously difficult therapy work - I did emdr where you revisit traumatic moments of your past in a very intense way. I feel readier than before to face down this fear, especially this week when I made some knd of breakthrough in therapy. (That I'd rather get sick than ruin the most important relationship in my life!) Thats a whole other post for another day perhaps.
But now that I'm feeling some measure of courage to face my fears, I'm afraid I may have brought on symptoms of nausea more than usual. Actually, I'm even more afraid that I didn't bring this upon myself and that I'll be very sick soon. (I ate out tonight with friends at a new restaurant for me and ate too much.)
I know I have to face this head on at some point, but I don't know if I'm quite ready. Irrational fears are still very scary! If I'd felt this way even a month ago, I would have been terrified, shaking, and generally in a panic. Tonight instead I feel a sort of equal mix of dread, resolve to face this, and fear. Which I guess is a large improvement.
I'm 31 now, and feel like this is a part of me that never quite grew up.
I'm a little scared to post this, I don't want you all to think I'm nuts. This isn't stuff I tell anyone except my therapist. But I've been reading so many of your posts and have been very moved by how open some people are, I thought I'd try sharing what I'm going through.
- Dan
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Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
Edited by Heather (07/22/05 12:22 PM)
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my ibs and fear connection-long post!
