Your post made me cry because you so accurately described so many of the emotions I am also going through as well. I'm a senior in college and this past summer I was supposed to take chemistry as part of my plan to do a pre-medicine program. But after my junior year (during which I developed IBS) things were spiraling out of control. I started the summer course but just could not do it. I would start to get terrible bloating, cramping, and extreme pain. I would try to be doing a science experiment and have to be dealing with the feeling that my stomach was going to burst open! It made me so angry that the other students could just be there and be concentrating on their assignment but I was suffering inside. I always try to be upbeat and friendly, but putting on this facade every single day is completely draining when you feel so sick all the time. Everyday I just can't help but want to escape whatever situation I am in because I just want to go where I can be alone and not show anyone the pain I am feeling.
Its not like other people when they are sick they can just curl up in bed and wait it out until they feel better again. If I did that everytime I felt sick- every moment of my life would be spent in bed! I always feel like I am letting people down when I say I'm not up to going out to dinner, etc. Sometimes I go anyway, even though restaurants and going out in general are like my worst nightmare. Then I just end up feeling miserable while everyone else is having a good time. People will be like-- what's wrong. And I don't like to talk about it so its awkward because I'll just be like- oh my stomach hurts. But when they ask me that everyday and I say my stomach hurts... they are like, everyday?!? Yes. Everyday. I have told my closest friends, but still-- I encounter acquaintances everyday that question why I am not having the piece of cake offered to me at work, why I can't go out for pizza or coffee. Why I can't eat their grandma's famous mashed potatoes at their family picnic. And obviously, I'm not going to come out and say-- well because I have IBS... because most of them wouldn't even know what that means!
So since dropping that chemistry class... I am rethinking my desires to attend medical school. I just don't think I could handle such a high stress profession and the long term schooling that it requires if I'm going to be feeling like this forever with IBS! I feel like I am at the end of my rope-- I can't imagine if I actually have to live with this forever. I can barely take another day!
I feel like I am giving up my dreams and who I am because IBS has taken over everything. It takes priority over school, work, friends, family. I used to be extremely involved and ambitious and now, like you said, I just have no interest in anything anymore-- and seeing competitive people makes me mad, as you described. I just think- I used to be like that. But now I'm just like- wow how does anyone have the energy to be like that? I can barely make it through this simple task that I am performing at an extremely slow pace and with mediocre effort.
On top of that, I feel that I drove my boyfriend crazy with my constant crying and complaining about all the pain and confusion I was experiencing this year in the midst of my many trips to various doctors and lack of a diagnosis. Trying to manage that and 30 hours of intense classes a week, work, and studying-- was-- impossible! Needless to say, we broke up and I feel like I lost everything I had.
I find it hard to believe that one year ago I was a happy carefree young woman who had a great time with her boyfriend and friends and family...and now I'm miserable, depressed, and irritated all the time. I find it hard to go to my easy summer job where I sit at a computer all day. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of fun and what was supposed to be a really exciting part of life!
Obviously this is ridiculously long-- but I really appreciated these posts because it made me feel not so alone in this. These message boards are really helping me through this because I feel like you are the only ones who really understand.
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IBS-C, GERD, Lactose Intolerant, "Allergic" to Legumes (Soy!), Tree Nuts.
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Re: IBS has changed my attitude on things (a thoughtful and long post about my life)
