I can completely relate to everything you replied...some of the things I left out in my first post you brought up-
It does suck still having a "bad" relationship with food. Like you said, I use to hate food because of the weight I thought it would make me gain, but now that I have conquered that (mostly at least!) I definitely fear food because of the discomfort or IBS attack it could cause. Having IBS sometimes scares me because I feel like it takes me back into the general mindset of "food is bad". It definitely brings up past feelings I had when I had my ED. And like you, my family always accuses me of not eating enough, and they are only now beginning to grasp that I eat, but I can't eat the crappy/trigger foods they eat. I think we may have to endure that label our whole lives, but I try to tell myself it is just because they care (even though they don't always reference the ED in the nicest way). My boyfriend ordered the new "cheesy bites" stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut last night...what torture. Just like you said, I would gladly eat a piece...If I knew I wouldn't feel awful afterwards. Now that I'm finally healthy enough in my mind to let me eat it, my physical body/gut says I can't. After having an ED, I can tell you there is nothing worse than feeling like food controls you. And even now I still feel that way a lot. I use to plan what I would eat, how much I would eat, and when I would exercise everyday when I had the ED. After treatment, I was so looking forward to being able to just "wing" it- eat out when I wanted, eat whatever I wanted with friends, be social again, but IBS has prevented that. Maybe I'm too afraid sometimes. Fear of D or C or just an attack in general rules my life sometimes, and thus controlling my food goes along with it. When you feel bad for so long, it's hard to be optimistic about what the next day or next food for that matter will bring.
I'd say I had disordered eating for 6 years, from about age 14 to 20, I know that is nothing like you're 20 years, but I did abuse laxatives which is pretty awful I know. I can honestly say that before getting pregnant I did get over the bloating and gas and felt perfect. It took time, but it did get better and I began feeling normal. I really don't know about you, but there are days when I can eat anything I want and feel fine. I never do that because I'm now too afraid of the consequences, but I didn't know I had IBS for a few months. I really think one's mindset has a lot to do with how we feel. I know that when I'm stressed, tired, and in a bad mood I expect that I will feel sick and then I do. If I try to occupy myself, stay optimistic, and not worry I feel 100 times better. I can worry myself into a frenzy/panic that makes me sick just because I'm so stressed and worried about getting an attack. I'm not on AD's, but my doctors says it might be good for me after I'm done nursing my son. I took EffexorXR when I was recovering from my ED, but it made me really lightheaded/dizzy and I also tried Zoloft during recovery, but my hair started falling out and I attributed such to the Zoloft. Who knows if it was the ED or the Zoloft, but I'm super paranoid about side effects. I really think taking an AD would make me more nervous/panicky because I fear pain/discomfort/etc and therefore any side effects.
I really think you need to change how you are thinking about things (and I'm really not saying this in a mean way, or that I think you are some dark, depressed person, because I really dont!!) I just mean that you say you hope the pain ends but you "doubt" it will. That's no way to think about things! I don't think you reprogrammed your nerves to feel pain, I think you reprogrammed your mind to expect it. Does that make sense? Again though, I don't think it is all in your head, so I'm NOT trying to imply that. I know that one twinge of pain can send me into a downward spiral if I'm feeling less than perky that day. That twinge then turns into a stomach ache...etc and so forth. Do you ever find that? But if I'm happy and busy the next day and I get that same little twinge, I'll totally dismiss it and go on feeling fine. I don't know if that makes sense. Maybe our bodies will never digest things properly, but if we learn what we can and can't eat and try to stay positive, I think things will get better.
I know I've felt great a lot since my ED...and now I'm trying more and more to feel great since being diagnosed with IBS.
What are you doing for your IBS? SF supplement? Peppermint caps? Peppermint tea? Probiotics? What food do you eat?
Right now I've worked up to 2 tsp of acacia twice a day and I take about 2 peppermint caps a day. I can't believe how much the peppermint caps help me with any gas/stomach cramps. I just started using them and I love them. I know everyone is different though. I drink a cup or two of tea a day. If I'm feeling C, hot tea seems to help "loosen" me up a bit. I'm also taking primal defense right now. Did I read a post that said you tried it? I SLOWLY worked up to 3 a day. I'm not sure how much they are helping yet since I just got to 3, so we'll see. I think I get gassy/bloated when I increase my dose, but then I get better.
As for food, I don't eat a very varied diet, and I haven't eaten out in a LONG time. I'm just too paranoid about getting sick (IBS symptoms). I never cheat from heather's diet, but honestly that's not too difficult since I've restricted a lot more in the past. I wish I could eat more, but at leat I eat more than I use to when I had the ED I guess. I pretty much start the day w/ a little bread or a soft pretzel. I eat a keebler graham cracker to two for a snack. A potato or two baked for lunch. Then I have chicken and rice for dinner. Sometimes for dessert I have a piece of licorice or a slice of heather's cakes. That's about it though. I don't vary much from those things because I'm too afraid too. The pain isn't worth the experimentation in my opinion. Some days I cry though because I wish I could eat more. I know I just said it isn't hard not to cheat, because it isn't hard, I know how to keep myself from eating things, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard to except that I still can't eat like a "normal" person. I want to be normal so bad, but I guess I'm not going to. I just need to take care of myself mentally and physically from now on. And if that means I live on bread, potatoes, and chicken, so be it. It makes me sad, but keeps me from feeling pain...
Again, here I go babbling. I'm sorry!
I can't tell you 100% that the pain will get better, but for me it has before and I can tell now I'm also beginning to stabilize. I still have bad days, but I know that there are times when stress is the culprit. It's not in my head, but the stress or worries disrupt my normal body functions.
I really wish you the best...maybe we could talk more. I'd love to hear what you are doing and eating these days.
I pray for strength and healing for us too!!
Amber 
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Re: About the eating disorder
