I'm not sure how to explain this best or if I even should try. But I feel that it would help me alot to just get it off my chest. I hope you don't mind.
You see....I've always been known as the shy, quiet, "never does anything wrong" type. For some reason I feel like I have so much anger built up in me and I don't know where it comes from. When I "explode" I do it when no one is around and I throw things or pound my fists into a pillow or on the bed matress, etc. I never throw anything that will break or destroy anything because I don't want anyone to find out. If anyone were to ever see me "explode" they'd be shocked I think. For example....this morning I asked my husband to do something and he didn't do it right away. I got frustrated trying to do it myself as he was outside doing something else before we went to work. So when he was outside I took my sweatshirt in my hand and beat it on our bed, I knocked over a little chair and inside I was screaming. He eventually helped with what I asked him to, and I knew he would. I don't know where this anger comes from over such petty things. But, it scares me. I even slapped our dogs this morning when they jumped up on me. It wasn't hard enough to hurt them, but what if it ever is? That scares me. My husband has seen my temper to a certain extent, but he has never really seen me "explode". How can I control it? How can I find out where it comes from? I think a lot of it is because I'm angry at my dad (even at my age of 35). I love my dad and we have always gotten along and he has been a good dad. Never was he abusive or anything like that. I just feel his work was and still is more important than anything else. He missed out on so much when my brother and I were kids and he continues to miss out on so much as we are adults. So sometime, I realize that if my husband or anyone does anything that reminds me of why I am angry with my dad then my anger builds up and I eventually "explode". Does that make sense?
When I was a kid, I would even hurt myself (minor things) so that I would get attention or get to go to the doctor. I have never ever told anyone that. Not that I was lacking in attention. I don't know what the problem was. I don't do that any more and haven't for many many years.
I think this has a lot to do with my tummy problems.
Thanks for listening.
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Please read....I'm scared and I didn't get a response in "The Living Room"
