Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards

Heh, the honest answer is I don't cope so much, really! I'm just not a big talker about it - I've found the my depression scares people in real life (and makes them angry because they're afraid), and my anxiety makes people go "harden up!". I tend to be the person people go to when they're having depression-type problems also, so it kinda feels rude to start in about my problems.

My anxiety manifests itself most noticeably in the form of major heart-racing, going-to-puke-or-pass out panic attacks. The depression's harder to describe since it's there all the time, just in varying levels and moods. Some days I don't want to live.. fortunately I'm thinking so fuzzy on those days I can't work out how to not live! Other days I can be just fine all day, or anything in between. A couple of months ago I had the best two weeks I can remember ever, so that's encouraged me a lot and makes being down seem more manageable.

Basically I think it stems from my "annus horribilus", to borrow a phrase from the Queen.. 1997. A couple of awful things happened that year which I don't really talk about.. but here they are.
That year I moved cities with my parents. The first person I met in Wellington after moving wanted to sell me pot when I was out for a walk exploring my new neighbourhood. Being a rebellious child I made friends with this guy, who a few weeks later killed another girl on the sports field of the school I'd just started. So my parents told the police I'd been talking to this guy and I had to go testify at his trial, and it was all pretty awful. I went a bit nuts after that and did some stupid things, like hitchhiking... and inevitably I was raped while hitchhiking. That was also the year I REALLY got into drugs, I moved from pot to acid and a couple of years later to meth and ecstasy (which, incidentally, I blame for my IBS. They should include that in drug education! Don't do drugs, you'll never have another good poo for the rest of your life!)
So, once I figured out in 2001 exactly how messed up I was, when the panic attacks started, I gave up all drugs and alcohol, but I'm still dealing with the effects. I think I probably always will be. So. That's my story. I kind of feel bad about unloading on people because so much of it is my own stupid fault.

I've never been on any meds for either anxiety or depression. Because I've moved cities, been a student etc I've kept shifting doctors. Every time I go to a doctor's office and burst into tears they run a battery of tests and say they might prescribe something, but it's another appointment and another $60, so it's never ended up happening. I'm kinda scared of ADs too.. scared they might make me nauseous or feel weird. But so many people here have had such success with them that they're looking more and more like a viable option.

It has been a bit better the last couple of months. As I've been stabilising with the IBS and not feeling as nauseous, the anxiety has subsided a bit. My main panic trigger is nausea, because of the emetophobia... but low-level anxiety quickly whips me up into fever pitch because I'm so afraid of it.

My biggest factor in reducing it, I guess, has been making myself get out and do things. Terrifying things. Like driving on the motorway and going to work! When there's no other option but to go and stick it out (because I'm well out of sick leave and a day off costs me well over $100 due to that), it gets easier. If I can stick out being at work another half hour, usually I can do it for another hour, then til lunch, then til hometime etc.

As for the depression, I've been trying "fake it til you make it" at work, and I've been going out to stand-up comedy once a week, which is GREAT. Laughing is SO good for you. I've made one of my friends keep telling me people want to hear from me, which makes it easier for me to spend time with friends (I tend to not call people because I can't imagine why they'd want to hear from me).

So that stuff all helps. I think that one important thing to do, is to work out what thoughts are floating around your head on your bad days and work out how to change them. You may need the help of hubby and friends for this!

I so hope your appointment goes well, Ruchie. You're amazing, and I hope some of my ramblings help you.

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*Emma*

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