I've been visiting here since i discovered the site roughly about 18 months ago, whilst searching for help with ibs. I have drawn lots of optimism from the wonderful people here, and cried when read about others suffering. Howerever its only now i feel i need to post. I dont really know where to begin, so i apologise if my post is a little disjointed. Well here goes:
I graduated from university in 2002 at the age of 20, not knowing what i wanted to do career wise. I took a year off to look for the perfect job that didn't arise, and spent much of that time either infront of the computer playing games or the television. This did disturb my parents and my girlfriend all of whom said that the longer i left it the harder it would be. But as usual i knew best :/ I gradually became more and more lethargic. Then the ibs hit:
The first time i had any indication of things being wrong in the gut area, i was on a camping holiday with my girlfriend (whom i'd being seeing for about 3 years)about 18 months ago, one night after eating out a pub, i had really bad abdominal pains and had diarrhea 3 or 4 times that night. I put it down to some dodgy food, and got on with the holiday. Then a few days later the same thing happened. Upon returning home (i still live with my parents) things settled back to normal for a while, but soon i was needing to go to the bathroom after every meal, and depending on what i'd eaten the stools would either be normal or very loose. Things continually got worse, until i eventually admitted i had a problem, and went to the doctors. He was very understanding, and advised that i try cutting out the typical things that people are intolerant to; ie dairy and wheat. So i did this, but things didnt really improve, so i went back and he suggested anti-spasmodic tablets and refered me to a specialist. The tablets i tried along with keeping track of the food i was eating and how i felt. Still no luck. I was starting to loose weight fast, which was of great concern to the doctor,me, my family and my girlfriend. So i started tinkering with my diet, taking tips from this site and other sources. Things weren't really getting any better, and i had lost most of my appetite, so found it hard to eat enough to start putting on weight. It got to the stage where i had little or no energy and couldn't go out to the pub or the cinema or stuff like that with my girlfriend. Sometimes i did manage to motivate myself to make the effort to be with her, but usually felt bad enough to come home early. Because of feeling this way, i couldnt be there for her and missed her graduation ball. This caused a large argument, and we split before that night. I got into a really big stress and had a bad diarrhea attack, and ended up calling her at about 3am to tell her how much i loved her and how much i was sorry. We agreed to try and work things out.
Meanwhile i had been to hosptial numerous times to see the specialist, who performed both an endoscopy and a barium scan. Both of which returned normal results. Hence i was labeled with IBS. I slowly started to recover, introducting more foods, and putting weight on. I visited a Kinesiologist (who was recommeded by one of my friends parents) who did muscle testing to find what my body was intolerent to. The two main things were wheat and the belladonna family (tomatoes potatoes tobacco etc), hence she recommended i moniter the intake of those substances. Then she tried to help improve my bodys resistance to these things via acupressure, and she said that lines of my 'chi' were blocked and not flowing correctly. My health gradually improved and the previously strained relationship with my girlfriend (because i couldn't do the things we wanted to do together, like going on holiday, to the pub etc) slowly started to improve too. I attended a job centre, and was sent on a training course in the middle of birmingham, to which i had to travel by train. Anybody that has any knowledge of the british rail service knows what a pain that can be! However i was there for about 5 months, learning new skills and meeting new people, slowly regaining the confidence i had lost during past year or so. Things were looking good for once!!
I should be so lucky 
My girlfriend has always been the traveling type, and has always expressed her wish to travel the world, which before i became ill didnt really interest me. Anyway, i was on this course, coping really well, controlling my ibs, only really suffering when i neglected to eat enough or the right things. My girlfriend (i might aswell mention her name, Louise) really wanted to go away on holiday, and as some of our friends were going too, she went with them. I couldn't go because of commitments to the course and i wasnt really sure i could cope. So i continued as normal for the week she was away, talking to her briefly on the phone at night. We had been good friends before things progressed to a more serious level, and it was hard being apart. I was coping well i thought, until the Thursday, with her coming back either the friday or saturday. I remember it like it was yesterday...
It was September last year,I was standing at the platform and the train was just pulling in, when i felt suddenly like things were too much for me. I could feel my heart pounding, my breathing became shallow, a knot formed in my belly and i felt like i was going to feint. I also had a certain dreamlike feeling of disaccosiation and of impending doom and dread, i dunno its hard to describe. So i had the friday off, and felt alot better. Then when monday came around i started to feel those same feelings, but not wanting to give up so easily, i made myself take the train journey. Once i was there and got my mind occupied those feelings dissapeared. The following day, i had the same feelings before the journey, but this time i couldn't shake it once i was there. I got so bad i had to go home. This continued for a few days, until i was a nervous wreck. There was no way i could go in again. So i had to withdraw from that course, and lost the money i was getting from that training.
My next cause of action was to visit the doctor again. He was very sympathetic and advised me to try a natural remedy like st johns wort, which i did, but to no avail. I then tried hypnotism. Initally i was really hopeful, because she said she had a really good track record with ibs sufferers, and i must admit i felt very good for a few hours after the treatment sessions. I did everything i was asked to, practiced the techniques she taught me, listened to the cds she gave me. But it really didnt seem like the thing for me. I completed the course with the hypnotheripist, but felt no great benefit, apart from the deep breathing technique we used. I would still try and go out with Louise and my friends, but would get really nervous and have to go to the toilet before going out, and still feeling bad when i was there, being not very good company obviously. So sometimes i took the easy option and said i didnt feel well enough to go out. Again me and Louise started to drift apart. She felt unprotected and unsupported, and guilty for feeling these things. She saw our friends and how happy they are, with some planning to get married this year, and other planning on moving and setting up their own buisnesses. And here she was with me,who sometimes didnt have that optimism and no great desire to plan for the future. I was pretty depressive and that got her down too. I went to the doctor again, and discussed these anxiety problems that i now seemed to be suffering from we agreed to try a beta blocker. I was really scared. There seemed no logic behind these new panic attacks. Sometimes just going to my nans, or visting Louise at her house (she lives with her parents too) triggered the panic. Things that i had been doing for years suddenly became increasingly difficult to do. Things came to a head in early december with Louise and she couldnt cope with our relationship anymore. And because of the nature of my illness(es) i couldnt say to her 'just give me a few weeks and i'll be fine'. So we split for a few weeks which i foudn incredibly hard, because we'd been together for over 5 years now since we both 17/18. This was the only serious relationship we'd both been in. However i just couldn't let go. She'd become an integral part of me coping with my problems. Sometimes i think with out her i might have been in a much worse situation. I love her more life itself, i would gladly die for her, but i couldn't do simple things like plan for the future or go on holidays with her. Everyday i would call her and we would talk, sometimes for hours about things, never really reaching any conclusions. But slowly we drifted back together, either be it out of habit or because she felt guilty at leaving me while i was in this state, or because she did feel we could make it work. We fell into the old comfortable routine of going to each others houses and not really going out socially. A holiday that had been arranged to America for 3 weeks was approaching, which had been booked the previous february when i was still grappling with my ibs and couldnt commit to, either physically or financially. We made things work prior to that, neither of us wanting to leave our relationship on a bad note. So she goes with 3 of our friends, and i miss her terribly. She phones me once a week and says how much she misses me. Because valentines day was during this holiday i sent her a card(she had given me one the night she left). When she gets back the first few nights are fantastic, we just cant keep our hands to ourselves. Its like we only just started going out again. Things cooled off a little, but for the next 2 weeks things were going well i thought, we saw each other most nights and was enjoying each other company. Then things got ugly again. It was all triggered because it was comming up to that time of the month for louise ( and she recently always gets very emotional at this time) and she attended a works party, to which i wasnt invited (or she didnt invite me because she knew i'd probably say no, as usual). Anyway, during this works party i learn that somebody asks her to dance, which she accepts. Now she has mentioned this person before, as she had got talking to him during a previous work meal, and found they had a few things in common. She tells me that this dancing caused emotions to stir inside of her that she hasnt felt in a long time (we had never danced because before my illness i was a quite a shy, self concious, unwilling to try new things type of person). She asures me nothing else happened and i believe her. But it demonstated again, that she really misses those things that i cant give her now, and also that she maybe happy with somebody else. She tells me this is the first time shes been attracted to someone else whilst we've been together, and honestly i cant blame her. Our relationship has been bad, with me only able to do limited things and make possibly empty promises that i will do these things 'when im better'. She's heard this all before. But ive never been well enough to do them, and prove to her we have a future. This was all last week now.
Its been really hard for me the past week. I've been comming off the beta blockers, from which i might be getting some side effects from, its hard to tell with my all this going on my head. I have toruble sleeping, reduced appetite, highly emotional and getting hot flushes. I'm due to go back to the doctors this tuesday to possibly try anti depressants, which im both worried and excited about at the same time. I have high hopes that we can find one that help me, but im scared at the possible side effects.
I really want this relationship to work, i do love her dearly, and i want to make up to her all the hurt i've cause though my illnesses, because she says she still hurts and is angry at the things we have missed doing together (like her graduation ball, which was nearly a year ago). She says she doesn't know how she feels anymore. She says she still loves me, and cares for me very deeply, but shes not sure weather that 'spark' is there and how much she 'is in love' with me. She feels like all her energy has been used up, and she doent know weather she can give our relationship another chance. She's scared that she may be waiting around for me for the rest of her life, and if she does give us another chance, the same thing may happen a few months down the line. Or we do sort things out and i recover, then 10/20 years down the line, when we have commitments like a house and children, i relapse and she has to carry the whole burden alone. We both just dont know what to do. I find it really hard to leave her alone, and for the past week ive called her each day, i hope that through continued communication we can work something out, but sometimes shes tired of talking about it. Shes heard it all before, i cant offer her anything new. I just want everything to be back how it was. I really think we can recapture what we had, but she just doesn't know. Everybody is telling her we shouldn't be togther because its making her unhappy and that shes only 23, she should be out enjoying herself. I wish i had the choice
This week i've been trying really hard to get myself over this anxiety. Tuesday, i felt the best i had in ages, because of comming off the beta blockers i think, i was almost euphoric! For the first time in a long time, i made plans for the future, i decided to get out of the house at least once everyday (not just for a little walk round the block like i had been doing), to go to the doctors and give whatever we decided to be the correct medication a fair go, then when i was happy with that, get a little part time job, or do some free work experience somewhere. Having never had even a little job, this would really be a massive step for me.
Since tuesday i havent been as good, but i've still made myself go out, and generally the feelings of anxiety have passed, but still the next time i get the same. I'm hoping the anti depressant drugs will help with this. The constant worrying about me and louise doesnt help, but i am clinging to the slim hope that we can make things work. But im also trying to prepare myself for the worst.
I'm sure there are things ive missed out, but its all such a jumble in my head, we've been through such alot together and im desperate to get better, even though i know even when im better there maybe a chance we cant recapture what we had.
I'm really grateful if you've sat there and read though all that, i'd be really appriative if anybody has got any advice or has had similar problems, both relationship wise, and illness. Currently im finding it hard to see the light, although everybody is telling me it is there.
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Need to get some things off my chest
