You are very funny. I am married going on 16 years (I am 39 now)but I understand exactly how you feel, I know a young guy in his 20s who has the same dating problem you do because of UC. He just had his colon removed and a new one re-made, he is doing better but poops often.
My friends ask me to do things on weekends - I have to explain that I need time to relax after the long stressful work week - not that work is stressful but dealing with UC IS! Maybe check on line with a IBS dating service - there must be one. I hope you hook up soon but make sure you have at least two bathrooms so you can have one and he can have another. I pray for a cure for all of us! Have a great weekend.