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Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
      07/13/04 01:55 PM
Kimm

Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 1171
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Here's my deepest darkest secret....but I already poured it all out on here months ago so this is just a repeat to those who have read it already:


Quote:

The last thing I thought I'd ever be doing is pouring out my heart on a message board. I'm not usually one to talk about my feelings....maybe I've kept everything bottled up too long and that's why I'm crashing right now.

This whole childhood thing today really got to me. I've never really talked to anyone about how things were when I was growing up.

I was pretty young when my dad died. I didn't get to know him as much as I would have liked...but I have really great memories of him.

After he died my mom had a lot of different guys around. I don't really remember anyone specific until she met my step-dad. He had a really huge drug problem. He did heroine and a bunch of other stuff. By the time I was 9 my mom was an addict.

I guess cause I was really young and vulnerable it never even crossed my mind to ask anyone for help.

My mom got pregnant and they married soon after that...which was about the same time that the son of a family friend started to sexually abuse me. This went on for a couple years....until one day it just stopped for no apparent reason. I was too scared to tell anyone...and I still haven't told anyone yet (except you guys now).

My half-brother was born when I was 10 years old and my parents just weren't capable of taking care of a child. So my grandmother took care of him during the day and then after school and on weekends I took care of him. Everyone in my family knew the conditions we were living in but never did anything to help us. I still don't know why. So I raised my little brother as best I could.

When I was about 14/15 my parents drug addiction got really bad and they became physically abusive. I would say one thing that they didn't like and would end up bruised and bleeding. I tried as hard as I could to take it all and protect my brother. I'd rather take 100 beatings than have him take even one.

After the abuse got too horrible I went to The Children's Aid Society. They took my brother and I out of my parents house and we stayed with my grandparents for a month or so and then finally we were forced to go back home (my parents were good at pretending everything was just wonderful) and so I went home and counted the days until I was 16 and I could leave that horrible place.

On my 16th birthday I packed my stuff and left home. My family members didn't want to help me cuz they thought that I should have stayed at home. I had no place to go...I slept in a phone booth for a week and stayed on and off with friends until my grandmother finally realized that I wasn't going home. I moved in with her for a year...but felt so guilty about leaving my poor brother behind.

After about a year my dad decided to go to rehab and get off the drugs. I went home for a visit and saw a huge change in him so I agreed to move back in (and I couldn't stand being apart from my brother any longer).

It turned out that my mom had no interest in gettting sober so my dad moved out with my brother and told me I could move in with them if I wanted to. I felt too guilty leaving my mom behind by herself so I stayed. I guess I still had this niave idea in my head that maybe she could change...that all I needed to do was stick by her and she could do it. I was terribly wrong. She got worse and worse until one night she tried to strangle me and I left at 3am to go to my dad's and never went back.

After I moved in with my dad things were actually normal. He was getting sober and was actually a real dad!! I remember the first time he bought me balloons on my 18th birthday...I cried so hard cuz I was so happy he was atually sober and capable of doing these things for his family.

My mom has never gotten better unfortunately. She still has a serious drug problem. She stops calling us for months at a time and then calls up one day like nothing ever happened. My brother is now 13 years old and I know it hurts him so much that his mother is not capable of loving him like she should. I'm constantly trying to protect him...I buy him presents at christmas and put her name on them so he won't be hurt that she didn't get him anything. Maybe I shouldn't do that...but I just can't stand the thought of my brother being hurt. He's been through enough as it is.

I can't seem to let go of my feelings about my mother. I feel like I hate her so much for what she puts us through...but at the same time I still love her and feel sorry for her and part of me yearns for a relationship with her. I know it could never happen....but for some reason I just can't let it go. I allow her to hurt me over and over again and I still keep forgiving her. I worry about my brother every single day...and it hurts me so much that she makes so many promises to him that she can't keep...and just the look of disapointment and hurt on his face...it tears my up.

I have managed to finish university and have a full-time job and am enrolled in a graduate course...so I've always got lots to keep me occupied...but I guess sometimes (like today) I just break down and don't know what to do or who to talk to. I feel like there's nobody who can understand me....

Anyway...thanks for listening...I've never actually told anyone any of this stuff before...I may chicken out and delete this later...but I think it's helped just getting all that stuff out.




So there it is....it turns out I'm not as strong as I pretend to be all the time....I've become an expert at playing the "I always have everything under control" act....but I'm working on it....just promise not to tell anyone!!!

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Entire thread
* Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
Bevvy
07/12/04 09:11 AM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?

06/10/09 02:24 PM
* Best Post Ever (and love to the board old timers!)
Nelly
06/13/09 09:11 AM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
daliatree
01/23/05 05:32 PM
* Wow I missed this too

01/23/05 11:01 AM
* I just read this now, months later! How did I miss this thread?
Sara-Sage
01/23/05 08:12 AM
* Re: Not really a secret??
bttrfly08
07/14/04 12:11 PM
* Just Wanted To Say.....
Kimm
07/14/04 07:35 AM
* Ok it's taken me 3 days.....here goes
bz
07/14/04 06:53 AM
* Barbara!
Bevvy
07/14/04 07:51 AM
* Re: Barbara!
BL
07/14/04 08:13 AM
* Re: Ok it's taken me 3 days.....here goes
countrygirl
07/14/04 07:01 AM
* Barbara
jenX
07/14/04 06:57 AM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
Kristine
07/13/04 07:25 PM
* <<<<Here I am again with my thoughts>>>>
barbie
07/13/04 05:36 PM
* Re: Barbie
michele
07/14/04 10:42 AM
* Re: Michele and Barbie
Wookie
07/14/04 11:06 AM
* Michelle & Doe
barbie
07/14/04 12:10 PM
* Depression
peaches
07/14/04 11:55 AM
* Re: Peaches
Wookie
07/14/04 12:20 PM
* Re: Peaches
peaches
07/14/04 12:33 PM
* Re: Peaches
Wookie
07/14/04 01:03 PM
* Re: Peaches
peaches
07/14/04 01:21 PM
* Re: No problem at all!! -nt-
Wookie
07/14/04 01:23 PM
* Re: Depression
Sheri01
07/14/04 12:15 PM
* Re: Sheri01
Wookie
07/14/04 12:28 PM
* Anti-depressants
ChristineM
07/14/04 12:23 PM
* Re: ChristineM
Wookie
07/14/04 12:36 PM
* deep breathe...ok....
melitami
07/13/04 04:13 PM
* Melitami, thanks for sharing your story---nt--
BL
07/14/04 05:27 AM
* Bev..........
LittleLisa
07/13/04 03:50 PM
* LittleSis....
BL
07/14/04 05:29 AM
* Re:Beaglelover..
LittleLisa
07/14/04 05:35 PM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
Kimm
07/13/04 01:55 PM
* Kimm
BL
07/14/04 05:32 AM
* Kimm:
Sheri01
07/13/04 06:35 PM
* Re: WOW!
Wookie
07/13/04 02:26 PM
* Re: My secret
Wookie
07/13/04 12:50 PM
* Doe
BL
07/14/04 05:35 AM
* Re: Beaglelover
Wookie
07/14/04 06:56 AM
* Davina
Bevvy
07/13/04 03:37 PM
* Re: Bev
Wookie
07/14/04 06:43 AM
* Re: My secret
StephS
07/13/04 01:21 PM
* Re: Story cont. and forgiveness
Wookie
07/13/04 01:45 PM
* Doe
Sheri01
07/13/04 06:41 PM
* Re: Sheri01
Wookie
07/14/04 06:50 AM
* Re: My secret
chinagrl
07/13/04 12:53 PM
* Re: Surviving
Wookie
07/13/04 02:01 PM
* Re: My secret
michele
07/13/04 01:16 PM
* Re: Thanks so much for the kind words -nt-
Wookie
07/13/04 02:04 PM
* secret? What secret?
StephS
07/13/04 12:17 PM
* Re: Here is mine!
chinagrl
07/13/04 12:29 PM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
mspaschal259
07/13/04 12:04 PM
* Wow! Such a deep thread..
Jennifer Rose
07/13/04 12:00 PM
* Re: Wow! Such a deep thread..
atomic rose
07/13/04 12:18 PM
* Re: Wow! Such a deep thread..
Jennifer Rose
07/13/04 12:32 PM
* Re: Wow! Such a deep thread..
chinagrl
07/13/04 12:34 PM
* My turn (very long post!)
BL
07/13/04 11:42 AM
* beaglelover
Sheri01
07/13/04 06:51 PM
* Sheri01
BL
07/14/04 05:19 AM
* Thank You, BL
Bevvy
07/13/04 03:54 PM
* Re: Very good
Wookie
07/13/04 02:37 PM
* Doe
BL
07/14/04 05:22 AM
* Re: beaglelover
Wookie
07/14/04 07:00 AM
* Speechless!
bamagirl
07/13/04 12:04 PM
* for beaglelover
mspaschal259
07/13/04 11:53 AM
* Marilyn
BL
07/14/04 05:25 AM
* for beaglelover
mspaschal259
07/14/04 06:22 AM
* Marilyn
BL
07/14/04 06:36 AM
* Re: for beaglelover
BL
07/14/04 06:26 AM
* Re: for beaglelover
mspaschal259
07/14/04 06:37 AM
* Re: for beaglelover
BL
07/14/04 06:47 AM
* thank you for sharing this
jenX
07/13/04 11:51 AM
* biploar is something you are born with, is what i was told..
mspaschal259
07/13/04 11:55 AM
* I am amazed.......
BarbaraS
07/13/04 10:18 AM
* Wow...I'm at a loss for words right now....
Nugget
07/13/04 10:15 AM
* Re: Ditto! -nt-
Wookie
07/13/04 02:42 PM
* Strength and courage
Janey
07/13/04 03:09 AM
* Very well said, Janey......
Nugget
07/13/04 08:14 AM
* WOW!
JBI
07/12/04 10:36 PM
* Laura Sue....
StephS
07/12/04 10:15 PM
* Re: I spilled my guts, hit the shut down key and lost it all
gigi
07/12/04 11:08 PM
* Gigi
BL
07/14/04 05:40 AM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
Vicam
07/12/04 08:02 PM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
Shell Marr
07/13/04 08:07 AM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
RachelT
07/12/04 07:35 PM
* BEV, I'M WAITING....... -nt-
LauraSue
07/12/04 01:29 PM
* Whew! [Heavy Sigh]. Okay, Here Goes......
Bevvy
07/12/04 04:30 PM
* Bev.
BL
07/13/04 12:21 PM
* Re: Whew! [Heavy Sigh]. Okay, Here Goes......
michele
07/13/04 11:25 AM
* Bless You, Michele
Bevvy
07/13/04 11:30 AM
* Re: Bev you are a ROCK!
Wookie
07/13/04 10:31 AM
* WELL SAID, DOE! i couldn't find those words myself. perfection! -nt-
jenX
07/13/04 10:39 AM
* Re: Bevrs
michele
07/13/04 09:44 AM
* Re: Bevrs
BarbaraS
07/13/04 10:04 AM
* bbB
jenX
07/12/04 06:57 PM
* Bev and Laura Sue
Sheri01
07/12/04 06:52 PM
* Re: Whew! [Heavy Sigh]. Okay, Here Goes......
barbie
07/12/04 05:26 PM
* I'm so amazed by everyone
ChristineM
07/12/04 05:30 PM
* I want to echo that....
atomic rose
07/12/04 05:34 PM
* Re: Whew! [Heavy Sigh]. Okay, Here Goes......
LauraSue
07/12/04 05:05 PM
* Laura Sue.....
BL
07/14/04 05:44 AM
* Re: LauraSue
CathUK
07/13/04 11:28 AM
* Re: LauraSue
LauraSue
07/13/04 02:07 PM
* Re: LauraSue
CathUK
07/13/04 02:25 PM
* Re: LauraSue
lovejoy_22
07/13/04 02:20 PM
* Re: LS
michele
07/13/04 10:13 AM
* Re: Whew! [Heavy Sigh]. Okay, Here Goes......
barbie
07/12/04 06:39 PM
* Re: Whew! [Heavy Sigh]. Okay, Here Goes......
atomic rose
07/12/04 05:16 PM
* Re: Whew! [Heavy Sigh]. Okay, Here Goes......
chinagrl
07/12/04 05:23 PM
* WOW *exhale*
peaches
07/12/04 01:40 PM
* LS, in Bevrs' defense....
jenX
07/12/04 01:39 PM
* Re: LS, in Bevrs' defense....
LauraSue
07/12/04 03:46 PM
* Laura, you brave girl, you!
jenX
07/12/04 07:01 PM
* Yeah, What Jen Said
Bevvy
07/12/04 08:37 PM
* Bev
ChristineM
07/12/04 08:40 PM
* AIS
Bevvy
07/12/04 09:09 PM
* Bev, you are a sweetheart!
crampgirl
07/13/04 10:18 AM
* Fascinating!
ChristineM
07/12/04 09:47 PM
* Thanks Christine and Jenny
Bevvy
07/12/04 10:18 PM
* OH BEV!!
RachelT
07/13/04 01:43 PM
* Thanks Becky -- nt
Bevvy
07/13/04 03:50 PM
* Just my 2 cents
bamagirl
07/13/04 11:21 AM
* Re: BEV-You did nothing to deserve what you got
Wookie
07/13/04 11:02 AM
* cut it out- you're making me all choked up, dude. -nt-
jenX
07/13/04 11:03 AM
* Re: Me sorry JenX
Wookie
07/14/04 07:06 AM
* Bev!
peaches
07/12/04 10:56 PM
* Jessica
Bevvy
07/13/04 08:25 AM
* Re: Jessica
peaches
07/13/04 10:26 PM
* Wow Bev...
StephS
07/12/04 10:13 PM
* Steph
Bevvy
07/12/04 10:23 PM
* Steph.....
Dr. Spice Yamin
07/13/04 08:28 PM
* Re: Steph.....
StephS
07/13/04 10:27 PM
* Re: Steph.....
Dr. Spice Yamin
07/14/04 07:37 AM
* Re: Steph.....
StephS
07/14/04 07:48 AM
* Re: AIS
chinagrl
07/12/04 09:21 PM
* Re: LS, in Bevrs' defense....
chinagrl
07/12/04 04:18 PM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
LauraSue
07/12/04 12:32 PM
* wow Jen!
StephS
07/12/04 12:16 PM
* Re: wow Jen!
michele
07/13/04 10:20 AM
* BEV and the rest of y'all
ChristineM
07/12/04 11:01 AM
* Eeeeeek...
atomic rose
07/12/04 10:47 AM
* Casey, Casey, Casey...
jenX
07/12/04 10:52 AM
* LOL!!
atomic rose
07/12/04 11:06 AM
* Don't *DELETED*
ChristineM
07/12/04 10:36 AM
* ok, well... *DELETED*
jenX
07/12/04 10:46 AM
* LOL *DELETED*
ChristineM
07/12/04 10:51 AM
* Re: Don't stand so, don't stand so...
chinagrl
07/12/04 10:42 AM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
Sheri01
07/12/04 10:34 AM
* Sheri01
BL
07/14/04 05:50 AM
* Re: Sheri, Thanks for sharing your story
gigi
07/12/04 11:30 AM
* Congratulations, Sheri!
Bevvy
07/12/04 10:47 AM
* Re: Congratulations, Sheri!
Sheri01
07/12/04 11:49 AM
* Sheri01
jenX
07/12/04 10:41 AM
* Thanks! -nt-
Sheri01
07/12/04 10:42 AM
* I've actually never told this to anyone in real life..
Stephie
07/12/04 09:30 AM
* Steph....
BL
07/14/04 05:52 AM
* but was it GOOD!?!?!! -nt-
jenX
07/12/04 07:05 PM
* Stephie's been a bad girl!
Sheri01
07/12/04 06:55 PM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
LauraSue
07/12/04 09:13 AM
* Nope, LS
Bevvy
07/12/04 09:58 AM
* Re: Nope, LS
TommyNY
07/12/04 12:21 PM
* tommy,
jenX
07/12/04 12:43 PM
* Re: tommy,
TommyNY
07/12/04 01:07 PM
* Re: tommy,
Sheri01
07/12/04 01:27 PM
* some people did, Bevrs.
jenX
07/12/04 10:10 AM
* wow Jen...as an adoptive mom
####
07/12/04 03:31 PM
* Re: some people did, Bevrs.
countrygirl
07/12/04 10:20 AM
* BLESS YOU, Jen!
Bevvy
07/12/04 10:18 AM
* Re: Jen, you are more than a Woman !
gigi
07/12/04 11:37 AM
* no, YOU'RE a gem, ya big dope.
jenX
07/12/04 10:19 AM
* Wow Jen, you win! -nt-
Stephie
07/12/04 10:15 AM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
countrygirl
07/12/04 09:20 AM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
chinagrl
07/12/04 10:37 AM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
Sheri01
07/12/04 12:02 PM
* Re: Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
chinagrl
07/12/04 12:59 PM
* Good For You, ChinaGirl
Bevvy
07/12/04 10:50 AM
* ah, childhood memories!
jenX
07/12/04 10:50 AM
* Re: my secret
michele
07/12/04 11:33 AM
* michele,
jenX
07/12/04 12:00 PM
* Re: my secret
atomic rose
07/12/04 11:59 AM
* Re: my secret
Sheri01
07/12/04 11:53 AM
* Re: To everyone!
michele
07/13/04 10:16 AM

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