Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Help. Mental/physical breakdown. LS? Linz? anyone?

ok, i know this isn't a fibro site, but i feel like you guys are my friends and i'm a little freakin' out. i totally lost it this morning. i don't mean to monopolize things with the fibro talks, really i don't, but i'm losing it, here...

as i mentioned before, i didn't make it in to work all week last week. well, i was determined to get there today. we have a new computer system in the office and my supervisor was counting on me to be a lead person on learning it and helping others learn it. training for that started last Wednesday. i've been feeling guilty about not being there, so i was hell-bent on getting to work today.

well, i managed to get up and get a shower this morning before i almost collapsed. this fibro crap is getting worse and worse--- FAST. i know i didn't sleep last night. i think the new medication is at too low a dose. i would "sleep" lightly for about a half an hour, then be awake for a half an hour. this went on ALL NIGHT.

well, i was in the shower and almost fell out of it i was so weak. i couldn't dry my hair. i started crying out of frustration (yes, i've been teary lately, but this is the first crying jag since that doctor's appt. when i lost it. maybe i was due for a pity party. where's the hat!?

). anyway, i was shaking and weak and hysterically crying. then i got even more stupid and couldn't catch my breath. i almost vomited, i was crying so hard. now, isn't that a tad dramatic!?

so that only went on for a few minutes, but by the end of it i knew i couldn't go into work. i was worn out from the shower, then from the crying. i am not really feeling sorry for myself as much as i am feeling frustrated.

if i sit around all day i can do some knitting for a while. i can watch TV. i can even get a little reading in. but i'm painful (more so than i've ever been before, all over, all the time) and i'm weak. if i have the audacity to use my muscles for something (like to dry my hair, which i had to do sitting down on the toilet with my elbows propped on my knees), i have spaghetti- muscles for hours afterwards. especially not good when that's my legs, 'cause then i feel like i'm going to fall over all the time. sometimes my shoulders are just on fire, and then other times it's my hip. i know this isn't going to kill me. i understand that, but it's really really scary anyway. it's difficult to cope with something as wiley and variable as this. just when you get the heating pad on your shoulder, your knee goes crazy. i don't have enough heating pads!

i don't mean to whine, really i don't, but LS... Linzy... and everyone who doesn't have fibro but who is so very kind to me all the time... i don't know if i can do this for much longer. i'm really getting demoralized. i feel lazy and weak and frustrated. i am still earning money right now even though i'm home, but if i don't pull it together i'm going to run out of sick time.

i have an appointment with my doctor today, but i dont' know what that's going to do. i'm going to see about getting paperwork done so i can go to work for half-days for a while, but crap, i can't even get in right now. i can't even get through a shower if i don't have a whole night's sleep. a half-day of work, especially learning a new task, just sounds so daunting....

i know i have to take responsibility for myself and my health and not worry about my supervisor and my coworkers needing me to learn this stuff. but i feel responsible for learning this new computer system! and i go through what we all go through--- even with IBS. i look fine. i try to be in a good mood all the time. so i feel like people look at me as lazy or avoiding work because i stay home. well, i don't think the woman who answers the "call in sick" phoneline thinks that, as i called when i was upset and expected her voicemail. when she answered i did that whole start-talking-and-uncontrollably-revert-to-crying thing.

oy vey. i can't be responsible for what others think, and i know that, but still you don't want people to think you're lazy, right? or being overly dramatic. ugh. i can't worry about that, right....?

ARGH. i think i'm going a little nutso.

thanks for letting me vent. as always, you are all the best.

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