Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Even Dogs Have Problems, The Sage Of Jasper

Picked up by e-Mail. Originator unknown.

The Saga of Jasper and the Uncooked Yeast Rolls

I have no idea who wrote this but I laughed till my cheeks hurt!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in
the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For
those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption,
imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you know nothing
about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.
Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will
only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close
to my face as he can get without actually performing a French
kiss on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no
discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every
means to break him of this habit including locking him in a
separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over
$200. But I digress.
Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost
of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue
AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended
family and a lot of friends that I like more than family most
of the time. I was, however, assigned the task of preparing 124
of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts
we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting
the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in
the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.
I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to
reheat on Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly
painted you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to
smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls
on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for
5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat,
returning in about an hour.
An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was
8:30pm. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans,
much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called
out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He
literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of
the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in
fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.
I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of
uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK,
however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for
the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would
like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when
they were sick. Suffice to say that by the time we went to bed
the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to
lift him onto the bed for the night.
Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was
very stupid on my part. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do
first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the darn
dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running
into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when
he was walking his front half was going one direction and the
other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees
in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he
would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the
small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and
nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated
and he was as dizzy as a loon.
I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second
call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had
fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured
me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would
wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.
Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded
him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first
Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of
Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly
secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from
the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I,
we took off.
Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but
believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked
yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter.
They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at
the police station. But that's not the worst of it.
Now he was beginning to pass wind and they smelled like baked rolls.
God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured
this for the entire trip to Karee's, thankful she didn't live
any further away than she did.
Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the
door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first
Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of
conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the
garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning with a tale of
Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.
Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out"
and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had
eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put
a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive
system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this
was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karee's
house. Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we
loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This
was another naive decision on our part.
The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and
the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was
like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally
tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was
going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees
with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And
as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken
state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over
the garage floor that had to be brushed too.
Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took
him home and dropped him off before we left for our second
Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to
report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both
in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer
tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to
report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked
yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must
have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided
hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.
Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to "How to clean
unbaked dough from the Carpet." And how was your Day?

Print Remind Me Notify Moderator