Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | My admissions...Kerrie and Bev, thank you for giving me the courage to post this!

I'm not a happy person. There, I said it. I went through a lot of abuse in my life. I have ADD and learning disabilitites. But I am very bright. This confused people. My fam thought I was being lazy when I didn't do well in school. I wasn't. I had a learning difficulty...seven of them in fact! I had people tell me I would never get into college...and once there people told me I wouldn't graduate.

I graduated from college with a 3.0! I worked harder than anyone you'll ever know.....I went to tutoring 6-8 hours a week! (They only allowed 2 hours at the learning center--but I was so determined and driven they made an excption for me...shhh, don't tell!)

I can't tell you the pain I endured. Not to mention other traumatic things I went through...

One day in colleg, I was about 20 years old, I woke up and said "I want to be happy." So I tried to be happy. And I was definately happiER than I'd been...but not truly happy.

I can function, that's true. And I'm OK. But you know what I decided? Okay isn't good enough for me! I don't want to just get by! I want to be HAPPY! I'm tired of feeling like a nothing, a zero, worthless! I'm special! G-d wouldn't have created me otherwise! We're ALL special!

I called to make an appointment with a therapist. But the most important thing I'm doing for myself is TAKING CARE OF ME! I'm not working. I decided not to for now. My hubby is going to work half a day and go to sem. half a day. We went shopping yesterday for a poster for the apartment (I never got to decorate our place cause we were all saving up for sem.). It felt SO GOOD! A poster-$3-it's a Van Gouh! It made SUCH A DIFFERENCE TO ME!

Why am I sharing this with all of you? I'm hurting right now. I'm TERRIFIED of therapy! All these things have been repressed inside of me for so long. I hid my femininity...and now it's coming out. And I want to embrace it...but I also want to run and hide.

I know you all care about me...that's why I'm sharing this with you. I know you're here to help me. And I'm asking for help.

I'm not sure what I'm asking you to help me with? But I don't want to feel alone or be alone. And if I tell all of you what's going on, I'm not alone anymore.

My husband is SO SUPPORTIVE! He took off yesterday from seminary, his dream, to be with me to help me find somehting to decorate our place with. He loves me so much (I'm starting to cry here), I'm so lucky! It's not easy for us! We are having hard times right now. But I'm so thankful for him! But I feel guilty budening him (I know I shouldn't...and I'm working on that).

My self esteem is low. I'm trying to send myself positive messages in the present as opposed to the negative ones that were given to me in the past. While I can't erase the tape recorder of the past, I CAN put new messages on the present and future tapes...the messages that are sent to my soul.

Please don't be offended if I delete this post down the line. I'm risking a LOT posting this! It makes me feel exposed in a lot of ways...but it is something I feel I need to do at the moment.

I hope it helps someone. I feel that all the awful things I've endured are worth it if I can make it easier for someone else...or at least bring them comfort.

I love you all...thanks for being here....you're all VERY SPECIAL and I'm sorry and sad when I hear you're hurting! Please know I care about each and every one of you a TON and I am here if there's ever anything I can do!

With love,
Ruchie

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Formerly known as Ruchie

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