Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards

I fit 100% every diagnostic test for depression. In the past I've been on anti-depressants and they haven't worked. Some of them have made me suicidal. I don't take them anymore.

The only thing that's worked for my depression is pain medication. I have pain-predominant IBS-D, and when the pain has been taken out of the equation, the depression lifts, I can eat without anxiety and all the fear goes away.

When I become insomniac, it messes everything up and I get thrown back into fear, anxiety, not eating. Despair, really.

For the last 2 weeks I eat maybe 4 bites a day. Also, for the last 6 weeks, I've left my apartment twice. It's definitely getting worse.

I tried to break the pain-anxiety-insomnia-not eating cycle by taking more, then MORE of my pain medicines. Then more of my anxiety stuff. My appetite returned for a couple days, I got hungry, but then wasn't able to eat so much because I'd get full so fast.

Then I ran low of all my medicines and extinguished all outlets of "extra possible stuff" I could take, and now I'm scared to call my doctor because #1) I'm a mess to look at now (pale, gaunt), and #2) I'm afraid he'll take me off everything and try the bogus A/D route again (Very Bad).

I'm in despair and I'm afraid to act. Lonely? Have I mentioned Lonely?

I'm that too, and putting up a Very Brave (Translucent) Front for my dear boyfriend, who pays my bills, lets me be in my room, and brings me lunch and a smile, and just wants to know how I'm feeling.

Well, I'm feeling very unlovable at the moment. I wish everything would work right, so I can get back to eating, feeling less anxious, and please! sleeping.

Then I could look my BF in the eye occasionally when I lie to him that "everything's great, I'm doing so much better now."

~nelly~

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