Here's the deal...
We are celebrating my brother's birthday at my parents house today and my mom is cooking his favorite....tacos, chocolate cake, ice cream. This has been his birthday dinner now for the past 40+ years! My mom likes to do things the same EVERY year! He isn't married and goes over to my parents house practically every Sunday. Basically, he doesn't have much of a life the way I see it.
So, anyway....we are supposed to go over there in about an hour. My husband had already planned on going to our cabin about 20 minutes away to get things ready for winter. We have a storm coming today and generally as a rule if we don't have things ready by the week before Halloween, there's no getting into the property until June because of the snow. So I already know that he probably won't make it here before I leave to go to my parents house and it will be another occasion with my family that my husband has cleaverly gotten out of attending.
I think he gets bored there. He and my dad get along well, but there's not much for him to do there and he gets tired if he sits too long. I always get the feeling that he doesn't like going over there.
I asked this morning before he left if I would be going by myself or if he would be back in time. He said "If I make it, I make it. If I don't, I don't." So after he left, I started crying and I'm starting to tear up right now as I write this. I just always feel like I'm begging him to attend my side of the family functions. He never says, "yeah I'll be there. I'd love to go." It's always a struggle. I hate it.
Then my mom has a way of laying that guilt trip on me if he doesn't make it. Even though I've warned her that he might not make it and she said she'll understand.
The other thing is I'm running low on vacation time because I had to have surgery last year and borrow 2 weeks of this year's vacation. I had been sick, so I was already in the hole for vacation time. Then we went to Oregon for 2 weeks in July so that put me in the hole even more. Now last night hubby asked me to take a vacation day in a couple weeks so we can have a long weekend and get his hunting camp set up. I told him I'd go Saturday and Sunday, but I don't have extra vacation days to go Friday, too. He said "well, how many days do you have?" I told him not many. I have 5 days out of three weeks left until September of next year!! I'd like to save them in case anything comes up. He has tons of vacation time and sick time because he can save it up. I don't have that luxury. When he said that I felt like..."OK. I'm supposed to be fine with you asking me to take a vacation day that I don't have. But it's not OK for me to ask you to take 2 hours out of your day to spend with my family!?" Does that seem fair?
Then on top of all this and back to the subject of birthdays...I have a 40th birthday coming up in a few months. My mom likes to be in control of mine and my brother's birthday...same dinner every year, etc. She's actually gotten a bit bent out of shape in the past since I've been married if I want them to come to our house for my birthday or my husband's birthday. She even wants my husbands birthday at their house! So, I thought I'd let her know well in advance that I want to have my husbands family and my family out to our house for my birthday next year and that my husband would like to cook the dinner. When I told her she seemed fine with it, but my dad was there...so that's why she didn't say anything. Instead she e-mailed me the other day and said "I was thinking about your BIG day and wondered if you'd like to have everyone come here. We'd love to have your b'day here if you'd like. Just a thought. We've got time to plan. You mentioned the mountain and your place too so it's whatever you'd like." Why does she do this to me?! I've already TOLD HER the plan!!! Now she's trying to talk me into something else! It's not going to happen! No wonder my tummy has always been such a wreck!
Sorry this is so long...I just really needed to vent. I'm not in a happy mood and now I've got to go to my parents house by myself and act like everything is happy and fine.
I didn't get much sleep last night because of this and that doesn't help either.
Sometimes I just want to disappear and live my life the way I want and not have to please anybody. You know what I mean? Thanks so much for listening.
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I'm having a very emotional "feel sorry for myself day"...
