Jaime I'm so sorry you're feeling so poorly about yourself right now  Your post brought tears to my eyes, literally
Well following Casey's example of "nothing is too-TMI," here's some hyper-personal womanly sharing for you...!
First on the topic of breasts. I was a really really late bloomer. I still look younger than I am, but I mean I didn't get my period until I was 17. I had a bit of other "developments" prior to then, but basically I was totally flat chested (and skinny and completely non-curvy) throughout high school. In the last few years (I'm 22) I've grown a little bit (I'm still basically an A cup, but sometimes a B cup with the more generous companies  ) - but all in all I'm pretty flat chested. Your comment "i hate how my breasts look, so why would anyone else think they're sexy? " really rang true to me. For all intents and purposes I guess mine are both the same size, but I had sooo soooo much anxiety about sex and the prospect of being naked with someone else when I was younger (as in, a few years ago) because I was terrified that I'd be in a sexual situation, take off my shirt, and my partner would go "uh, where are your breasts?" Seriously. I make light of it now but I was really really terrified and depressed over it. (You know those dreams where you're back in high school and then you realize you're suddenly naked and everyone's laughing at you? I remember having a dream exactly like that once... only I was naked, and NO ONE NOTICED. Which was kind of traumatizing for me.)
Another anxiety I had (and here's that hyperpersonal female part) - the shape of my vagina/vulva. I was sooo concerned about this! I don't even really remember why... I thought the lips were too big or too far apart or something... I guess from seeing vaginas in porn or, honestly I don't even know. But I just thought mine looked really WRONG and I even checked around on the internet to see if there was surgery to get it "fixed" (there is plastic surgery to "improve the appearance of your vagina"... but now I think that's just really twisted...)
Anyway, as I've become more sexually active I've become more accepting of my body and all it's little quirks - I think in part because I've been able to experience my body a little more, and also because I've had more partners who haven't even remotely noticed all those little things that I notice. I've also seen and been with some women (I'm bisexual) and I've been truly (and pleasantly) amazed to find a real diversity in women's breasts and vaginas  Seriously! It's been actually really glorious for me, considering the serious anxieties I had about my own body. Despite what TV and movies tell us, women in the real world look really different. And I think that's downright fantastic. (I know, that might not be terribly comforting right now...  )
But really, I think you'll find that in general sexual partners are really less critical of bodies than you expect them to be - or than you fear them to be. I know that our culture is really disgustingly set on its "your body must look perfect" diatribe, but I truly believe (and it's really been my experience) that if someone wants to roll around naked with ya, by the time you take off your shirt, for most people imperfections like breast size, scars, hair, freckles, veins, wrinkles etc. are not going to be a major turn-off, you know?
I think that women ALL have anxieties like this about their bodies... (and evidently, men too - my (male) partner has confessed similar anxieties to me - but I think women experience it to a much greater degree)... The thing is, we just don't share them with each other. We're afraid - as I was, deathly afraid, and as you are - that people will think we're freaks or something. But we all have little quirks like this that we're terrified about. So, definitely hats off to you for coming here for support and for talking to your gyno about this. Try, if you can, to talk to some of your female friends maybe too. I'll bet that you'll get a similar response - they'll tell you all about those things that they hate/are anxious about their bodies.
You know... I find all this terribly depressing and liberating at the same time. Depressing - because it's disgusting that we live in a society in which basically all women have/have had something that they're terrified about regarding their bodies. And liberating - because talking to other women like that gives you the chance to realize that you're not the only one, you're not alone, you're not a freak etc...
Anyway, that was a lot of rambling on my part and I'm not sure any of it will be terribly helpful, but I'm sending you lots and lots of good, positive and loving internet vibes tonight.
And as always feel free to email me any time... I'm always up for more chatting (laurelmitchell at gmail dot com).
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Jaime
