Oh, Jaime.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Like many other women, I don't have a matched set, either. I'm on the small side, so when I was a teenager, it was REALLY obvious. I went through all the thoughts you had and was just totally obsessed about it. I either wore something really baggy or put a pad in my right cup.
I would like to say that I came to terms with this gracefully and now lead a full, rich life even with horribly lopsided breasts, but actually, I got really really sick (unintentionally) and lost a ton of weight. I lost a bra size and eventually ended up as a 32B. They're still different sizes, but it is definitely no longer noticeable. (I am obviously not recommending this as an option, particularly since it could be it was just some kind of freak of nature that this happened. Just saying what happened to me.)
As much as we can all sympathize, only you know what you're going through. I'm not going to say that in ten years you'll laugh at yourself for your silly fears -- or that guys will love you no matter what -- or that you should go get a boob job and you'll be OK. I don't know if any of that is true, and it's all just essentially platitudes anyhow. I do know that you are going in the right direction by (a) posting about it, and (b) talking to your gynecologist -- facing a problem head-on, even one with no easy answer, is still a hundred times better than letting it fester away inside you.
Therapy is an obvious suggestion -- talk to someone. Maybe not a trained professional, but maybe just tell your best friend what's going on. I know it's really tough, but friends are there for emotionally trying situations. And eventually maybe you'll find that you do need surgery to truly be happy with yourself. And that's OK, too.
The funny thing is, after all the tests/surgeries I've had, I've lost pretty much all self-consciousness. At one point I was in a recovery room and my way-too-large hospital gown slipped down enough for one breast to pop out. I just said, "Oops," and tucked it back in. A couple years ago, I would turned red, grabbed the gown, triple-knotted it, and not have been able to look at the nurse ever again.
If you want to talk more about any of this, please feel free to email me. lilivare@gmail.com
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Re: need help and support - something i've never told anyone about ever
