hey guys. i need some support about this. it's something i've never talked to anyone about, ever. (clearly taking advantage of the semi-anonymity here, of how it's easier to type than say things face-to-face.) this is usually something i can handle, but i was struck by an attack of really intense depression last night, and i need to, i think, start getting able to talk about this. (ugh, even typing this is hard.) it's going to sound like so little, typed here, but, well - it's about my breasts. i know that almost no one's are exactly the same size, but mine are really, strikingly uneven. they're both (considering my body) small - i'm practically flat-chested on one side, and the other, though bigger, is shaped oddly, too. this has, in a lot of ways, completely crippled me. forget not being able to go without a (padded) bra and not having worn a swimsuit in probably six years (i think my friends think it's a weight/body image thing), but it has really interfered with any semblance of a love life. i've never had a boyfriend, and i think this is a huge part of why - i'm just terrified of being naked with someone. i hate how my breasts look, so why would anyone else think they're sexy?
it's been like this for years, since i was maybe fourteen or fifteen. (i'm 23 now.) most of the time i forget about it, but then something comes along - bra shopping, the prospect of physical intimacy, or just out of nowhere like last night - and it hits me, hard, and i just feel this huge, crushing sadness and futility. because what can i do? get breast implants (which i hate the idea of, since they're not perfectly safe and worse, not permanent), or just deal. (i could also, i guess, have breast reduction on one side, but then i'd be basically flat-chested. which is fine, and would be better than this, but on my body wouldn't do too super much to help with the body image.) sure, i have issues with the rest of my body, but this is different. when i was 17 or 18 i made an appointment with a female doctor at my pediatrician's office, telling my mom it was about allergies, but i chickened out of telling her. i had a physical last month with a new doctor, and he did a breast exam - i was lying on the table when he did it, kept my eyes closed, and started crying - i cried through the end of the visit, and for most of the way back to work. i have my first appointment with a gynecologist in a couple of weeks, and i'm determined to talk to her. even if i have to write it down because i'm too terrified to even get the words out of my mouth (forget the fact that i know i'll start sobbing). (writing it all out here, telling anyone at all, has to be a step towards that.) the thought of even telling my mother, or my best friend, paralyzes me. every so often, when the despair about this hits, i'll look at plastic surgery before and after pictures, and the results amaze me. the idea of having normal breasts is just unbelievable to me. i don't care if they're *big* or whatever - just to look like i do now with a padded bra but without the padding would be amazing. to be able to wear whatever bra i want. bathing suits. to not freak out about a guy seeing me without a bra. (just wearing a sports bra to the gym was a big step, but it flattens me out so much you really can't tell anything.) i can't imagine what it's like to have breasts that look right - not perfect or anything, just normal. i know, i know, normal is a huge spectrum, no one's body is perfect. but if it's stopping me from living a healthy, normal life in so many ways, it's not right. (i'm praying that that angle could get insurance to cover it. because this has surely damaged me psychologically.)
ugh. anyway. that's it. i'm terrified of the gynecologist appointment (for this and the usual hey-there's-a-stranger-putting-a-cold-metal-thing-in-my-vagina reasons), but even more scared of what could come next. (it seems easier to tell a doctor, a stranger, than my mom or a friend.) so i could just use some support, and if anyone has similar stories. like i said, i've never talked to anyone about this ever. i'm somehow managing not to cry as i type this - last night it hit me during a reading at work. i cried a little the busride home, and when i got to my apartment i went right to bed, and cried myself to sleep. it's horrible and i'm terrified and really don't know if i can do what i think i need to.
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jaime
ibs-a (mostly d) // vegetarian
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need help and support - something i've never told anyone about ever
