How I spend my days these days...
06/06/05 01:07 PM
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Hi y'all,
So the AC works, the gas works, the sink in the kitchen that is connected to the dishwasher seems to have stopped leaking, roaches and millipedes living amongst us though (hoping the one of each we saw will be THE END of that problem!), the phone works, whew!
Hoping to book a therapy appointment sometime in the near future. Hubby will go with mefor the 1st two appointments and we will decide together by "interviewing" the guy if he is fit for the job...fired or hired!
Still missing the house. The garden. The crickets and the hooty birds. Playing soccer with Shana.
BUT
hubby and I discussed why I overeat and starve myself. I need to be loved. I never got that from my parents. Or from real time friends. Hubby is it...and all of you. When I want to love myself...the only way I know to do that is with sugar.  I starve myself for control. For a chance at having power in a world that has taken my voice and my personhood away from me.
He suggested:
1) I paint out my feelings instead of numbing them out with the food. He said to just paint color. Paint what I feel.
2) I garden. Using a hovel def. gets out my anger cause the dirt on our patio is HARD and ROCKY! It is also a way to nurture something. Including myself! I LOVE fresh spices....so we bought me a fresh spices grower kit. I also got a house plant. And we are hoping to add to this as we can afford to.
3) Sing. I have a sweet, claming voice.  I put children to sleep with my voice when I babysat! LOL And my dog too!!!!  my voice actually calms even ME
I haven't overeaten or starved myself today! I must admit, I'm afraid to do the gorwer kit...that I'll mess it up. That's the "abusers" telling me how worthless I am. I hope to get the courage to do it anyway!
I can't say I'm great right now. I've been eating gluten again (someone gave hubby and I food for shabbos before we moved and it had gluten in it....now I crave the stuff like crazy!) It makes me depressed, lethargic, migraines, etc. Our apartment freaks me out...the people that live around us are NOSY and loud and they freak me out. I'm so afraid of being raped again...I'm very alert. So it's hard to leave the house alone. I'm working on it though!
So that's what is up with me. I'm trying. Really trying. Sometimes just getting through the day is all I can muster.
I'm sorry I'm not on here much and that I don't e-mail everyone back. I'm in so much pain. I DO read the e-mails! Sometimes I just can't write back. It is NOT you. It is ME. Sometimes I feel like I am such a burden. Like my emotions are just too much. So I withdraw.
I love you all *big huge hugs*
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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