I am very sorry to hear about your uncle's death and the turmoil this has caused you and your family. It was very hard for me to read your post, since, as I think you know, I also suffer from BP.
I feel your incredible anguish--- but, unfortunately, unlike many people, I also know what it must have been like for him. I have been in that deep, dark place, feeling like there was no hope and just wishing I could find some peace. I do not at all excuse what he did, but I do want to give you some insight that hopefully will help you understand what he must have been going through.
When someone gets like this, the emotional pain is so severe that they cannot think rationally. All they want is to rid themself of the turmoil they are feeling. When it gets this bad, they do not have the strength to help themselves, and many times, others----even their closest loved ones---do not know how to reach out to help them. I'm just so sorry that someone, anyone, did not get him the professional help he needed before he experienced this incredible low ---which incidentally, is very typical after the super highs you described.
Many BP people don't want to accept this diagnosis because of the stigma attached to having a mental illness. Others do not want to take meds because that eliminates the incredible highs they feel---and that's a part of their life they enjoy. To feel like you're invincible and highly productive is a terrific feeling. Who would want to rid themself of that? The medicine dulls you and eliminates this feeling.
I can tell you, that in my case, when I went through the darkest period of my life, that it was a gradual thing that no one---not even my husband or parents---recognized until it was almost too late. I thank God a neighbor realized what was going on and got me to a doctor in time.
A person going through this truly is paralyzed and does not have the strength to ask for or seek help on their own. Afterwards, family members are shocked and angry that the person did not seek help. I have to laugh when I hear people say, "But why didn't they tell me what was going on?" Please believe me when I tell you he did not have the strength or power to ask for help----everything he was feeling was internalized and irrational. I remember sitting in a chair for hours at a time, feeling like I couldn't even move. All I could think about was being gone so I would not be in pain anymore. This seems silly to me now---I had a wonderful husband, two beautiful children, a great home. There was no reason for me to be thinking like this---except that I know now it was a chemical imbalance that I could not control.
I know that you are very angry right now because of the pain your family is experiencing, but please, I beg you, do not hold this against him for doing this. As awful as it was, it was not something he could control. Please believe that had he been in his right mind, he would have realized the incredible pain his passing would've caused and he would not have done this. The way that his life ended does not mean that he did not love you and your family. Celebrate the way he lived his life, the good times you remember, and hang on to the uncle you knew that was kind and loving. Taking his life, unfortunately, was the only way he felt he could escape the incredible pain he was feeling---and find some peace.
I debated whether to even answer your post, because I don't know whether my thoughts on this will help you or not. I pray that this will give you some peace.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
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Laura Sue
