Well the good news is that I'm in Boston and that I remembered my password so I can get on the boards. The bad news is that my trip out here was a nightmare and only got worse once I arrived. I hope you don't mind my unloading all of this, but I need to get this off my chest and I know you all will be understanding...
First things first, I need to give you a little history about why I'm doing this trip. Without giving too much information, you need to know that my older brother (up until September) had just spent the last 11 years incarcerated and was treated like he didn't matter and that the world was an evil and untrusting place. (Don't worry, it wasn't for anything other than substance abuse!)Basically he was "desensitized". Well, he and my mother decided that the best way for him to get back on his feet, was to move out to Boston and live with my mother until he was able to save up some money and get a place of his own, away from the people and things that could get him into trouble.
This is where I come in... I thought that if I drove him out to Boston, that it would be a great opportunity for us to have some good quality time together and to finally get to know one another. Not only that, but that I could also get away for a little while and be able to spend some time with my mother, whom I see only twice a year.
It started out great. I got a huge hug and a kiss from him, we packed all of his belongings into a Blazer that I rented and were on the road.
Unfortunately, 3 days of traveling in very close quarters, in a vehicle that is packed to the hilt barely leaving enough leg room for a person can be difficult... to say the least. My IBS was flaring up and I wasn't sleeping well, and he was dealing with a broken heart because he had left a special female friend behind, not to mention the fact that he was scared to death to move to a big city where he knows absolutely no one (aside from our mother). We never argued, but I could tell certain things that I would say about my life in Iowa (or anywhere else for that matter)or the way that I would respond to his feeling of loss and emptyness would bother him.
When we arrived in Boston, I was exhausted. I was the only one driving through the entire trip (he doesn't have a license yet). All I wanted to do was sleep, but since we hadn't eaten since morning, I did the best to maintain myself.
Unfortunately, dinner was something that needed to be purchased, and we had already returned the vehicle. So, we set out on foot to find something. Regardless of the fact that all of the food was along the street in front of my mothers building, he decided that we should walk around the back of the building, through the park and around the block, just to make sure we weren't missing anything, despite my protests. By the time we made it around to the front of the building, I was ready to drop. Apparantly I had a look of horrer on my face because he asked me what was wrong. My reply... the same as before... I'm exhausted and I just want to sleep.
Not only did he argue my feelings, but he also belittled the fact that I was out of shape and told me that I would "live"!
Well, I wasn't in the right mindset to deal with his insensitivity, so I just left and went back to the apartment and made some pasta, while he ate somewhere on the strip.
So later on after he had returned and my mother was home, we were all sitting in the living room... I was watching tv and he was at the computer, instant messaging his female friend while talking with her on the phone. His friend (who apparently is the only one in the entire universe who know anything about computers) tells him that he should download this certain program... the same one that I had recently had really bad luck with. So of course, I mentioned my experience. Holy smokes... did that set off a fire in him.
As soon as he hung up with his girlfriend we had this huge arguement. I can't believe how insensitive he can be... He told me how he was sick and tired of hearing about my problems (IBS) and that I live a hateful scared life, and that he was comletely offended by it. Not only that, he also told me that he didn't like what I had become and who I am. (This coming from someone who just told me a day or two ago that he believes in everyone and everyone deserves a chance!)
What a terrible thing to say. Especially to someone who believes that you have a lot to offer, regardless of your past and who just spent the last 3 days driving over 1000 miles to give you a new shot at life. My mother was even hurt by what he had said.
Needless to say, I spent the entire rest of the evening in tears. (I think I'm PMSing too, which makes things even worse than they really are.) I can't believe he said those things to me. I understand that we've grown up with completely different lives and look at the world differently, but jeepers. Yeah, I live in a town where there's hardly any crime and I'm married which gives me security, but I don't think I deserved that!!    My mother was terrific and was able to calm him down a bit. She also was great at consoling me and helped me to understand things a little more. (Remember, he's not been treated very well for the last 11 years. It doesn't make what he said right, but it does help me to understand that he knows no other way now.) I hope that he's able to get past that part of himslef. Otherwise he's going to have a real hard time getting close enough to a woman to marry. I mean, most women if not all can be sensitive at times, especailly during certain days out of the month.
It's the next day, and I still feel like he just stabbed me in the heart, but at least I'm not so tired anymore. I was able to sleep through the night, which helps to put things into perspective.
Once again... I'm sorry to unload all this on you. I still have a week and a half to get through out here. *sighs* At least I have next Monday to look forward to... I'll be going up to Maine to spend some time with Casey. (  I can't wait)
I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for listening!
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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What a lousy trip!!! (very long post)
