Hi Steph, I'm glad you posted too. Isn't this place a great outlet to vent! I know there were times that I've had those same horrible thoughts go through my head and it is a bit theraputic to communicate with people about it - makes you think about it differently somehow. It looks like you've already gotten lots of good advice and encouragement - but I wanted to add that I'll be thinking of you and sending you hugs - arn't you glad you're going back home soon - just focus on the good things - that's what my mom keeps on telling me with this Crohn's diagnosis - everyday that you feel alittle bit better, think about the feeling better times, not the hour or whenever that your tummy hurts or your bum is sore - think about the feeling better times and there will be more of them - I promise you'll make it! Also, on a more clinical note - the not being able to swallow thing definetly sounds like something involving panic attacks to me - there are medications specific to panic disorders that are differentiated in how they work from other anti-depressant type drugs - you should ask a doctor or a psychotheropist about that. I hope you feel better soon though - I know you can do it. Min