I'm so sad...It helps to talk about it. Most of this is from the journal that I've begun. I wish that I had known what a m/c was all about. I was not prepared.
I started spotting on Thurs, Sept. 24, called the on-call doc, he told me to schedule an ultrasound the next day. We went in and they could not find my baby, just a sac that measured at 7 weeks. I was nearly 12 weeks. We left the drs office in shock. I could not stop crying. The doc said that I could miscarry at any time.
We went to see a movie Saturday morning (the 25th) and went to the grocery store. That afternoon, I began losing our baby at 11 weeks and four days along. I was in the kitchen mixing up a taco dip for family that was coming over to support and distract me. The Michigan/Iowa football game had just begun. I felt a gush, and ran to the bathroom. It had started. Words cannot describe the physical feeling of losing a baby. At the most literal and basic level, I delivered our baby into a toilet. I felt as though it was forcefully being ripped from my body. Gravity was pulling it out of me. I also felt as though my body was rejecting our precious baby.
I felt helpless to stop it. I could feel a strong cramp coming, and a slight pressure would build up, and another tissue or blood clot would separate itself from my body. I felt panicked and hysterical. I couldn't stop crying or shaking. After about 45 minutes, I started feeling really hot and sweaty. I felt my hands and legs start to tingle, and blackness surrounded my vision. I thought I was going to pass out. Justin calmed me down and decided to take me to the ER after speaking with the on-call doctor. We got to the ER around 5 p.m. After waiting in the ER for about an hour and a half, we finally got into a room, where they hooked me up to a saline IV. The doctor did a physical exam and decided that I had passed most of it naturally. They sent me home around 9:30 p.m.
The worst part of my day is first thing in the morning and trying to fall asleep at night. The hurt and pain is so fresh when I wake up and realize what had happened all over again. At night, my brain won't shut down. I cry because I'm sad. I cry for what we don't have any more. I cry for failing at this.
On Tuesday, we had a follow-up appointment with my dr. She did a physical exam, which hurt like hell, and determined that I needed a D&C. We walked over to the hospital where they hooked me up to an IV. Laying there in the hospital bed, I felt as though I was going through it all over again. But it felt more final this time. I remember lying on the bed, being wheeled into the surgery room, and thinking of all those movies where you see a very pregnant woman being wheeled into delivery, with her husband jogging next to her, holding her hand. When I left the hospital in a wheelchair, I felt as though I should be leaving with a baby in my arms. Those were the visuals I had of being in a hospital. Happy times, filled with joy, elation, wonderment and pure love for our child. I was leaving with empty arms and an empty womb. It's so not fair.
I'm terrified to get pregnant again. But there's nothing I want more than to be pregnant. I'm scared to go through another first trimester, filled with even more anxiety and worry than before. I'm scared that I will not be able to carry the next baby to term. I can't imagine going through the terror, grief and sadness that I'm feeling now all over again.
I'm ashamed because of the jealously and anger that I direct toward pregnant women or women with infants. Why were they chosen to have their child and not us? But, maybe they went through the same thing as I did and are now finally realizing their miracle. It gives me hope and makes me mad at the same time.
Michelle, I know that you had gone through two of these but I had no idea how painful a miscarriage really was. I hope you're doing well. I'm sure that others here on the board have had m/c as well, because unfortunately, it really is common.
Thanks for reading anyone.
Hope everyone is doing well.
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~jules
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I lost my baby at 12 weeks (TMI and very graphic/descriptive and very LONG)
