Your Deepest, Darkest Secret?
#88946 - 07/12/04 09:11 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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We've all got 'em. At least one. So how gutsy are you?
Tell us -- what's yours? I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours. 
You go first.
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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BEVVVVVVV!!!! Come on, that's not fair! There's a reason we keep our secrets hidden!! How about my second deepest secret?
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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It's not as scandalous as you think,but here it goes: We had a miniture daschound puppy named Spencer.Spencer was a very naughty dog,tried everything to house train him,tried the kennel while we were gone,etc....he was so destructive to the house(which we were trying to sell at the time)and messed in the house constantly.Barked non stop when left alone to the point the neighbors were complaining,he was nippy towards strangers,and the list goes on. Well with trying to sell our house and the dog being so disruptive i decided the best thing to do was take him to the animal shelter.Well,he bit someone at the animal shelter and they told me he was not safe to adopt out,they suggested he be "put down". I agreed to let them,i felt i had no choice since he was so nasty towards strangers and couldnt be adopted out.I never told my husband or my kids about it, they just assumed he was adopted by some lady with other daschounds(cuz thats what i told them). There it is,,,my deep secret...lol
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I've had cyber sex.
Never told anyone that. Not even the boyfriend. I even lied on a purity test about it 'cause I didn't want the reaction. 
Okay, now I actually told a dirty one and I've probably got at least 5 more so I'd better hear some good ones!
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Nope, LS
#88973 - 07/12/04 09:58 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Not your second. Your FIRST. And, BTW, I already confessed mine here in the Living Room -- but no one caught it.
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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you forget i'm a genius! 
i caught it, but you didn't come right out with it so i figured i'd respect your privacy.
i'll tell mine: i had a hidden pregnancy in my early 20s. gave the baby up for adoption. no one knew at the time (not a single soul. i mean it.) and only a few know now.
how's that for a doozy!?
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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BLESS YOU, Jen!
#88995 - 07/12/04 10:18 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Okay, now I'm crying.
Jen, you are a GEM. You know that? I adore you.
Your friend,
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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you just don't know it!
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WOW Jen! That IS a big secret.But you know what, i have to say as a mom i think you did a wonderful,unselfish thing to give a baby up to someone who couldnt have children of their own.Thats a very hard thing to do,i admire you for that.Must have been the hardest thing you have ever done in your life, HUGS~~~Tanya
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Wasn't gonna answer this, but here goes:
When I was 15 I had a sort of anxiety breakdown and could no longer go to a public high school. For alittle while I went to a mental health outpatient hospital program, and while I was there one day I cut my arm up pretty bad with a razor blade, I was so self destructive and hopeless at that time. The scars are still there and I am embarrassed and ashamed to wear t-shirts cause some nosey people ask me about them, because it is real obvious. I wound up finishing high school at an Alternative High School, for kids with drug problems, emotional problems, or other reason that kept them from going to a public school. That is part of the reason why I barely have any friends, I didn't have much of a chance to make good ones in high school, and I was too shy before that and my parents were too strict.
I realize that even though I had a messed up adolescent life, that does not mean that I am that same person now. I have put all of that behind me and have made very many positive changes in my life. That is part of the reason why I want to get this tattoo I keep talking about.
Sorry that mine was alittle depressing! 
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-Sheri
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Post deleted by ChristineM
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
Edited by ChristineM (07/12/04 05:45 PM)
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m
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Sheri01
#89015 - 07/12/04 10:41 AM
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jenX
Reged: 08/11/03
Posts: 3252
Loc: Richmond, VA
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thank you for telling that. i bet it wasn't easy.
my brother cut himself, too. i didn't know about it at the time. i wish i had known...
YOU DESERVE THE TATTOO, GIRL! a phoenix is PERFECT.
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-Sheri
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Hmm... I worry about that sometimes too Christine. Not that it's happened... but bell hooks writes about it in her pedagogy book and I figure it's a possibility!
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Post deleted by jenX
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You're an inspiration, Sheri. How you've grown! Wow.
Thanks for sharing.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Eeeeeek...
#89024 - 07/12/04 10:47 AM
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atomic rose
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)
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I guess I can tell mine, since I confessed to the second-deepest secrets yesterday (the multiple marriages and the abuse)... although don't be too surprised if I end up deleting this one by the end of today. I'm still very ashamed of this.
While married to husband #2, I had an affair with a married DC lawyer. We were about as opposite as opposites can be: him a typical older conservative lawyer, me with fire-engine-red hair & tattoos & piercings. I liked the guy as a person, but I never entertained any idea of stealing him away from his wife, or leaving my husband for him - it was pure sex, and while it lasted (about a year or so), I have to admit, it was a hell of a lot of fun.
I do regret it, though. I really don't believe that cheating accomplishes anything, and I wish I'd never done it. I still feel guilty about it, a couple years later.
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wow, Jenny. that was quite a summer. teens go through so much! adults never give them enough credit.
well, thanks for telling the story, anyway. very brave! sorry you had to go through that. being responsible for someone else's happiness is a horribly rough burden. and then to find yourself in another entanglement you want out of... wow. and then for your family to judge. argh. big summer! poor girl.
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We all hate our deepest, darkest secrets. But sometimes telling them helps getting it out and give us some relief. It also makes us much more human.
Smooches!
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Post deleted by ChristineM
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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you are certainly not the first person to be in that experience, nor will you be the last. that's one of those "what did i learn about myself from this?" things. and i think we know the answer.....
....it may be ok to sleep with a conservative, but ya never want to keep him!
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Bev: Okay, I have to go take a shower now because I'm supposed to leave in fifteen minutes, but when I get back (in about six hours), I expect your post to be on here, missy! Is that clear???
Everyone else, I'm totally in awe of your honesty and your, well, humanity if that makes any sense. Even though I've always taken the safe route, I totally admire the mistakes and choices people make along the way. They make you so beautiful and interesting!
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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LOL!!
#89039 - 07/12/04 11:06 AM
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atomic rose
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)
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Jen, that is SO very true! (And thank you for the giggle!)
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There should be no ashame, you suffered through things that were evidentally not under your control. You made it through, you are here, and still have your youth. (though I am not quite sure of your age)
There is always time to make friends, give yourself a chance and others, don't hold back it could keep you from meeting your best girlfriend ever!!! And, I believe we could never have to many of those. Good luck honey,keep on going!!
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Re: my secret
#89056 - 07/12/04 11:33 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Well, I decided wether or not to post this but here it is. I was addicted to drugs, coke and meth for 2 years in my mid 20's. It was an awful addiction and at the time I was in an abusive relationship and just about gave up on life. My first husband got another girl pregnant while we were married and than was murdered (no, not by me  ) We moved around a lot for his job so I didn't really have any friends. After he was killed I tried to pull my life together but was plagued with severe anxiety and depression. I muddled through for a couple of years than got hooked up with the "wrong crowd." I was desperate for friends and wanted to "fit in" somewhere because I never did. Not while growing up, I came from a very dysfunctional family. I didn't have friends in high school. Anyway, I knew I was headed in the wrong direction but thought I could handle it. I was wrong. VERY WRONG. I almost od several times. Sometimes, I think that was on purpose. I was trapped in an awful relationship and had no way out.
Finally, one day I woke up from a drug induced stuppor and realized I didn't want to die like that. I got a restraining order on the physco boyfriend, moved away from the drugs and associated people. I detoxed on my own, it was one of the most terrible things I ever had to go through. I haven't touched drugs now in over 8 years.
Most people in my life do not know about this. I did tell my husband but thats about it. My mom never new, although she must have suspected. I just don't talk about that part of my life. I am very ashamed. But I am also proud of myself for overcoming it. I believe I am a good person today and try to leave the past behind.
Hows that for a secret! Now Bevrs, I missed your confession so its only fair....
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I love you so, for sharing with a couple who could not have a child. Thats the greatest sacrifice.
You are so inpsirational, you could have chosen the other route, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR NOT DOING SO !!!
God Bless You Jen!!!
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Oh wow, yous are all making me tear up. But in the good way. 
I feel like you are all my sisters/moms/best friends that I never had (well, you know what I mean by "had")
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-Sheri
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Wow michelle,
I have so much admiration for you right now, not many people, okay almost NONE make it through a situation like that or have enough in them to overcome an addiction, especially one of that magnitude.
You are right, those types of life experiences definately can make a person stronger.
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-Sheri
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Re: my secret
#89069 - 07/12/04 11:59 AM
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atomic rose
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)
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Wow, Michele. I have to second Sheri - I have so much admiration for you right now. It takes a lot of strength and determination to overcome all that... wow. Yes, you SHOULD be proud! I'm proud of you, and I hardly know you at all.
The strength of the women on this board never ceases to amaze me.
PS - I agree. Bev needs to OUT with her secret!
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michele,
#89070 - 07/12/04 12:00 PM
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jenX
Reged: 08/11/03
Posts: 3252
Loc: Richmond, VA
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you are a lovely person and i'm so moved by your story! wow. you deserve all the happiness in the world, Miss, and i know you'll get it!
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Chinagrl,
Seventeen is a rough age to deal with pysco boys, my BF at that age was completely demented, too. He would pretend like he was going to speed through red lights at intersections and stuff like that if I was mad at him for things that I had a right to, like lying to me. He took advantage of me in almost every way possible because I was
so trusting. That is only the tip of the iceberg... another story, another time! That one is not quite old enough yet to get into, but is #2 on my list.
Your sister sounds alot like mine, not very understanding and sympathetic or caring. But, the longer time goes things do get better. I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through that.
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-Sheri
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wow Jen!
#89076 - 07/12/04 12:16 PM
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StephS
Reged: 09/11/03
Posts: 2123
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Thats wonderful that you were able to make that decision. My family is kinda dealing with that type of stuff right now. What a truly hard decision, but a good one!
I'm sure you have made a family so happy! My neighbor has two kids she and her husband adopted. She is such a good mom...she also has two kids of her own..... in fact she adopted her second child and then found out one month later she was pregnant!!! What a blessing for those who can't have kids on their own. What a woman you are!!!
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Hmm, sorry to rain on the female bonding but I'll share something that I don't tell a lot of people. I'm half Puerto Rican and half Italian. Growing up my family lived with my Sicilian grandmother who loated the fact that my dad married a Puerto Rican. My grandmother spent years degrading my mom because of her heritage and spent years degrading my sister and me for our ethnicity saying things that are better left unsaid on this site. Its a terrible thing to be hated by your own flesh and blood. Thankfully we finally got out of that situation when I was 15 and my sister was 10. A lot of damage was done but I turned out to be one pretty strong S.O.B. and I am very proud of who I am. But still, it is very hard to tell people especially if I am in a relationship about the fact that I don't communicate with one half of my family. But hey, that's life.
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Dagnabit, Bev, you start this and then disappear??!! I'm not telling til you do. And I DON'T WANT to and I want that clearly understood, crazy lady! You bear full responsibility for any consequences, understand??!!
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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tommy,
#89086 - 07/12/04 12:43 PM
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jenX
Reged: 08/11/03
Posts: 3252
Loc: Richmond, VA
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sadly, many of us have experiences that prove, like yours did, that family is merely a bunch of people you're born related to. it has nothing to do with character and love in some cases. i feel ya.
glad you got out of that and that you view it as something that strengthened you rather than weakened you. you're lucky! now you know how tough you are!
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Thanks guys... my sister was actually just going through a bizarre religious phase. She's over it now, but now my other sister is in one!
As for my ex-boyfriend... I think he was just terribly mentally unwell. I really hope he's doing well now, wherever he is.
Thanks for sharing your alls secrets though.
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Thanks Jen, I could not agree more with what you said.
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Re: tommy,
#89108 - 07/12/04 01:27 PM
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Sheri01
Reged: 04/19/04
Posts: 1731
Loc: New Jersey
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I know what you mean tommy, family does not always come first to some people, and families don't always automatically love each other. That's so horrible that you had to deal with that, it is a shame that your parent's situation did not turn your grandparent's around to how they treat other races.
Atleast you will help shape things to be better for future generations, when you embrace whatever person your future children will bring home.
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-Sheri
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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i don't think she's been online since earlier when this thread started. i've been goofing off online most of the day and haven't seen her since then.
maybe she found some Jack left over from the other day!? 
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WOW *exhale*
#89120 - 07/12/04 01:40 PM
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peaches
Reged: 09/28/03
Posts: 1183
Loc: Fort Wayne, Indiana
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You guys have some pretty edgy posts! It's very inspiring, however, and I guess I'm just not quite old enough to have a really big one like you guys do. Reading these shows that no matter what happens to you or what you get yourself into, you can almost always get back on track!
SO, if I think of anything, I'll letcha know.
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It comes down to the art of living on [color/red]
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your story touches me. Both of my kids birthmothers families knew about the babies and the choice to place them for adoption. They are also welcome to write my kids anytime. I hope what ever arrangements you made are ones that you are at peace with. I am in awe...
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I know, sweetums. I'm just giving her grief!!
Awright, I was struck speechless by your share, Jen. What an incredible thing to go through. Do you know the song, "Little Green" by Joni Mitchell? It's about giving up her child for adoption. She was finally reunited with her daughter just a few years ago. They had both been searching and finally connected.
Okay, I don't want to do this, but I guess I have to. My deepest darkest secret is that I'm mumblemumblegaymumblemumble.
Ohmigoodness my hands are shaking. I'm outta here. I'm terrified.
Later.
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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Hey, LS honey, you don't have to tell people anything if you don't want to. And I'm confused, I thought you were married?
But you're brave to tell us anyway.
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Here's the post everyone missed except our Miss Jen: web page
It's true. It's my horrible, painful secret. It's a very long story, so I won't go into it any more than that. For most of my life I thought I was a freak of nature; it wasn't until I was 38 that I learned there are a few other females with my same condition. It's very rare, one in every 600,000 females are born with this. We were all males when we were conceived and something terrible went wrong in the womb. The support website I used to belong to long ago was most depressing; many females committed suicide.
You know what guys, you all have made me feel so much better. I'm blown away by what we have all gone through and lived to tell about. I swear that's why we're so strong. Thank you ALL for sharing your most intimate secrets; I have great respect for all of you.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Wow, you just blew my little confession out of the water. That's AMAZING, Bev! I've read a little about gender issues like that, enough to know that you must have gone through hell before learning about it and coming to terms with it. I wondered why you were sterile, as you've mentioned a couple times. Now I understand.
Makes my realization at the age of 42 or so after 15 plus years of marriage that I'm attracted to women not men seem like pretty small potatoes.
I think the kick I got out of sex with men was just about them being attracted to me and wanting something from me. Never had the big O. Not once with guys, only by myself. I kept it secret from my hubby, sweetie pie, Andy for several more years, but finally came out to him a couple years ago. After working up my courage for months, I finally was able to blurt out the words to him, "I'm gay." You'll never in a million years guess what he said. Without a moment's hesitation he said, "No, you're not." Like a mom saying to a kid who says "I'm hungry." "No, you're not." It cracked me up and made me furious all at the same time.
And he's still in denial about it. He thinks that it's just a phase that will blow over or that I'm really bisexual, not a lesbian. Anyway, we haven't had sex in years. I negotiated a sabbatical shortly after realizing I was gay, and bless his heart he hasn't made an issue of it.
Now here's the beauty part. I haven't kissed a girl either. I've had plenty of opportunities, I do live in NYC after all, and there's a lesbian bar about 9 blocks from here!! I wouldn't even have to cross the avenue. But I have some very strong spiritual beliefs and one of them is to honor my marriage vows. I will NEVER cheat on Andy. As long as I'm still married to him, it's strictly look but don't touch! But if anything should happen, my next relationship will be with a woman.
Jenny (Chinagrl), as far as you and anyone else who was confused by the fact that I'm married, all I can say is, so was Eleanor Roosevelt, so was Virginia Woolf, so was Tom Cruise, so is David Bowie (to Iman the model -- I'd marry her in a heartbeat), so was Cole Porter, so was Alexander Hamilton, so was Frida Kahlo, so was Laurence Olivier, so was Franz Schubert, so are a million other people. And I haven't exactly been forthcoming about it, so any confusion is totally my fault!
Bev, Jen, Michelle, Jenny, EVERYBODY that posted here today, I applaud your courage, your honesty, and your strength. We have all in our own way overcome tremendous obstacles. A friend of mine says that "We're only as sick as our secrets." So by telling our secrets here today we've all cast our votes for health, guilt-free, shame-free, open and honest health!
Good for us! And I'll drink a Jack to that!!
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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I don't even know what to say to all of that, except that I just want to hug you. It sounds like your relationship with Andy is amiable and pleasant enough, but still... I can't even imagine living with someone who's in total denial about something that IS who you ARE, and everything else that entails (not meeting women, etc). Wow. I really am kind of speechless... not because it's all that shocking (it isn't, not at all, at least to me), but because of your courage, honesty and strength (I couldn't have put it any better).
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Wow. Just wow. First off, as a feminist scholar I know that sex and gender are just artifical constructions made up to maintain a dominant patriarchy. No one's really a woman or a man, anyway. I know that sounds like a bunch of scholarly crap, but I really do believe it.
Second off, LS, what a horrible position to be in. It's not that I don't understand that you can be gay and married, it's just that I'm from a different generation. Since people are more accepting these days, that happens less.
What courage you all have to confess that! And, LS, what courage you had to tell Andy. It's too bad, though not unexpected, that he would respond like that.
You guys are inspirational. I'm proud to be your friend, even if just on the internet.
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Hey Sis,
Just wanted to post again in case you didn't see my other post to you and the other brave gals pouring out their secrets.
You will always be my Sis no matter what. You are a wonderful, loving person and great advice giver. You have a big heart and nothing else really matters.
Now, I want to know if you have my room ready in the new<<< and I might add beautiful>>>> home of yours????
Barbie
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I said it earlier, but I just want to affirm it before I take my secret off the board at the end of the day. I have nothing but respect not only for the strength and courage you all have, but also for your strength and courage in sharing. There is no shame here; I think we all have more respect because of what has been shared.
Bless you all!
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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...because I know I didn't specifically reply to everyone's posts. For the strength you all have in dealing with what you have, and for the courage you've shown in sharing, I respect all of you. Greatly.
As if we needed further proof that we're an amazing group of people!
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Hey LS,
Not much activity going on here either. No complaints from me. Hubby is on blood pressure medicine (reduces his sex drive) and I am post menopause (I don't give a hoot about it anymore) and this is one of the happiest times of our marriage. We are best friends! Sometimes he jokes and when he sees a commercial about Viagra he says to me " You want me to get some" and I say "no" I'm just fine....and that is the end of that. Then we go on laughing about something on TV and bonding in a way that we never were able to do before.
Just rambling....I'm starting to be like my Sis.
Barbie
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bev and laura sue- you blew me away by that one!
I have to admit, when I was younger I would have been bothered by that (I say younger like I am so old! LOL), but some experiences changed me.
I always thought that people with different lifestyles were wrong. but things WERE alot different then than they are now. A couple of years has really changed things.
You know how I said I went to a school for "special" kids? SOme of my classmates were there because they were gay and thier peers found out, going to public school was no longer an option. I didn't realize this. at the time I was a complete "homophobe" and used common kid slang (calling everything negative 'gay"). I did not find out until after graduation that some of my best buddies in school (didn't hang out outside of it) were gay.
I even shared a bed with a lesbian on a class trip.
About a year and a half ago I introduced a VERY flamboyent gay guy friend that I made through some friends of my BF to a close family member. One month later he came out to me, before he came out to many people at all, because he saw how cool I was with it (his words). I was floored by this, but immediately accepted it. it didn't even bother me, and wasn't a big deal to me. he was the same person I always knew... he just now liked guys instead of gals.
i have since been to two gay bars/clubs and have had the time of my life, even though I am straight.
It should make us all very proud to be living through such a revoloutionary time.
Well, I didn't mean to write that much... but I always get carried away! 
I would like to echo any comments that have been made that EVERYONE who posted today is still my sistah, even though we have never met.
You are all VERY brave, I know I didn't write to EVERYONE's post, there were just too many!
Oh, and peaches, PLEASE don't be in a rush to gain your bad secrets! The fact that you are so sweet and innocent I think is a big enough sin itself  (just kidding with ya)
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-Sheri
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just teasing... that's really cool that you are able to express yourself in that way. Although I am most certainly NOT the most demure in bed, I do know that I am too shy to put anything of that nature in writing!
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-Sheri
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bbB
#89192 - 07/12/04 06:57 PM
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jenX
Reged: 08/11/03
Posts: 3252
Loc: Richmond, VA
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just posting here to say SMOOCHES. i said what i had to say on email when i was locked out of the site.
you're always my best buddy Bevrs. so there! (besides, since i've known your secret for months, obviously it doesn't bother me at all! )
and, by the way, i still expect to come for a visit. if you were trying to get rid of me, it didn't work.
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i see you snuck it in there. i almost couldn't hear it 'cause of the mumbling!
well, sweets, i hope you know me well enough by now to know that your little secret doesn't phase me at all. i'm glad you're feeling like you can share it- that must be a burden lifted!?
i admire your morals for sticking to your vows. i don't think that's something most people put enough stock in. i am sorry Andy is in a little bit (little!?) of denial about it, though. it must be difficult to be coming to realizations about yourself and not have your best friend be able to get his mind around it.
so.... have you gone into the gay bar?!?!? how much lookin' are ya doin'!?!?!
well, thanks for sharing. i'm touched that you chose to share this with us.
SMOOCHES, as always.
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Sorry guys...I'm not brave enough to share mine. I admire everyone who has though.
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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I'm kinda lame, and don't really have any secrets, thus far I have led what most would deem a very boring life. But I just wanted to echo what a lot of people have been saying and say that I think it's great so many of you were able (and willing) to share your secrets
Kelly
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L-the-L,
I too had a hard time spotting it. At first my eyes ran over the mumbling, onto the next line, but something caught my eyes, something that didn't say the same words, what could that have been that I just saw -- subliminally -- ?
Oh! OH! OH!
Okay, got it. What a surprise!
Well, go with your heart, LS, and you'll never go wrong. Andy sounds like a fabulous guy, and there's a lot to having a relationship like you guys have. Sex is so over-rated! Well, it's pretty good -- but having a strong friendship with your mate is really what guarantees a good stable marriage.
You DO want to stay married to Andy, yes? Or is this something you haven't had much time to roll over in your mind? Is this a fairly new discovery for you?
While I've had really strong feelings towards many female friends, I've never been sexually attracted to females at all. The thought of going to bed with one of them feels kinda "icky." Females don't have the right "equipment," ya know? I guess if I had turned out to be a male, I'd have been a pretty bad one.
A lot of people who are born nowadays with my condition actually become males at birth. It's up to the parents -- and that's an issue that's become very controversial. When the child grows up, he can be very angry at his outcome.
When I was born it was so rare doctors didn't know it even existed. Now they do -- and they can deal with it at infancy, making the child a female or a male.
I'm glad I turned out female because I'm attracted to men. It would have been terrible if my parents had discovered my condition at birth and turned me into a male.
Anyway, LS, this is about you, not me. I can't imagine being in your situation; I don't know what I would do. But I think I would go with my heart. Life is too short not to live it to its fullest. This is not a rehearsal.
Anytime you want to talk, I'm glad to listen. If you would like to e-mail me, Jen has my address, and it's perfectly fine if e-mails it to you.
Your friend,
Bevvvvy
P.S.: I hope it felt good coming out of the closet. Please tell me you're feeling at least a little bit of relief. I know I do.
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Bev
#89222 - 07/12/04 08:40 PM
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You don't have to answer this, because it is strictly my curiosity that causes me to ask, but what is the name of the condition? I ask for no other reason than that it sounds interesting and I'm curious as to what happened.
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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AIS
#89228 - 07/12/04 09:09 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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When I was born, the doctors were baffled; they had no idea what was wrong with me. It wasn't until I was 38 years old that I finally got a diagnosis: "Testicular Feminization." You can find it on the web.
My support group (I no longer am a member) didn't like this terminology and changed it to "Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome" (or "AIS").
Our condition was featured on the Discovery Channel on a program called "Medical Miracles." I never thought of my condition as being that -- never.
Thanks for your interest.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Man, seems like you're cursed with diseases that need sexier names!
I looked it up and it's very interesting Bev... proves that our society is hung up on the idea that there are two sexes when that's just NOT TRUE. What I think is interesting about both your's and LS's deep dark secrets is that neither of them are anything shameful or wrong you did (unlike mine) but a natural thing that's shameful because of society. My secret was something wrong and bad I did, your secrets are only shameful because of other people's prejudices.
I'm sorry other people's prejudices have caused you pain. I think you're both wonderful amazing people who have overcome a lot and continue to do so. Real inspirations.
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You probably don't consider this a compliment, but you are a fascinating lady, Bev! I thought that already, but this just reinforced it!
Going along with what Jenny was saying, this opens the most interesting doors when it comes to gender identity. I wonder how many people with AIS feel like males (psychologically) but end up raised as girls? In that sense you are fortunate, because the female gender identity was a fit for you.
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I am honored by your trust and courage.
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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I really admire you! I think you are such a neat person. You have had some life. You really should write a book. I bet it would be a best seller book! Your life is fascinating.
You are so strong....you have truly been through so much! Would you please send me some of that strength??? I'm still young......I think I'm going to need it!!!
Thanks for sharing all that you do...it helps all of us here on the boards in our every day life's!
We love you Bevvy!!!!
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Edited by StephS (07/12/04 10:27 PM)
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Thanks for sharing! That must have been hard to keep that in! I was telling Bev she has been through so much.....and I think you have too.
I'm glad that you feel you can tell us here on the boards. I hope you life workes out the way you would like it to.
Thanks for sharing with us!
How are you doing? Hows the fibro?
Take care!
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I had a hard time with this all my life because, as I mentioned, I felt like a freak. No one knew what was wrong with me; the doctors wanted to send me to an institution for "research." As a young girl I wanted to be normal, like all the others.
I got very good at pretending I was just like my girlfriends.
When I turned 38 and finally got my diagnosis, it was a big relief. I had the necessary surgery (we've all had it) and told everyone it was a hysterectomy. No one -- not even my parents or my friends -- NO ONE -- knew the secret I held.
It wasn't until I turned 50 that I decided it was time for some relief. I told an office acquaintance -- not my parents, not my friends, but someone I worked with. To my great surprise, all she did was hug me.
I'm still not very good at telling people, but this exercise has been very relieving for me. I have no resentment about my situation, and I don't even break down when friends have babies (as so many of us do), EXCEPT when I hear of mothers who drown their babies, toss them into garbage bins or throw them from bridges. Then I confess I get angry with God. Why allow people like that to bear children but deny me? What did I do that was so horrific? I would have made a wonderful mother. Why did He hate me so?
Thank you both for your interest and understanding.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Steph
#89244 - 07/12/04 10:23 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Bless you!
You're a sweetheart. I wanted to open up, to let it out, to tell someone -- finally -- and it's a big relief. I hope it's also a relief for everyone else who has shared their secrets.
I'm amazed at what we've all gone through; it's no wonder we have IBS!
Thanks again, Pretty Lady!
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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WOW!
#89245 - 07/12/04 10:36 PM
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JBI
Reged: 01/25/04
Posts: 579
Loc: BC, Canada
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I normally come to this board for some light hearted chatting and the occasional flirting with the awesome ladies on here I had originally planned to stay out of this thread, I have some things that I don't want lots of people to know, but I can say this, I'm quite sure I'd feel comfortable telling most of the people on this forum. You really are a bunch of amazing people.
As the lettuce in my sub has made an unwanted return appearance and I'm still awake way past my bedtime, I figured I should comment on some of the amazing things.
LauraSue, what can I say. That's a brave thing to admit to yourself and to your husband. I hope that you are able to find a spot in your life where you are truely happy with your identity and the path you choose. But, I have to say I'm disappointed... I guess I won't be sending you all my uniform photos (kidding ) A few years after we broke up, my highschool sweet heart came out the closet. My reaction was "Ah, things make more sense now". I think she's a lot happier with things now.
Bev! that takes lots of guts, but it also shows how cool the people on this board and that we support you and we all totally respect who you are and still love ya! I too caught your earlier post but figured you'd elaborate if you wanted to so didn't press. I'm with the other folks here and kinda thought, wow, that's interesting. I saw a documentary on that condition and it's actually pretty intruiging, although I'm sure you didn't find it so.
As Chinagrl pointed out, it brings up so many different questions about the roles of gender in society. What makes us a certain way, what's genetic and what is influenced by society. That's something that I think would be a good discussion on the boards at another time.
Jen, that must have been a very tough thing to do. I commend you for wanting what was best for the baby and I wish you all the best if and when you decide that it's the right time for you to start a family.
Christine: It's a good song at least! Crushes where you know nothing will happen can be fun and it sounds as if you were smart about it.
Sheri, Michelle and Casey. It sounds like you have all worked through some incredible stuff. To be able to turn into such amazingly strong and not to mention good looking ( ya I know that has nothing to do with it but I thought I'd throw in a compliment ) women is something that you can be proud of forever.
You people really are incredible. I can honestly say that I am a better person for having known all of you and am glad to have you as my friends.
Jamie
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Bev!
#89246 - 07/12/04 10:56 PM
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peaches
Reged: 09/28/03
Posts: 1183
Loc: Fort Wayne, Indiana
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I've been meaning to post this up at some point but haven't had the time to sit down and type!
Bev, believe it or not my great-aunt has the exact same thing! She wasn't diagnosed until she was in her mid-to-late 40's since it really wasn't common, as you said, and I'm still not sure what treatments she's been through. I haven't seen her in a couple years, but we'd always known her symptoms. So when she was diagnosed, she announced it to us all at the family reunion we had about 2 months after her last hospital visit. She told us that they were discussing surgery and finding out everything they could. My uncle admitted that he had been a little taken aback by the news, although he said it was good to have a reason beacking up her odd symptoms. SO, back to it, I have (somewhat) personal experience, and I can tell by the way my aunt acted that day that it really does affect your life. But her personality is SO MUCH like yours! You guys are both so outgoing, very witty, and most of the time you just adore the people you're with and love to have a good laugh.
I thought I'd share this with you just to let you know how much I admire you and support you! I know that it also must not have been too easy to put it out here, but you must have been ready to since you fired up this thread So just know that I'm behind you 100% on this, even though I'm a tad sketchy on all the details. But I have researched it before in the past so I know most of what it deals with.
I admire your courage, honesty, and your outlook on life. These board definitley would not be the same without you!
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It comes down to the art of living on [color/red]
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Needless to say, I can't go through that again, too many tears, too much pain.
To be fair, here is a little run down,
Had a breakdown, h found me curled up in the bottom of a cold shower...no idea how long I had been there. That night was the beginning of a difficult struggle to be sane. Through about 6-8 years of therapy and scratching,crawling, and climbing my way back. I found that I had lost so much of my self, I will never get back. Singing and painting are gone, I miss it, I can't carry a tune in a bucket, and I can't hold a paintbrush to save my life. But, I discovered a love for silly poetry, had no idea about rhyme in the past, where it came from I don't know, but I do love it.
Darn it, I wish I hadn't lost that post...I do want to say, I have never considered myself a strong woman, my MOM and Grandmother, yes, never me. I feel strong for others, not myself. I love the person I am now, miss the one I lost. I cannot describe the pain, the year I walked through and never shed a tear, the same year my hands shook uncontrolably to the point of not being able to write my name. OK, I wrote it, but it looked like scratch. The meds I took played a huge part in this.
No one is perfect, we all have our sacrifices and secrets.
I think so much of everyone who had the strength to step forward. For those who couldn't, or just didn't have anything to say, I think so much of you too. If we were all the same, the world would have no reason to spin.
For me, my Faith in God carried me through. I am proud to know all of you and call you my friends.
Please forgive my spelling. I also had huge brain fart!!
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Unfortunately I cannot join in telling my deepest secret. Just can't seem to do that yet. I am at a point in my life where I understand why things happen and have let go a little bit and have learned to be kinder to myself.
I just want to tell you all how much I admire you and what wonderful people I think you are. The secrets don't matter, everything that happens to us in the past help make us the people we are today. I think there are great people on this board with kind caring hearts and knowing your secrets does not change the way I think or feel about any of you. We have all found each other because of a connection we shared with IBS. How lucky we are to be in a position to support each other and receive support on this site.
We all share a common bond of strength and courage even those who do not have secrets. Living day to day with IBS is not always an easy thing to do but we all manage and do a great job of it.
I am honored to know you all and proud to call you my friends.
Janey
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Janey
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OH my goodness.... I was just able to read SOME of these last night....it was past bedtime....
I can't think of any deep darkest secrets....but I may still think of one to share?
I'll read ALL posts in this thread later when I have LOTS of time and then reply.
You are all wonderful and BRAVE people.... no wonder I love hanging out here!
{{hugs}}
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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You put in writing what I was thinking but couldn't come up with the words to say. Very well said.....
I, too, cannot tell my deepest darkest secret. I feel that some things are better left unsaid or untold. I do admire those who have shared their past, though....as I know how difficult it must be to expose ourselves that way. Just goes to prove how much we trust each other here and how supporting this group of wonderful people are. I treasure that.
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Jessica
#89303 - 07/13/04 08:25 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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You are a sweetheart, you know that? You are!
How old is your aunt? Please give her my regards. I'd love to chat with her sometime. It's SOOOOO rare to find someone with this same condition -- well, this is the first time for me; I've NEVER found anyone before! Please tell me more about her. Did she and your uncle adopt any children? I can guarantee you that was really hard for her to tell you guys at the reunion. Was everyone shocked? How did they handle it? (I SOOOO hope they were supportive!) I assume she had the surgery, right? If not, those internal organs can -- and do -- become cancerous!
Thanks for your very kind words. I never thought of myself as a strong person, but I've always felt alone -- since I really HAVE been alone with this, burying my secret and shame. At times I confess to having fights with God about this -- I mean, what did I do to piss Him off so? -- but then I see others so much less fortune that I, and I realize God has just given me the answer.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Re: Bevrs
#89345 - 07/13/04 09:44 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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It doesn't matter to me one bit! I still think you are a great person and have a lot of great advice to share with us all! I'm glad you were brave enough to be the person you knew you were!
Hugs to you!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Re: Bevrs
#89359 - 07/13/04 10:04 AM
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BarbaraS
Reged: 02/12/03
Posts: 1939
Loc: Wisconsin
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Wow Bev I am so amazed you came out talk about your disease. I hope people become more aware of it and society doesn't shame wonderful people like you. My next paper will have to be on this topic.
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Re: LS
#89368 - 07/13/04 10:13 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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I'm glad you finally realize there is no shame in being gay. I have had some lesbian experiences and enjoyed them but I am straight. I wish your husband would be more understanding. Are you planning on staying married to him? Whatever you decide, you will always have friends here! Hold your head up high and enjoy life.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I just finished reading all of the posts in this thread while my supervisor is in a meeting. I'm feeling so many things right now. Inspiration, admiration, sadness, joy, comfort....and yes, I have to admit, shock. It's funny how we have all become such good friends and support each other so well, but yet it had never crossed my mind how different all of our pasts would be since we have so much in common with the IBS....like someone said..."no wonder we all have IBS". You are all amazing and I get so much inspiration from all of you. I commend you for sharing your secrets and I also commend those of us who wish not to.
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Wow, this has been a great thread. I was ashamed to admit to my drug addiction and was worried that everyone would think less of me, I see now that is not the case. I think everyone had been very brave and I hope these "secrets" will only streagthen the bond between us all!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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how much you all shared. I've only go through half of the post and plan to read the rest later. My 8 year old is giving me a hard time for being on the computer. You all have a good time and see ya all later.
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I haven't been on the board in a while but wow, all the things I missed. All of you are brave & just great people.
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Re: wow Jen!
#89374 - 07/13/04 10:20 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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I agree Jen, what a brave and selfless act. As you know I am having problems having a baby and adoption had been discussed in my house. Its great to know there are wonderful people like you that are strong enough to do what you did!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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WOW! I just wanted to say that it makes me no difference at all what sex you were or are now. Jeez, you had no control over any of that! What about the deep dark secrets that we DID have control over and just made poor decisions? Those are the hard ones for me to talk about...
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~Wookie
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God is a mystery Bev. I think the same way about things at times and I think we do it because we are humans and we rationalize (sp?) everything. I think we will all find out one day the answers to our questions. Just rest assure that it isn't that God hates you!! Maybe he allowed this to happen to you so you could relate with someone in some way that they needed. Who knows. I just wanted to add that God loves us all even when we don't understand. I bet you have an huge family in heaven someday!! Maybe it will be all the babies that were unwanted by their own mothers. HUGS!!
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~Wookie
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Bevrs, I debated on replying to this. Not because there is anything wrong with your "secret", that is nothing you had any control over whatsoever. But Bevrs, the only thing God hates is sin, and having AIS is not a sin. God has never hated you.
I know I wrestle with the same thing - why some folks who would be such awesome parents are denied that priviledge. I have an aunt and uncle that are childless, yet they have molded and shaped the lives of countless young people! I also have a cousin who abandons her children left and right, yet she has 4 kids.
I think it would be wrong to say any of us will ever have answers to all of the "why's" around us. But one thing I am sure of, God made you who you are. That was no accident. And who you are today - a compassionate, caring, giving individual who helps others and reaches out to others, is by design, not chance.
We all have the pain and suffering in our lives of wrong choices made, not only by ourselves but by others. That is inescapable in the world we live in. But it seems to me that you have been made special and have thrived through hardships that many would have crumbled beneath. That, Bevrs, is the miracle! You're loved by many, God included.
I hope I haven't offended. Just felt compelled to respond.
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God is Faithful!
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I just read further down the name of your condition. I did see a very interesting special on TV, the dicrovery channel or one of those. It profiled several people born with the condition and followed them through into adult hood. You shouldn't be ashamed of this at all, its not like you had any control over it! I still think you're one of the greatest people here!!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Re: LauraSue
#89404 - 07/13/04 11:28 AM
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CathUK
Reged: 05/25/04
Posts: 373
Loc: Cambridge, UK
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That must really be hard for you. I'm gay, but although I don't like to make a big deal about it and I don't feel it's a defining part of my personality, I have been very lucky. After denying it to myself for many years, once I left university I decided to make a clean break from the old me and came out to my family and friends - who were and are fantastic. Even better I then discovered that my best friend who I had lived with for a year was also gay and that she had fancied me all year (I had been trying pretend I wasn't attracted to her! She's completly amazing and we've been together ever since - three years on we're about to buy a house together and I've never been happier. I really thought I was going to be a lonely old spinster with only my cats for company! I hope eventually you find someone, as everyone deserves to be with a person they love.
I can only repeat what has been said - you're all amazing!
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Yes, the Discovery Channel had a program called "Medical Miracles," the one you saw. I saw it as well. Tough seeing it on TV, in front of God and everyone.
Thanks for your kind words, Michele. Let me just say, though, that your story totally blew me away. I can't believe what you've gone through -- and came out of, and you did it on your own. Amazing. You are an awesome woman!
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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I will share this in hopes that it might help someone else.
About 5 years ago, after a very stressful period in my life, I started having panic attacks. I cried all the time, didn't want to go out of my house, and I cancelled all of my social activities. Things that I normally enjoyed gave me no joy. Food (for the only time in my life) tasted like cardboard so I didn't eat---and I couldn't sleep at night. I didn't sleep for almost 2 weeks straight. As you can imagine, I was at the point of physical and emotional exhaustion. I felt like a zombie.
I didn't realize it then but I was going through a very serious bout of depression. I remember sitting in this chair in my living room thinking "I don't want to be here!" I was in such pain emotionally that I wanted to just die. I cannot describe it except to say that I was in my own little shell and I could not think rationally. My family, including my husband and parents, knew something was wrong, but they did not realize how bad it was. Their pleas for me to "just snap out of it" made me feel even worse. I could not understand how they could not see that I was drowning. I felt like a ghost. Couldn't they see and feel my pain?
I was literally hanging by a thread, and I remember praying, "Please, God, give me something to hang on to." For some reason, I remembered a little boy I had in a kindergarten class when I was doing substitute teaching. His mother had committed suicide and when the class made gifts for their mother for Mother's Day, he said very matter of factly, "My mother killed herself." At the time, I thought what a horrible thing for this child to live with. He thinks his mother didn't love him enough to live. I always felt so sorry for him.
When the mental picture of this little boy popped into my head, I thought, "Oh my God, I cannot do this to my boys. I do not want them to be left with that legacy--that their mother was selfish enough to end her life because she didn't love them enough." That was the thread I needed. I remember saying over and over again to myself, "I want to see my boys graduate from high school someday. I want to see them get married." And as tremendous as my emotional pain was, I held on to this tiny thread of hope that the future might bring me joy.
Realizing I would never pull myself out of the deep, dark hole I had fallen into, I somehow gathered the strength to go next door to my neighbor's house. It was early in the morning. I was still in my nightgown and I'm sure I looked like a ghost. Shaking and sobbing, I told my neighbor that I could not stay at the house by myself, that I was too afraid. She recognized what I was going through because her niece and daughter had been through the same thing. Thank God for these sweet neighbors whom I credit with literally saving my life. She followed me back to the house, waited for me to shower, called my insurance company and explained the situation, and then took me to the hospital. Fortunately, I saw a wonderful counselor and doctor helped me (over months) get my life back in shape.
I have since been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (more commonly known as manic depression.) I had had severe ups and downs in my mood for years, but never realized that's what it was. I found out that this chemical imbalance runs in my family. My aunt took her own life years ago, and the doctors think she probably had the disorder too. So I am fortunate to have the diagnosis and the treatment that goes with it.
I share this to help others realize what an invisible "disease" depression is. The emotional pain is so unbearable---unlike any physical pain I have ever endured. It is something that can come on suddenly and the person is usually unable to help themselves get through it. They are powerless to take action----until sometimes the rage and hopeless causes them to take that final action to give them relief from their pain.
The good news is my oldest son recently graduated from high school. I cried during this special time, not because he will be leaving the house soon, but instead, I cried tears of joy because I was there to see him receive his diploma. It seems like just yesterday when I hung on to this thought of the future. But I made it! And now I'm looking forward to seeing my other son graduate soon.
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what a well-articulated view of depression. i appreciate that! while i have never been suicidal, i certainly have been terribly depressed. i can appreciate the panic you must have been feeling. then it gets even worse and you're not even panicking anymore. that's the scariest bit of all but you're too out of it to know.
thank goodness you were still in-touch enough to go get help and that your neighbor was able to assist you. that's a real angel!
your story will probably help people out... it was very brave and kind of you to share it.
glad you have found your answers and are getting the right treatment. as you know, depression (bipolar varieties included) are biochemical actions not something you can control.
SMOOCHES!
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I'm so glad to hear your story. So glad you got help, too. My Mother was bipolar, manic depressive for yrs and yrs and yrs. She started with her problems in the 60's , so you can imagine the pain and struggle it was for my whole family. I grew up always knowing I needed to help my Mother. She went thru yrs of medication testing until finally Lithium came out. Any way my story goes on and on if you are interested.
I know the pain from the outside not from the inside.. 
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-----Marilyn-----
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-----Marilyn-----
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I admire everyone who contributed to this thread with their secrets and all those who responded with love and support. I am constantly being reminded what makes this board so great.
Unfortunately, though, I'm going to have to plead the fifth on this one as some of our deepest, darkest secrets are too fresh to dwell on.
- Jennifer
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- Jennifer
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You all are brave. maybe one day I'll tell somethings, too.
Thanks for sharing and I wish all of you much happiness. We all have problems and I agree that they make us who we are--- in the long run.
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-----Marilyn-----
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Thank you for sharing! I am touched and encouraged! Amazing how things worked together to bring you to this point! You are a tremendous testimony! Thanks!
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God is Faithful!
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Edited by StephS (07/13/04 10:36 PM)
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And pleading the fifth is fine too. My "secret" is one that I've had a few years to live with, mull over, feel guilty about, etc. If this thread had come up 6 months ago (and I'd been here at the time, heh), I doubt I would have said anything. It's been a long process. Even with what I did tell, I still didn't tell the whole story.
Know what's interesting, though? It actually felt kind of good to let it out. I never thought I'd say that. (And I'm not adding that to try to coerce you into letting out your secret... it's just a general observation.)
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Bev.
#89443 - 07/13/04 12:21 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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Bev,sweetheart----
Thank you for sharing your story. I know it must not be easy to talk about this--- to anyone. I had a friend in high school who had three nipples and I remember the emotional ordeal she went through during her adolescent years. Gym class (where we were forced to all undress in front of each other) was painful for her, and dating was even worse. I cannot imagine the emotional pain this has put you through over the years, but I am glad that you seem to be at peace with it now.
I hate to hear you say, though, that you have wondered if God punished you by giving you this condition. Although we don't know why bad things happen to good people, I don't believe God punishes people by letting things like this happen. You are a strong and beautiful person regardless of how you were born---and God put us all here for a reason! Look how much joy and encouragement you have given to all of us on the board. I love reading your posts because they always make me smile.
I think you are a wonderful person---inside and out, so please don't let this get you down. I sense that you feel a relief by disclosing this, but you know what, it doesn't matter to me, one way or the other, you're the same ol' Bev!!!!
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Oh man Steph... that really sucks. I'm glad you managed to work it out, but I can't imagine how that must have felt. Thanks for sharing. You were such a strong person to deal with that and being pregnant at the same time, and to give him so many chances. (When my husband did the same thing, before we were married, I punched him. Generally I think violence is a bad thing, but... it was my first instinct.)
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Quote:
And pleading the fifth is fine too. My "secret" is one that I've had a few years to live with, mull over, feel guilty about, etc. If this thread had come up 6 months ago (and I'd been here at the time, heh), I doubt I would have said anything. It's been a long process. Even with what I did tell, I still didn't tell the whole story.
Know what's interesting, though? It actually felt kind of good to let it out. I never thought I'd say that. (And I'm not adding that to try to coerce you into letting out your secret... it's just a general observation.)
Thanks for understanding. I'm sure in a few years it will feel good to let it all out - just not now.
- Jennifer
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- Jennifer
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Hell, I feel super uncomfortable talking about mine 9 years later!
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When I was 6 years old, I was molested by my mom's boyfriend. He told me if I told my mom that he would kill her and I believed that. I will spare most details but I remember after he would molest me he would make me take a bath and then spank me while I was wet. I told myself that I would never tell unless I was asked because I wouln't lie. My mom and I lived with him out of state. I always hated him even before he did what he did to me. I think I just had to have sensed his evil because I didn't know what hate was at age 6. As a child, I was an excellent artist. I drew a picture of a poison bottle and a guy was drinking it. I took it to my mother and said isn't this pretty mommy? She said what is this Davina (that is my name-doe is my nickname). So I told her it was David (the man who molested me) dying. My mom was very disturbed and asked me who drew it, I said, I did. She almost couldn't believe it b/c the drawing looked as if an adult drew it. I vaguley remember drawing the picture. She packed up a suit case and we left for the airport. Unfortunatly, he met us at the pay phone and held a gun to my mom's side. We had to go back with him. After months later, we were successful at escaping. Once I was back home, I was caught playing 'nasty' with my neighbor friend. We were both the same age. I have great guilt today because of my actions. I am just getting to the point to realize I didn't know any better. Once we were caught, my grandma asked me if David ever touched me. I said yes. She told my mother. My mother pulled me in a room and told me to never lie like that again. I told her it was true and then she told me that I was lieing. We were living with my mom's little brother at this time. David found us and one night he crawled in our window. My mom called for my unlce and my uncle went ahead and pulled him inside the house and beat him with a bat. Then threw him out in the yard and called the police. Months later, he was still in a body like cast. My mom moved me around to several schools growing up. Once I ended up going to school with David's kids. They knew me and I knew them but we never acted as if we did. I don't know if they knew or what. I do know I just wanted to forget about all of it. When I was about 12 years old my mom said she had a question. She asked if that was actually true and I said yes. She broke down. Asked me what happened and I told her the specifics. She cried and cried and I comforted her. As a kid, I rarely cried and my mom often thought something was wrong with me. I think that is how I protected myself as a child. I had to be strong so I was! To this day I don't know where David is but I do know he even molested his own little girl. Sometimes I struggle with the pain and find myself trying to find him on the internet to see if he was ever caught. Or looking in the obituaries hoping that he died. A few months after I had came out and told my family, my grandma committed suicide. My mom and her weren't on good terms at that time. I sometimes have guilt that I was the reason. She did write a suicide letter and didn't mention it though. Her last sentence was, tell Davina she was my favorite. Okay, tears.. The End.
p.s. I am named after my mom's older brother David in case you were wondering.
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~Wookie
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Wow. Thank you for sharing that. I can't imagine how horrible it must have been to go through all of that. I'm not sure what to say besides congratulations on being a survivor and making it through.
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Re: My secret
#89465 - 07/13/04 01:16 PM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Oh Sweetie, that must have been hell. I'm not sure what to say either other than you turned out to be a great person despite the terrible things that happened to you. Please don't ever feel guilty about any of it. Thanks for sharing, that was very brave!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Doe,
That is so horrible. I truly wish people like that would just kill over and die. What a brave young girl and grown woman you are! That take's a lot off courage to open up about that. That is one of my biggest fears is to have that happen to one of my kids.
I hope that you are able to have a relationship with your mom. What a tuff thing for the both of you to go through.
Thanks for your courage to share!
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OH BEV!!
#89472 - 07/13/04 01:43 PM
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RachelT
Reged: 07/01/04
Posts: 2350
Loc: Minnesota
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Quote:
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special- Don't EVER forget it."
Bev, I thought of you when I read this post from Kree. You did'nt do anything to deserve the cards you were dealt! That's just how God intended it. You've probably heard this before, but I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe if you were born any other way, something worse would have happened. I know we've only known eachother for a short time, but I think you are a wonderful person!!!! I always look forward to your posts because you know how to put a smile on my face.
{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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I forgave my mom when it happened. Then as I got to be a teen, I felt a lot of hate for her. I never really brought it up but was just hateful towards her mainly. See after my grandma commited suicide, my mom moved back to Texas with David. That was hard to swallow but I barely understood what had happened to my grandma. My mom left me with a friend of the family and it didn't work out long before she called my dad to come and get me. Then I would have to come over to her house and call my mom and act as if I was still living with her. My mom eventaully found out that I was with my dad and came to his house. He was so furious with my mother's actions that he offered a certain amount of money to her to get her out of my life for good. She took me away immediatly and I didn't see him until I was a teen. My dad and I have never had much of a relationship because of those lost years.
My mom was molested by her uncle her entire life and raped at the age of 20 by another man. I am not sure but I think deep down my mom didn't want to believe that she allowed that to happen to her own child. In my opinion, she didn't allow it..it happened without her knowing. She is very sorry now and I have forgiven her. I know my mom loves me with her entire being because she has spent many years showing me. My mom is my best friend. She is my rock today. It is hard for people to understand I am sure. Forgiving her helps me to live a happy life today if that makes any sense. Thanks for your response. I feel some relief already.
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~Wookie
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Here's my deepest darkest secret....but I already poured it all out on here months ago so this is just a repeat to those who have read it already:
Quote:
The last thing I thought I'd ever be doing is pouring out my heart on a message board. I'm not usually one to talk about my feelings....maybe I've kept everything bottled up too long and that's why I'm crashing right now.
This whole childhood thing today really got to me. I've never really talked to anyone about how things were when I was growing up.
I was pretty young when my dad died. I didn't get to know him as much as I would have liked...but I have really great memories of him.
After he died my mom had a lot of different guys around. I don't really remember anyone specific until she met my step-dad. He had a really huge drug problem. He did heroine and a bunch of other stuff. By the time I was 9 my mom was an addict.
I guess cause I was really young and vulnerable it never even crossed my mind to ask anyone for help.
My mom got pregnant and they married soon after that...which was about the same time that the son of a family friend started to sexually abuse me. This went on for a couple years....until one day it just stopped for no apparent reason. I was too scared to tell anyone...and I still haven't told anyone yet (except you guys now).
My half-brother was born when I was 10 years old and my parents just weren't capable of taking care of a child. So my grandmother took care of him during the day and then after school and on weekends I took care of him. Everyone in my family knew the conditions we were living in but never did anything to help us. I still don't know why. So I raised my little brother as best I could.
When I was about 14/15 my parents drug addiction got really bad and they became physically abusive. I would say one thing that they didn't like and would end up bruised and bleeding. I tried as hard as I could to take it all and protect my brother. I'd rather take 100 beatings than have him take even one.
After the abuse got too horrible I went to The Children's Aid Society. They took my brother and I out of my parents house and we stayed with my grandparents for a month or so and then finally we were forced to go back home (my parents were good at pretending everything was just wonderful) and so I went home and counted the days until I was 16 and I could leave that horrible place.
On my 16th birthday I packed my stuff and left home. My family members didn't want to help me cuz they thought that I should have stayed at home. I had no place to go...I slept in a phone booth for a week and stayed on and off with friends until my grandmother finally realized that I wasn't going home. I moved in with her for a year...but felt so guilty about leaving my poor brother behind.
After about a year my dad decided to go to rehab and get off the drugs. I went home for a visit and saw a huge change in him so I agreed to move back in (and I couldn't stand being apart from my brother any longer).
It turned out that my mom had no interest in gettting sober so my dad moved out with my brother and told me I could move in with them if I wanted to. I felt too guilty leaving my mom behind by herself so I stayed. I guess I still had this niave idea in my head that maybe she could change...that all I needed to do was stick by her and she could do it. I was terribly wrong. She got worse and worse until one night she tried to strangle me and I left at 3am to go to my dad's and never went back.
After I moved in with my dad things were actually normal. He was getting sober and was actually a real dad!! I remember the first time he bought me balloons on my 18th birthday...I cried so hard cuz I was so happy he was atually sober and capable of doing these things for his family.
My mom has never gotten better unfortunately. She still has a serious drug problem. She stops calling us for months at a time and then calls up one day like nothing ever happened. My brother is now 13 years old and I know it hurts him so much that his mother is not capable of loving him like she should. I'm constantly trying to protect him...I buy him presents at christmas and put her name on them so he won't be hurt that she didn't get him anything. Maybe I shouldn't do that...but I just can't stand the thought of my brother being hurt. He's been through enough as it is.
I can't seem to let go of my feelings about my mother. I feel like I hate her so much for what she puts us through...but at the same time I still love her and feel sorry for her and part of me yearns for a relationship with her. I know it could never happen....but for some reason I just can't let it go. I allow her to hurt me over and over again and I still keep forgiving her. I worry about my brother every single day...and it hurts me so much that she makes so many promises to him that she can't keep...and just the look of disapointment and hurt on his face...it tears my up.
I have managed to finish university and have a full-time job and am enrolled in a graduate course...so I've always got lots to keep me occupied...but I guess sometimes (like today) I just break down and don't know what to do or who to talk to. I feel like there's nobody who can understand me....
Anyway...thanks for listening...I've never actually told anyone any of this stuff before...I may chicken out and delete this later...but I think it's helped just getting all that stuff out.
So there it is....it turns out I'm not as strong as I pretend to be all the time....I've become an expert at playing the "I always have everything under control" act....but I'm working on it....just promise not to tell anyone!!!
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Thanks for your response! I do feel that I have finally moved from being the victim to the survior in the past year. I have stuggled with major depression for the past 4 years and it has let up in the past few months. I quit the anti-depressants and everything which was really scary for me because I couldn't function without them. Tears would flow out of my eyes and I wouldn't even be upset. It was uncontrollable. I think it was from having to be so strong as a child that once I was a young adult my body and emotions just broke down for a while. Years without crying at all and then going to crying when I wasn't sad all the time. It has been a journey but I am a better person for it. I want to be a therapist someday so I can help others who suffered through these types of situations. Thanks again!
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~Wookie
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~Wookie
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Cath, Thank you, THANK You, THANK YOU!!! I knew there had to be someone else on the board who's gay, just by law of averages! I'm SO glad you and your best friend discovered your love for one another. Congratulations on your three years together and on buying a house together. That is SO totally awesome.
And actually as you probably know, it was harder BEFORE I realized I was gay. I was confused, angry, and unhappy. When I finally figured it out (at the age of 42 or so -- I'm what's known as "a late-blooming lesbian!") it was SUCH a relief. It suddenly made sense of my entire life!! I was just THRILLED about it!! I've come out to many friends and co-workers and just this year told my mom, who was wonderful about it. My sister and brother don't know yet, because I'd like to tell them in person. I'm seeing my sister later this month and I hope will have the opportunity to talk to her about it.
I do love Andy. That's the funny thing. He's my soul mate, my best friend, my boon companion, sweet, supportive, funny and smart -- he's just the wrong freakin' gender!! Even if he is a little dense about why we're not having sex!!
Anyway, Cath, thanks again! You rock!!
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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LauraSue, I can't imagine being in your position. It has to be so frustrating. While I admire your committment to Andy, do you intend to never act on your desires?
I am so glad that your family has been supportive. It makes it so much easier. I have quite a few gay friends, some of whom their families were supportive and some not.
I think you are very strong and I have the utmost respect for you. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to tell your husband.
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lovejoy_22
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Re: LauraSue
#89490 - 07/13/04 02:25 PM
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CathUK
Reged: 05/25/04
Posts: 373
Loc: Cambridge, UK
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I know what you mean about loving someone - you can love people totally and not be attracted to them, but they are the best friend you could have in the world. I have male friends who I can see would be a perfect catch .. but that attraction just isn't there.
Personally, before I admitted it to myself, I just thought I was kind of asexual - didn't feel anything for anyone. Tara (my gf) is the only person, male or female, I've ever been with and I didn't get together with her until I was 24. My family was actually happy when I told them as they couldn't work out why I was so unhappy/hadn't dated anyone. they thought it was because I was shy and underconfident. The first thing my elderly grandparents did was invite Tara on holiday - now THATs cool!!
I just wish the rest of the world was so understanding, then you can stop pretending. I always get so jealous when I see couples together in parks etc as I think - why can't I do that. Perhaps I could, but I do't think I'm that confident and I know it upsets some people!!
Perhaps the most surprising thing for me is that we're all just normal people - not these scary butch sterotypes that you get thrown at you through the media as you grow up. My sisters boyfriend says that we have ruined all his lesbian fantasies because we are just a normal happy couple, regardless of gender.
Anyway, I've waffled on long enough ... I'm going to bed for a few hours of insomnia, before I have to drag myself off to the hell that is work!
If you ever fancy a chat I'm pretty much always around the boards - I've become completly addicted as you have all helped me through some rough times.
Take care,
Catherine
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Re: WOW!
#89491 - 07/13/04 02:26 PM
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Wookie
Reged: 04/01/04
Posts: 247
Loc: n/a
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Jeez!! Your a trooper!! Your brother is lucky to have you in his life. I bet if I looke up strong female in the dictionary, I would see your pretty picture. I admire you for being so brave to share your experience, especially since it was your first time to share.
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~Wookie
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Wow that was an amazing story to share! I totally agree with what you are saying about depression. It is dark and ugly, I have been there. My grandma killed herself and my mom has attempted many, many times. When I was going through my depression which is what they call 'major depression' I wanted to die too. I didn't have the strength to do it though. I would just pray that God would take me some how. I just didn't want to live. I felt like the girl I was, was dead now. Still to this day, 4 years later, I am not quite the same girl. Life is tough and we change all the time. Thanks for sharing. Your story gave me goosebumps..especially when you prayed to God and he answered.
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~Wookie
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~Wookie
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Davina
#89537 - 07/13/04 03:37 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Bless you! What a story. I'm just blown away. How did you survive all this, and come out as well as you have?!
I said this in a previous post in this thread, but it bears repeating. It's no WONDER we have IBS!
Davina (I love that name), do you prefer we call you Doe?
I want to say how sorry I am that you and your mom and grandma had to go through this. It's horrible, just horrible -- but you were NOT responsible for grandma's suicide, don't even go there. I think she was trying to tell you that in her last sentence.
God bless!
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Been reading the posts the last day or so and have only one thing to say and that is: every time I see your pic come up I think geez she looks like such a classy looking lady and after hearing your story I want you to know that I still think that!
I guess that I must lead a pretty boring life (which sometimes in this case could be good)cause I could not come up with a single dark secret. The pathetic thing is the only thing that comes to mind is that every time I go grocery shopping and it's time to buy that big, huge, darn dog food bag, I stick it at the bottom of my cart and purposely don't tell the check out girl that I have it. Saves me $16 each time. Don't think I've paid for dog food in years. Now how sad it that! Hope the grocery police aren't reading the threads!
Anyway, the courage and bravery of all who did post their real dark secrets deserve metal of honors! My heart goes out to each and everyone who opened up some terrible pasts!
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~~~Lisa~~~
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Thank You, BL
#89546 - 07/13/04 03:54 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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What a story! Amazing. Thank you for sharing it. I hope it gave you some relief. I know sharing mine gave me a LOT.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Spring of my freshman year of college, I felt like my world was falling apart. I was constantly getting sick (undiagnosed IBS I later found out), I was eating 1 meal a day, I was down to 85 lbs (I'm 5'4"). I had cheated on my boyfriend with a good friend of mine and began dating that friend, which blew up in my face, but not because of my boyfriend. My friend's very possessive ex-girlfriend, who was also a friend of mine, made my life a living hell, and made me feel like I was the worst person in the world for being with my friend. We ended up breaking up because we couldn't handle dealing with her. My father had been in a serious car accident earlier that year, and was very different due to the pain and the meds (I've always been a daddy's girl and very close to my dad). I was very lost and lonely, and took to taking walks to an old bridge in Philly and sitting on the ledge of one of the pillars. I almost jumped the one night, decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I was also cutting myself, slashing the hell out of my lower legs with a pair of scissors and then shaving my legs to make it hurt worse (basically I felt like I had to punish myself). The only thing that stopped me from jumping was the though of my youngest brother, who I'm close to and who it would devastate if something happend to me. I couldn't do that to him. I managed to pull my life back together once I moved back home for the summer a few weeks later. I no longer really speak to either the friend I had cheated on my boyfriend with, nor his ex-girlfriend. My boyfriend and I got back together that summer, but broke up later that year due to just personality differences. I still struggle with cutting sometimes. I have twice since that spring, but the last time was last November. There are times I still want to, but my current boyfriend and my best friend know about the past two times, and it hurts them when I hurt myself, so that's the main thing that keeps me from doing it. My parents don't know, and I don't think I could ever tell them. I actually started cutting when I was in high school because my mother was very emotionally and physically abusive (and refused to admit it, anytime anyone suspected I was abused, I was lying according to my mom and my dad, though my dad never touched me). whew, enough for now...
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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I have just now been able to read some of the secrets from today. I just want to say that I can't believe some people can be so MEAN and hurt other people. I feel for all of you that have been abused. That is so sad.
And I can't post to everybody but I just wanted YAWL to know that I was thinking about you. I admire all of you for the good people you turned out to be in spite of all of these horrible things that have happened.
Also, all of you that have had depression, etc., I have been exposed to this in my own family. My niece is manic/depressive and also has a drug problem. I can't count the number of times she was taken by ambulance because she cut herself up or had seizures from withdrawal. I am having a very hard time dealing with that...mainly because she doesn't seem to want any help. It is very frustrating for me.
Whew!!! Now, I am going to read the "funny names" for everybody and have a good laugh.
Barbie
PS: I feel like a wet noodle today.....tired from no sleep and working all day... OH ME (sigh)
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Kimm:
#89588 - 07/13/04 06:35 PM
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Sheri01
Reged: 04/19/04
Posts: 1731
Loc: New Jersey
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Now I am crying ! That is so sad, I am so happy that you were woman enough at such a young age to be there for your brother. I am sure you are the most important person to him, and possibily the best thing that ever happened to him. I know all about going back to abusive family members, and then them turning on you again. Not quite to that extreme.
Big hug for you- you are just another example of someone who has come out stronger than before from going through so much.
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-Sheri
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Doe
#89589 - 07/13/04 06:41 PM
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Sheri01
Reged: 04/19/04
Posts: 1731
Loc: New Jersey
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Davina is such a pretty name! I am not exactly sure how to pronounce it, though I think I have the idea
Thank you for sharing, I find that amazing that someone can have the forgiveness in them that you do. I am happy for you that you still have your mom.
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-Sheri
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beaglelover
#89591 - 07/13/04 06:51 PM
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Sheri01
Reged: 04/19/04
Posts: 1731
Loc: New Jersey
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Hey,
I know what you are going through... I have been battling depression since i was in the third grade. it runs in my family. My mother can get really bad, and still does. Some people that do not experience it truly do not understand, I beleive.
I am so happy that you have been able to work through it, and hope you can stay off meds. ( I have been med free for years, even though I was only on them on and off for a couple)
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-Sheri
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I had a chance to sit down tonight and read through this thread, and I have to say that I admire each and every one of you. I had tears in my eyes reading about what you've all endured, yet felt so proud of the wonderful men and women you've all turned out to be. I feel proud to be a part of this group. You all are very special people and should be applauded for your strength and courage.
I wish I had something to share, but my subconscious isn't letting me dwell into that dark part of my mind right now. And my "secrets" aren't really secrets, but more like inner personal demons that I struggle with on a daily basis.
Big hugs and kisses to you all!
Kristine
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I did the math.. or tried... did you get married at sixteen?
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Re: Jessica
#89637 - 07/13/04 10:26 PM
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peaches
Reged: 09/28/03
Posts: 1183
Loc: Fort Wayne, Indiana
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Well, they decided to take in foster children instead of adopt, because they felt too old to be real parents (They're in their very late 50's now - 58 or 59, I believe) but still wanted to care for some. Now she's too sick to care for any, but they enjoyed it for the many years they did.
At the reunion we were all more interested rather than shocked, because we'd never even heard of it before. We all jsut sat for about an hour and a half and asked her questions about it, even though she didn't have too many answers herself! I believe she did have the surgery. She also has a brain tumor that she routinely has to go under the knife for, because it grows very quickly! She pretty much lives at the hospital, and only goes home for about one week every three months. They live on a farm in the middle of no where, and have to drive an hour to Columbus (they live in Ohio) to get to the hospital. It's been hard for her, but she's very cheery whenever we go and see her. We haven't seen her in about a year or so now, because they live about three hours away and we don't have too much extra time. She doesn't have a phone in her hospital room, because she's usually asleep all day My uncle is very, very good to her. They made him a small "room" in the corner of her bedroom so he has a place to sleep at night.
I still don't know that much about her or the condition, since I was very young at the time. But I do know that this is for sure the syndrome, and that she's been dealing with it and the brain tumor at the same time. It's been hard for her, but she's a fantastic person
I hope this helped ya any, Bev!! And I think the others had some great thoughts on the God factor - I don't quite know exactly what to say except for to repeat that you didn't do anything. There's some reason for your having it, and it must be a good one! It doesn't seem good to any of us, but to Him, it's just all part of the plan! Take care, Bevvy!!
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It comes down to the art of living on [color/red]
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No I was 17 almost 18. I was married in April and turned 18 in July. I was pretty young!!!!
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Sheri01
#89666 - 07/14/04 05:19 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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So you know what depression is like too. Yes, it's hard to explain to someone who has not been through it. My husband looks at me like I'm nuts when I try explaining it. He has no clue what it feels like. For years, I thought everyone felt like this at times. Because that was normal for me, I thought it was normal for everybody!
I fought the diagnosis for awhile, going from doctor to doctor. AFter the 7th doctor told me I had bipolar, my husband said, "When are you going to accept this?" So I've resigned myself to the fact that I will probably always have to be on medication. Right now, I'm taking a "vacation" from it, and like usual when I do this, I will probably sink soon. I can usually feel myself spiralling downward and have to get back on it. I hate taking it mostly because of the weight gain it causes!!!
Anyway, thanks for your reply.
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Doe
#89667 - 07/14/04 05:22 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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I should have known some of the people on this board have also suffered from depression. I can imagine you going through that after all you have been through! I do not know how you survived over the years! You are a very strong person.
It is amazing how our past has given us strength and made us all different people. Although I would never wish my situation on anyone, it has caused me to be a much more emphathic person.
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Marilyn
#89668 - 07/14/04 05:25 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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So you fully understand the ups and downs of bipolar disorder. I know that must have been hard on you as a child watching your mother go through that. I hope that I have not put my boys through hell with my moods!
By the way, where in North Carolina are you? I'm in the Queen City. Do you know where that is?
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One day the pit bulls are gonna show up at your back door frothing at the mouth, begging for that stolen food!!!!!!!! You are so bad!
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Kimm
#89671 - 07/14/04 05:32 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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Wow! You are an amazing person to have survived all of this. You could have easily followed that same path, but you furthered your education and made your life so much better. You should be so proud of yourself---and your brother is one lucky guy to have a sister like you.
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Doe
#89672 - 07/14/04 05:35 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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What an amazing story of strength and survival! I don't know if I would've been strong enough to come through that.
Thanks for sharing your story.
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Gigi
#89674 - 07/14/04 05:40 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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If you read my post, you know that I can relate to your situation. I have been there. It does hurt to "talk" about our deepest, lowest moments, yet in some ways, it helps. It reinforces the fact that we're all strong people who have survived!!!!!!! God bless you.
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I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your feelings. It must be hard for you to put into words how you feel, especially not knowing how people will respond.
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Sheri01
#89677 - 07/14/04 05:50 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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Yes, all of that is behind you, and you learned so much from it. Now you have your whole future ahead of you! You are so young---and have so many wonderful years to look forward to. (Boy, don't I sound like the old wise one, giving you advice? I just wish I were as young as you are.)
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Steph....
#89678 - 07/14/04 05:52 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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I would respond to your post, but I'm so naive that I'm not even sure what cyber sex is. Duh!!!!! (I can only imagine.) I live too sheltered a life! Ha!
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Hey, I believe the Queen City is Charlotte, NC. I'm in Kernersville....Do you know where that is??
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-----Marilyn-----
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Kernersville... I've heard of it, but no, I don't know where it is. Northeast of Charlotte??? We've only been in NC 3 years (I'm from Louisiana), so I don't know where all these little towns in NC are.
Where is it?
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Marilyn
#89690 - 07/14/04 06:36 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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I looked up Kernersville online. It said it was a small town somewhere in the Winston-Salem, Greensboro, and High Point triad. In furniture land? Or tobacco land? Or both?
What's it like?
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Right outside of Winston-Salem...... We also have a house at Lake Norman.. I'm sure you've prob. heard of Lake Norman.. Right near Charlotte.
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-----Marilyn-----
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Re: Bev
#89694 - 07/14/04 06:43 AM
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Wookie
Reged: 04/01/04
Posts: 247
Loc: n/a
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Your too sweet! I don't mind you guys calling me by my name, Davina. Thanks for the kind words. Yes, it is no wonder we all have the IBS! Thing is, I think I was born with IBS because I came home from the hospital with constipation. My first BM was from an enema. But the stress of life certainly can contribute! I think you are just awesome for surviving all you have went through. You give me a lot of imspiration every day that I come here. Just think of all the people that you must inspire that don't even post. Thanks for sharing your story too!!
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~Wookie
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Yes, I do know where Lake Norman is!!!! That's a beautiful area! I'm in South Charlotte-- near Weddington.
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Let's see if I can tell you how to pronouce Davina. Okay, here goes.. Duh veena. I think that is about as close as I can explain. Thanks for the nice things you said. Funny thing is, I learned this forgivness thing from my mom. I have watched some of our family do terrible things to my mom and her just forgive and forget. I always told her she put up with too much from people. Then I got older and went through some things in life and realized that mistakes are made by all of us daily. However, it is much harder to forgive the person who sexually abused you. Now that is the challenging part of it! Thanks again!
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~Wookie
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I got pregnant when I was 16. My boyfriend at the time wanted me to have an abortion (I was 5 1/2 months at the time), when I didn't he deserted me and denied it was his. I had the baby and gave her up in a private adoption (she's now 27 this year and I have never seen her). I knew there were no options for me -- my mom & dad hadn't been getting along for a long time (dad was an alcoholic and abusive) shortly after this they divorced. I knew it was the right decision so that the baby would have a good home and 2 loving parents - much more than I could give her. After that I went back to high school, graduated and then got a good job and helped my Mom after the divorce.
I've never told this to anyone and have struggled with self esteem and confidence issues over my entire life. I wound up in a bad first marriage because of my issues. I never felt I was quite as good or worthy as other people because of my mistake and what if anyone found out. What would they think. I still don't think I would discuss it anywhere but here.
After reading the posts for the past 3 days, all of you are so warm-hearted and compassionate and understanding for each other, it made me feel that I could finally speak of it.
Thanks
Barbara
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I am glad that I did share with all of you guys. I feel this connection to all of you. I get inspired everyday just reading the words off the pages here. It is strange because I knew all these things that happened to me but now at the age of 27 have just put the entire story together. I just saw bits and pieces growing up but once you get older it is like putting a puzzle together. It helped me realize why I suffered with depression in my early 20s and such. I think God just helped me look at things in my mind that way to protect me so I could come through it. I also think I went through that to help someone else through someday. That is where the healing truley is!
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~Wookie
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Barbara
#89699 - 07/14/04 06:57 AM
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jenX
Reged: 08/11/03
Posts: 3252
Loc: Richmond, VA
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you did a good thing, not something to be ashamed of. i'm proud of you. now go do something nice for yourself! you're a tough, smart lady and you've earned a reward!
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I think you are 100% right! Life well beat you up really good sometimes. Once I had a few rounds with life as an early adult, I forgave people in my life. It is like you see why they made their mistakes too. None of us our perfect and we are all just needing to be loved. You know the song, All You Need Is Love!
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~Wookie
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AWWWWW, but you ARE so worthy!!! You did the most unselfish thing a woman or mother could do,you were smart enough to realize your baby would have a better life with 2 loving parents.You did what was best for both of you at the time,don't ever feel bad for that,i bet that girl would thank you today for not aborting her and loving her enough to give her the best possible life! You have my upmost admiration,your a strong woman,hold your head high!!!Hugs~~~Tanya
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Sorry if I choked you up. I didn't have time to reply to this yesterday. I was trying to read all the stories. And WOW they are amazing! I just wanted to tell you that I think it was an awesome thing that you did with your baby. I see people that can't even take care of their kids and that don't really care. I think of them as selfish to not be able to put their child first. It is hard being the bigger person in life! You are the bigger person for giving a family something they couldn't give themselves. Your a real blessing!
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~Wookie
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I am so proud of all of you for being able to share your stories....there are a group of very strong and courageous people on this board and I'm so grateful to be able to know all of you!!
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oh wow.. you were really young.. I didn't think it was legal to get married under 18.. however, what do I know?!? probably not much.
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Well I did have to have my parents there. If they weren't present I don't think I could have.
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Barbara!
#89741 - 07/14/04 07:51 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Barbara, you and Jen both should be commended for your courage and wise decisions. Thank you SOOO much for giving life to this young lady AND giving her a comfortable home. Just think of what might have happened to her had you not been so loving and considerate.
I hope that "disclosing" your secret has given you some relief; It's been extremely cathartic for me -- yesterday I was emotionally drained with a feeling of lightness, like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Allowing others to see your weakness AND strength makes you more human -- more approachable -- in everyone's eyes, but it also shows others how much you've gone through in your life. I have tremendous respect for what both you and Jen have done. If I were your young 27 year-old, I would want to meet you and thank you.
You asked, "what would they think?" I can tell you, they'd think you're an incredible woman.
Thank you for sharing!
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Re: Barbara!
#89761 - 07/14/04 08:13 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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I agree with Bev. Everyone makes mistakes. Now don't beat yourself up about it. You did what was best for your baby---and that was a very courageous thing to do. Look at the life you gave her---when she was born and when you gave her a loving home. I can't imagine how hard that was, but what a wonderful thing to do! Just imagine the joy and love you brought to this couple who wanted so badly to have a family.
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Re: Barbie
#89888 - 07/14/04 10:42 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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I know how hard it must be to watch your neice be so destructive to herself. I have been in that self destruct mode. I'm sure you read my "secret." The only advice I can offer is to keep letting her know you are there and care for her no matter what. Unfortunately, there probably isn't a lot anyone can do for her until SHE decides she is ready to change and ready for help. If she truely does have a mental condition, such as manic depresive or something, than she probably needs meds to help control that. Otherwise, she has to decide she is ready to change. I have had friends in that kind of situation as well as being there myslef, and that decidion had to come from within. You can send someone to "rehab" or an "institution" but ultimitaley, she has to want to get better.
Just keep reasurring her that you are there when she is ready and you will help her and won't judge her no matter what. A lot of people are too ashamed of what others are going to think of them, afraid they will be looked down upon for the bad decisions they have made. As frustrating as it is, the best thing I think you can do is just let her know you will always love her no matter what and you are there when she is ready for help. I truely hope she realizes how much she is loved!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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As you probably know I went through the 'major depression' somewhat different from manic but still severe depression. One night I went to a friend of the families house and I was so upset that even she didn't know what to do. She called her friend who is a social worker. The social worker was also a friend of mine named Lynda. Lynda came in the door and I will never forget what she said. She said come here and give me a hug and I did. I just clung to her. She said you just need LOVE Davina and that is all. I was convinced I needed to be in a mental institution it was so bad at times and this woman said you just need someone to show you they love you. I stopped crying and felt a lot better. The depression continued and I got meds for it and dealt the best way I could. But I will NEVER forget my reaction once she showed me that LOVE. So Michele is right. I could see the fear in my other friends eyes when she called her friend to help me. I could tell she was at a loss for words and she had always helped me before. When she couldn't help, I paniced. LOVE works when everything else fails and I know from experience!
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~Wookie
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Depression
#89934 - 07/14/04 11:55 AM
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peaches
Reged: 09/28/03
Posts: 1183
Loc: Fort Wayne, Indiana
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I also have been diagnosed with depression, and I'm on Paxil. It's not for anything that I've done or anything like that. It's just everything about my life and all that just built up and then about a year ago I kind of lost it and went into depression. I think I'm back on track now, and I'm a lot stronger.
SO that's why my deep, dark secret isn't anything I've done. It's basically what I WISH would have happened. Bz's story kind of reminded me of it, I guess. But I jsut thoguht I'd add on with the depression thing. Anyone else on Paxil?
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It comes down to the art of living on [color/red]
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Thanks for the words of wisdom. It helps to know that others understand what I am going through...It is very stressful for me to see what my niece is going through and I try to be there for her as much as I can. Sometimes, though, she doesn't want help from anybody and just wants to be suffer alone. That's the times it is tough on me and causes me a lot of stress. She does have a new case worker now that I think will really be helpful. And if she takes her meds like she is supposed to (very hard to do) I think things might get better. We are just taking it one day at at time and hope for the best.
Barbie
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Okay, so I've been reading all these posts the past few days and you are all so amazing and I, like the others have said, am honored to "know" you all. I kept thinking that I don't have a deep dark secret at 26 and that maybe I was boring, but then I had a dream last night. I think I've written about my brother before. He is 22 and diagnosed as severely mentally retarded. He doesn't talk and to me, its kind of normal just because I've grown up with him like that, so its just how it is. We love him more than life itself and my parents and grandmother are so amazing with the both of us. I guess though that I always wondered what it would be like if he was normal and in my dream last night, I had taken him somewhere and I was embarrassed by him and was so mad at myself and just kept crying and yelling at him even though its not his fault. I guess it sounds kinda silly because I've been in plenty of situations where people just look at you funny or make a comment and it never really bothered me because I would just make a comment back and be defensive. I know I'm rambling, but the dream just came out of nowhere and I always wanted to go to a sibling support group, but never had any luck finding one. Anyway, I never really discuss my brother with any of my friends, but I thought I would feel better writing about it and I do. Thanks for listening!!!
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Things happen for a reason...just believe
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That is the medication I was on when I was about your age, beofre that zoloft. I also took clonopin (generic for Zanax) for a little while. My doc took me off of it due to the addictive side effects. The paxil I took myself off of. I rather work through my problems without drugs now, and I seem to do allright. I do not look down on anyone that takes them, though, they can be helpful. or they can hurt, depending on the person.
But, with how messed up your mind gets when it is depressed it is hard to tell.
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-Sheri
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How old are you if you don't mind me asking? The depression hit me at age 23 and has lifted at 27. My dr. said it could return at any time or may never return again. It is a mystery. The first pill I tried was paxil. I took it at night and this is no lie, Peaches..I couldn't see my reflection in the mirror the next morning and had to call in to work for the day. It is a reaction some folks have and I just happened to be one of them. Zoloft worked best for me out of all the ones that I tried but just a few months ago I got way super depressed. Stopped the meds and I am doing really well. But when I needed the meds I took them faithfully. In fact, it took my mom talking me into just giving it a go one time. I am glad I took her advice! I then thought I had PMDD (super bad PMS) because I would feel like I was losing my mind every 2 weeks before my period. I started taking estroven at night and in a couple of months I was not showing near as many symptoms. Well I wish you the best and if you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to holla!
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~Wookie
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Having gone off anti-depressants myself a couple of months ago, I understand the desire not to go through life medicated. HOWEVER, depression runs in my family. The thing is that depression comes from real chemical imbalances, and medicine can correct that.
I'm doing fine right now without medication, but I have promised myself that if things get back to where they were I will go back on them. My take is that the damage to my body from being psychologically distresed is probably worse than the damage being on an anti-depressant was.
There's no shame in being on them!
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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Yes depression does mess with your mind! I hate it with a purple passion! They say a lot of folks are hit with depression in their early 20s and I think it is because that is when you get out and find out what the world is really about. It kicks your teeth in at times! Then you start dealing with childhood and for me is was sort of like flashbacks. It took me four years to put pieces together from my past. I recommend taking meds if you need them FOR SURE! ZOLFT SAVED MY LIFE AT ONE POINT. But when you don't need them, they may make you feel more depressed. It is all about knowing your body I suppose. I am still learning about the illness daily. I truley want to be a survivor and not the victim anymore! My mom, grandma and great grandma had depression. My mom told me for years, you have to fight it Davina. Gosh it is a hard battle to fight let me tell you. Some days I would rather someone just beat me up physically then to have the emotional breakdowns. Ick!
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~Wookie
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Re: Peaches
#89956 - 07/14/04 12:33 PM
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peaches
Reged: 09/28/03
Posts: 1183
Loc: Fort Wayne, Indiana
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I'm 16, and I've been on it actually since I was about 14 and a half....I think. It was around then. I've never had any weird symptoms with Paxil, although when I first went on it my friends told me that my usually cheery personality faded away fro abotu two weeks, then it returned. I was offeredZoloft, but my mom's friend gained an enormous amount of weight while she was on it, and I didn't want that to happen! So the doctor assured me that Paxil would be just fine and that when my life got into a better place, I could take myself off it. That reflection thing is scary, though - I woulda been freaked out! My mom has the PMDD thing and is on Estroven, but I'm not sure if or how that works for her.
Holla back!
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It comes down to the art of living on [color/red]
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I agree 100% with that. And like you, I am keeping an open mind. I know when I need them. It is all about learning about your body and emotions and filling them out every day. It is work!! I just hope that I can help anyone through anything I can so that when I need help, someone will be there for me!
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~Wookie
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Yeah when I looked in the mirror, I just saw a big blur. It was no fun! It was like I had a jar of vasoline in my eye! LOL! I am glad paxil is working for you. Just stick with it and always be aware of how you feel and how you are doing. A friend told me once, you will find your wellness. And you will just know. I finally did and learned that she DID know what she was talking about afterall. I never could understand until I got there. Things take time and we all get smarter everyday. You hang in there! Hehe! My mom always says she is a hanger!
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~Wookie
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Re: Peaches
#89982 - 07/14/04 01:21 PM
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peaches
Reged: 09/28/03
Posts: 1183
Loc: Fort Wayne, Indiana
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Yes, I am getting better now, and I plan to quit within the next year or so if everything keeps going as well as it is now. Thanks for your care and concern
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It comes down to the art of living on [color/red]
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~Wookie
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Oh stop! If those pitbulls show up at my door I'm gonna sick my golden retriever after them  Yeah right....my golden wouldn't even bite a robber
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~~~Lisa~~~
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Wow, you guys! You're all so brave and I commend you all.
I just wanted to say that you're all so great that nothing can change my mind. Plus, I'm very open-minded and don't care if someone's gay, have Bev's condition, used to be addicted to drugs, had an affair, etc. That's life!
Hugs to you all.
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But I agree with Sara-Sage, reading some of these just makes me respect and love you all that much more. It's incredible to see what some of you have been through and been able to overcome. I'm just speechless at some of these stories but just can't say enough how great it is that you can share these and it is an inspiration. I might have shared my secret if I'd seen this back when it was going on.
But again, just want to say how incredible you all are and I feel even more love and respect for everyone.
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hey I missed this also! what a thread...ladies...to all of you that confessed...I am so inpsired by you. I am always so astounded by the fact that you never know who somebody really is....you should all be so proud of yourselves. so strong. I don't really have a secret to tell....I have had a very fortunate life...a loving family, three beautiful brothers, a few broken hearts but nothing shocking, and now a wonderful husband. I truly am lucky. I love and respect you all.....
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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so I saw someone reading this post and wanted to share. Hmm..I guess that It's easy for me not to have friends,and consider my social time when I'm at work,or seeing my boyfriend outside of work,just the two of us,twice a week. So I never have to meet people places or anything. I feel bad during the day,and don't see anyone,except people I live with,until 5-11pm 5 days a week,then see people at work and talk to them. I have a real problem not following the diet,or just following it a few days..I get alot of tight spots,especially under my ribs..when I push on themn I hear crazy noises. One day at work at ate stuff I shouldn't,luckily no one saw me but I got dizzy,felt sick,and thought I was going to faint!! No one knows except my family and my boyfriend about my ibs. I really feel better keeping it that way. If I was at work no one would ask why I wasn't eating anything as my shifts are short and I could just say tired of the food,cuz I work at mcdonalds!
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I remember the day this post happened. I was a soon to be outed lurker...
This my favorite post, and although Laura Sue, Bev and JenX aren't around the living room any more, I take strength from these strong women and I think about this post in my quiet times. What incredibly strong women.
And Michele, who has been a rock to me when I reach out to her privately in my dark times... and she is a person who truly "gets it." Having lived through dark times makes her a layered, complex, wonderful human being with soul and depth.
I know a few IBS sisters (and brothers!!) like that who lurk and post. You guys are awesome people, and it makes me feel a little better about having IBS because it ties me to you all in a way.
I'm so glad to have you to calm my fears, wipe my tears, and drink my beers (I just added that last one to see if you were paying attention)!
~from nelly with love~
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