Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Another miscarriage for me

We adopted domestically. My husband is black and I am a mutt (Korean, German and Irish) so we specifically asked for a bi-racial child. We adopted my daughter when she was 2 weeks old and four years later adopted my son who was 3.5 years old. The kids are less than 7 months apart!

Adoption can be a tough go but wow is it ever wonderful. The following is a speech I made at our adoption agencies fundraiser a few years ago.

Charles and I have adopted two wonderful children. Ashley was two weeks old when we adopted her in 1993 and Christian was a lively 3 � year old when we adopted him in 1997. My children have two very different stories and today I would like to share Ashley's with you.

Charles and I found out that conception was unlikely in October of 1988. It was heartbreaking to say the least but life must go on.

One day at work, I saw a young single mother and it was pretty clear that she was pregnant. I congratulated her and her response was "I think that I will place it for adoption". I nearly jumped out of my skin! I prayed all the way home that Charles would consider this...I felt pretty certain that Jennifer would designate us as the child's adoptive parents. I went home and approached Charles and he said no...he wasn't ready. It wasn't the answer that I was looking for but I had to trust that God would do things in his own time. This was May of 1992.

In July of the same year, Charles told me that he was ready to consider adoption. I wasted no time making phone calls and chose DePelchin Children's Center. It started out with an introductory meeting, then there was a series of classes, an assessment, approval, and then we waited.

The first birthmom to "choose" us was named Megan. We were told to get the baby's room ready etc. Megan had the baby and decided to parent the little girl. Then Julie...had the baby and chose to parent. And yet another....

Late July of 1993, we received a call that we had been chosen yet again! Crystal had chosen us if she were to have a boy and she had yet to choose adoptive parents for a girl.

Two days after Ashley was born, we got a call and were told that Crystal had had a girl. I was crestfallen and started to end the conversation and the social worker said "STOP!...she wants to know if you and Charles will adopt her." I called Charles and the decision was made. We were going to be parents....we WERE parents! What an answer to prayer!

It was a long week and a half before the adoption could take place due to the birthmoms schedule and then the social worker got sick. Neither Charles nor I could sleep the night before nor were we able to eat or drink anything that morning. It was daunting...we left the house a married couple with no kids (and my tummy was flat!) and knew that we were coming home with a baby.

We met with our social worker early in the morning and headed over to the adoption agency. The deal was that we were scheduled to get there first, then the foster mom who took Ashley home from the hospital, then the birthmom and her family. It was so neat...we were sitting talking with the various people at the agency and heard a little baby cry and knew that it was our baby.

The foster mom came in and we learned that Ashley had lost her umbilical cord the night before and the formula she was on...etc. Then everyone decided they needed to go to the bathroom! All but me and one social worker. I told Charles that he'd better hurry up because I DID NOT want to be alone when Ashley's birthmom came in the room!

Well...everyone went to the restroom and in came Crystal! I hugged her, started crying and thrust at her a little bunny that I had made for her. I think I probably knocked the wind out of her I was so nervous! Everyone then came into the room and we talked for a little while. She had questions as to if we were going to change her name and could she write Ashley. Crystal had gifts for Ashley, letters too; all were happily accepted. We found that we had both crocheted a blanket for Ashley using the same stitch. It was a strange occurrence but brought us both a lot of comfort.

It was then time to meet "Miss Ashley". Crystal led the way and I was right behind her ready to hold my baby girl. Crystal picked her up...a little breath of heaven in a tiny pink dress, loved on her and then asked me if I wanted to hold Ashley! It was a good thing that Charles was behind me because I couldn't stand up by myself! Crystal handed my daughter to me and all I really remember is kissing Ashley and telling her that I loved her. At some point I am sure that I let Charles hold her but I do not remember.

The ceremony came next. It was held in the chapel and it was like a wedding. We prayed over the birth families, Charles and I, Ashley and her future. We took pictures and after a tearful goodbye, we took our daughter home.

Ashley was the most perfect baby�always full of joy, laughter and mischief; loving and gentle yet very much her own person. When we put her to bed, she would never cry; Ashley would just lay there until the sandman lulled her to sleep.

For many years we lived life day by day�watching Ashley grow and then adopting our son Christian in 1997. With both children knowing that they were adopted and that Charles was adopted too�it seemed that adoption would be the norm in our family and we would have few issues.

Shortly before Ashley's 9th birthday, she started asking questions about her birth mother and adoption. It became clear to Charles and I that Ashley was looking for herself and trying to figure out where she fit in this world. There isn't a parent in this world who loves their child any more than Charles and I love our children. Ashley is totally secure in knowing that Charles and I love her more than rainbows (family "thing"), that our extended families don't differentiate between who is and isn't adopted.

Being a pre-teen girl...the only girl in her class with curly hair�multi-racial�and adopted�all of these things swirling about her mind at one time was pretty overwhelming to Ashley. She was and is looking for a sense of belonging and though she knows how very much she belongs in the Kibble family there is a void that Charles and I can't fill. Crystal had not sent any letters in four years so I had little information to share with Ashley so Ashley and I both wrote letters to Crystal and sent them to Zena Lyth, our post-adoption worker at DePelchin. Zena sent the letters to Crystal and four months went by without a reply from Crystal.

Ashley's angst grew during this time so in January of this year, we sent to Zena new letters and a gift that Ashley had bought for Crystal with her Christmas money.

Once I shared Ashley's growing frustration with Zena, she and I determined that it would be of great benefit for Ashley and Zena to meet as Zena is adopted and could probably answer questions that I couldn't. When Ashley heard that "Miss Zena" was adopted and was willing to sit and talk with her she was thrilled. Knowing another "girl" who is adopted is important to Ashley. I took Ashley to meet Zena and they connected right away. Ashley was so happy to have someone who could truly relate. We have since met several times and Zena has been able to encourage Crystal to write Ashley and we now have a letter from Crystal. The letter has brought forth many emotions in Ashley�joy, sadness, hurt and anger but has also brought a well needed a sense of reality to her. Ashley and I have such an appreciation for the work that Zena has done on our behalf. Zena hasn't just been sending and receiving letters between the parties but she has been talking with Ashley, enlightening me and interacting with Ashley's birthmom.

I have attended a "Search Support" group meeting at DePelchin. I went to listen to others in an effort to understand Ashley's feelings. I came away from the meeting being so thankful that Charles and I adopted Ashley in a time and at an agency where information and access for all sides of the triad are far more abundant than it has been in the past. Many of the participants in our group have been searching for some time and haven't a fraction of the information that we have. At this time, Ashley doesn't need to know where Crystal lives, works or which Wal-Mart she shops at�she needs to know that Crystal is thinking about her, loves her and that they might meet each other one day. I have no doubt that one day I will be watching as my daughter walks into the arms of her birthmother. That day�Ashley will be ready mentally and emotionally because of the love of her mom and dad and the guidance, insight and hard work of Zena.

This has been a challenging time for Ashley and consequently myself�it's hard to look at your child and see that she has a boo-boo that you can't kiss and make go away. I have no idea where the road we are traveling will lead us�whether the void Ashley feels right now will be filled to her satisfaction but know that without the services we are receiving right now, the road would be difficult to navigate.

I am so proud to be an adoptive mother. Two different women brought my children into this world yet I have the honor of being Ashley and Christian's mom and that blessing isn't lost on me at all. Ours is a family full of love, faith and hope�we are living happily ever after; thankful for the help of family, friends, the wonderful folks at DePelchin.

Because of your support, DePelchin is able to serve so many�being one who has been served in such a powerful way I thank you.

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